I'm going to put my hands straight up in the air and admit that I know nothing about cars. Phew! That's a relief. It's a real weight off my chest. Man, the *number* of cringe-worthy moments I've had around car people is insane. What I do know however, is how to live undetected in the car scene and that includes not making the following rookie errors.
Learn from my fails and follow me.
1) Saying a car marque's name wrong
There are two commonly accepted ways to say the name 'Porsche' - either 'Por-sche' or 'Pooorsche'. 'Pooor-shaaay' is definitely wrong. Get ready for merciless teasing for months if you commit this faux pas. If you're not sure how to pronounce a name, google it *before* you open your trap.
2) Ask to drive their car
You'd be surprised how frequently owners are actually up for putting their pride and joy into the control of a total unknown. When they do, do not ask them to remind you which pedal the brake is. But if you ask if you can drive it the answer will almost always be 'No'.
3) Say that an e-type is a Front Wheel Drive
There are some features of particular cars that are well known. For example, E-Types are famously RWD (just look at a picture of one, for crying out loud) and Porsches (99% of them anyway) have their engine in the back. Make sure before you make a fool of yourself to idiot check whatever you're about to say. Again, Google is your friend here. If you know you're about to be in the presence of a particular car, download the basics into your brain and then let the owner reel off all the quirks and brilliances of their favourite machine.
4) Getting 'Fast' and 'quick' mixed up
How "fast" something is is to do with its speed. Being "quick" is to do with time. So if a car has really impressive acceleration then it's "quick' but if it can get up to 220mph then it's "fast". Hopefully you're talking to someone who has a car that can do both.
5) Imply that the aggressive stance of a car improves its performance
So it looks fast standing still, but that doesn't mean it's actually going to shift metal. The "stance" of a car means that the car has been modified to fit fit larger wheels and tyres. It doesn't make the car perform better. It can make the car look more awesome though.
6) Insist that either Torque or Horsepower is more important that the other
Although this is quite a fun argument to have because it's harmless and never ending. You need to be aware of the basics though. To take a well known phrase as your starting point, "Horsepower is how fast you hit a wall, torque is how far you carry that wall with you". See hp as what a sprinter has wherever a bodybuilder has torque. After that you can get into looking at the graphs for this stuff but it become a little bit of a dark art.
7) Say "It's just a car"
And food is just fuel. Pfft. Please. Cars are more than just white goods. And even if it is just a work-horse vehicle that gets you to see your mates at weekends, that car is your gallant steed that gets you to where you need to be to see the people you love. Cars as objects hold a tremendous amount of symbolism and meaning for their owners and their admirers. Respect this fact and they will respect you.
8) "I'll just Rev the engine to get her warmed up"
You'll be lucky if your passenger doesn't get out of the car, march over to your side and chuck you out. Revving the engine before it's had a chance to warm up is bad for it. Cold revving will give the tight-fitting components an abrupt temperature change that they don't like. Leave the engine running for a minute or two instead and then rev away to your heart's content. This point extends to everything to do with proper driving of a car - making sure you put the parking-brake on even when parked on the flat, for example and not driving on the brake when going downhill is another.
9) "Are you into cars?"
This is a shout out for the girls. No one would ever ask a bloke this. There's a special circle of hell for men who ask women if they're "into" cars. It puts the person being questioned on the back foot, like they have to defend their interests that they probably can't explain. Men have no need to defend their interest in cars. The logic goes that they have a penis, *ergo* they must like cars. It's sloppy logic and you shouldn't subscribe to it.
10) Ask what their car is worth
Would you honestly ask someone how much their house was worth? Do what any self-respecting person would do and google it when no one is watching.
11) "When are you going to paint it?"
If it looks like it needs a paint job the chances are that it's been kept that way on purpose - especially if it's some awesome super-old pre-war car. And If it's a Toyota Corolla you probably wouldn't be asking such boring questions.
12) "You should try putting a porsche engine in that VW"
Yeah, alright, fine, they're both rear engined but swapping them out isn't going to happen. That "three bolts and the engine comes out and a Porsche Motor can bolt right in" is an urban myth. This point extends to any modification you suggest an owner make to their car. Unless you've actually done it yourself and are holding photographic evidence - just don't.
13) "How you can tell Porsches apart?"
Trust me, they just can. It always feels like some kind of magic trick or a moment from Rain Man when they correctly identify the year of a Porsche that's just whizzed passed. But they can read the body of a Porsche like a book. If you'd been obsessed with this stuff since you could open your eyes you'd be able to do it too.
14) Pretending to know what you're talking about
The whole car community can seem a little cliquey. Actually, it is, very much so but only if you're pretending to be one of them from the off-set. They can smell the sickly notes of ignorance wafting from your car-knowledge-less brain and will giving you a proper learning if you give them half a chance. Instead, approaching the group in a supine position and being up front with your dearth of knowledge puts you in a strong position. Car people love to share their passion and to pass on their wisdom.
Happy learning!
Florence Walker is not a car buff and spends most of her life googling things about cars.
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Comments (100)
Point 6: horsepower is the rate at which torque is delivered. The two can't be separated in an engine. Sorry to be a total wanker.
Torque is the length of the spanner, horsepower is the force at the end turning the spanner. (Something like that anyway...)
I never knew that. That's actually quite interesting. And no apologies needed!
"BMW V6" 😑
3) Most Porsches sold these days are Macans and Cayennes, with their largely diesel engines up front...
6) Well that discussion is so strange. HP = Torque x RPM ÷ 5252 is all you need to know.
8) Some cars are best warmed by hard revving in pulses - that's how it's done in F1
13) Well, the Cayenne is a large, ugly SUV and the 911 is a small beautiful sportscar, that's one trick . It's a little bit like telling Donald Trump apart from Ariana Grande, but I guess that could be a problem for some...
Also, number 12: Porsche is rear engine, but VW's are not. At least I've never seen a golf with the engine at the back or mid for that matter
F1 engines are warmed that way because track time is precious, and they can warm the important thing without wearing anything else. If they could warm the engine on the track without suffering some kind of competitive disadvantage, they...
Read moreWell, "Porschaay" is wrong, BUT the most heard term by english speakers "Porsch" is also very wrong. It's a german name, you have to speak the "e"! In english pronounciation the closest to correct saying of Porsche would probably be: Porscheh
One more to add: never say "it's a nice colour". It implies you care little for anything else about it, and whenever I hear someone say that about a car, I weep inwardly.