4 solid reasons to buy a brand new car

A few weeks ago, I wrote “How to answer car nonenthusiasts”, which was very liberating. They were comebacks I’d actually used from time to time, but there’s nothing quite like articulating something on paper and then editing it. So I spent the next few days feeling calm and confident and just waiting for some hapless soul to come out with “My Corolla is just a thing to get me from A-B” – so I could pounce with precision.

It didn’t actually happen, and now I’m bored. Which is why I’ve decided it’s time that all those people out there insisting that buying a brand new car is a universally foolish notion for everyone, need to be told that they’re a bit silly.

REASON 1: THE NEW CAR SMELL IS ONE OF LIFE'S PRECIOUS THINGS

As Ian Wright points out, it’s actually slightly toxic, but then, so are petrol fumes, and if the undoubtedly kale-influenced nutrition sites are anything to be believed, red meat is too.

The smell of unsullied carpet and new materials is beautiful. And some people try to create it artificially by buying utterly tragic New Car Smell air fresheners, which is a bit like spraying the corpse of your grandfather with his favourite aftershave in an attempt to make him smell like he was alive and put it on that morning.

Have it for real.

REASON 2: A BRAND NEW CAR IS MADE OF NEW, UNWORN BITS AND HAS A WARRANTY

Unless it’s a press car, hastily vacuumed and then put back in the dealership, you can be sure that the brand new car you’re buying has not been thrashed around, or had stupid things done to it. There’s no hidden damage. It’s a clean slate.

It also comes with a warranty that you can be sure hasn’t been voided.

I heard the argument the other day that it’s desirable to buy a car that’s been tried and tested. Look, you’re not Captain Cook buying the Endeavour here. You’re buying a product whose twin was brought to the Arctic for extreme conditions testing and crashed into a wall for you, so you can have some faith.

REASON 3: DEPRECIATION IS A PERVERSE NOTION

“A brand new car depreciates hugely the moment you drive it out the showroom” says every boring person ever, with no loss of profundity.

Fact is, the suede Adidas Campuses that you are currently tapping on the toilet cubicle floor depreciated the moment you put them on and walked down the street. So if you’d entered that purchase thinking only of depreciation, you would have missed out on some happiness in your life.

Depreciation is an accountant’s term. It’s not a car person’s term or a real human being’s term. Because since there’s two types of value, there’s two types of depreciation. If you bought a lime green BMW M3 2 years ago and you’ve grown to love it more, then even though it’s depreciated, it’s appreciated in the most important area. And a lot of people tell me I should keep my model Mercedes-Benz 500Ks in their boxes, because they’ll be worth more that way. But not to me. They’re worth far more on a display cabinet where I can see them than all wrapped up in a box in the closet I will never get round to selling and my children will toss in the skip.

Point is, depreciation talk definitely has its place. But unless you’re buying your car as a bit of an investment, or as a business fleet vehicle that you want to get the best return on, don’t let it be the most important thing.

REASON 4: YOU CAN BE SURE THERE IS NO HALF-SUCKED MENTOS BENEATH THE SEAT

I mean, there probably isn’t. The former owner probably commissioned more than just a surface wipe down.

But you simply don't know.

Whereas with a brand new car, all the dust and hairs in the seat tracks can be DNA-matched to you. And that, I think, is a powerful assurance worth paying more for.