A dinkus' guide to classifying car spots.
Become unlearned my compadres.
Some say you should never think too hard about something you enjoy. If you're anything like me you do anyway, which come to think of it is how I get into most of my situations. Right now, for example, I'm stuck to the ceiling with tomato paste while listening to a 10-hour loop of Auld Lang Syne. Thinking gets you in these places. (I'm still typing though, such are my skills. Truly the natives shall sing of such exploits until butter churns clockwise.)
Anyway (See how you get me off track? Stop it!), over the past few days I've found myself classifying spots on here, and have come upon a two-tiered system that I think works reasonably well for seeing exactly how good one's spot is. See what you think. (Or don't. You could do something useful, like paint bricks.) Perhaps you'll be able to make it better or correct a mistake in this system. On the other hand, you can also call the men in white and give them my address, but I would never be able to handle the padded room and would have to escape in a hail of gunfire which would mortally wound me and as I lay on the pavement breathing my last a reporter would shove a microphone in my face and ask "Why'd you do it?" and I'll answer "Someone on Drivetribe reported me to the men in white." You monster. You are truly the lowest scum in history.
Tier I - The spot ranks.
You're still here? Good! Now pay attention.
First I've devised four ranks of spots: the not-a-spot, the crud spot, the superb spot, and the glorious spot. Each, while somewhat up to the personal taste of the spotter (which may in itself be crud) is pretty easy to remember. Lo:
Not drawn by me.
The not-a-spot is the regular car, something you see so often you don't even think of it as a car anymore. Some good examples would be a Toyota Camry or a Honda Accord.
Not trashed by me.
A crud spot would be when you see a terrible car no one ever wants to look at, such as the Nissan Juke or the Pontiac Aztec.
Not driven by me (darn it).
The superb spot is where things "get good" so to speak. Anything you see on the road that makes you say anything from "Ooooo!" to "Great Scott, is that a (car name)?" is in this category.
This image was in no way sponsored, but I'm open to the possibility Subaru.
Finally the glorious spot. This is what every car-nut wishes to see. They are to petrolheads what El Dorado is to the treasure hunter or decent gas station food is to the weary traveler with irritable bowels. These are anything from the McLaren F1 to the Maybach Exelero.
Understand? Well just to make sure here's a poll to see how many of you actually do. (You could scroll past it if you wish, but if you do the ghosts of AVE's employees will jump out of your computer and pelt you with cabbages. You have been warned.)
Right! Now that we have the ranks, on to the second of the two tiers:
Tier II - the aesthetic classification.
Now that you have determined that your spot is either Superb or Glorious, how does it hit you? How doth the fizz roil in thine below-the-navel-above-the-crotch-behind-the-spleen region? The answer, I believe, can be found in what kind of aesthetic appeal the car holds: spicy, saucy, sharp, or sweet.
Spice spice baby.
Spicy cars are, in my experience, usually Italian. They hit you in a way nearly comparable to seeing a lovely member of the opposite gender (if you think that's weird go listen to some Ferrari noises one youtube and you'll see what I mean) and you walk away feeling as though you've seen a work of art pass by.
Made in San Antonio, by people who know what real picante sauce is. This wasn't sponsored either but I'm open to it Pace.
The saucy car is much like the spicy car, though saucy cars are much more understated and are considered more beautiful for it. These cars tend to make you think: "I've gotta get me one of those." Astons and Alfa Romeos would be good examples of saucy cars.
Sharp enough to cut those wristbands you get at amusement parks.
Sharp cars are the kind of car you step away from for fear of the mafia boss undoubtedly in it. These cars look angry and, well, sharp. Good examples would be almost any Audi, many of the better Maseratis, and the current-gen Mustang.
Not my picture, but it is pretty sweet.
Sweet cars are little things that make your day better with their very visage. Their appearance is enough to make you smile and lift the spirits of one even after they've just gotten out of the average truck stop restroom. Minis, Fiat 500s, and Mazda Miatas are good examples of these.
So what do you think? Am I off my rocker?* Would you like to see cars ranked via this system? Let me know with as few swear words as possible.
*Don't answer that. I didn't have a rocker in the first place.