A NEW Idea for the Grand Tour!

From the person who brought you slow vs pro and the Clarkson Excellent Review & Brochure

Okay, so I shared my Slow vs Pro idea for the Grand Tour here:- drivetribe.com/p/Z4KJA3_QSzGRG6YOfXA7TA?iid=cd-PTjvHT_SrIQGTSleebw I've had another great idea for the Grand Tour.

Now we all love the American. Well... Erm, no we don't actually. We DO all love the Grand Tour, but there are certain aspects that are starting to wear a little thin. For example, the Celebrity Brain Mash gags? Really, next time you may as well have Richard cut James off and say, 'No, before you ask - he's not coming on.'.

Another element which for me has never quite captured the magic of the good old days is the American. Having an aging, overweight Nascar driver tearing around the Ebola Drome complaining about every car he drives as being communist, except for the Mustang just isn't funny anymore. Yes, it gives Clarkson licence to come with an alternative to the 'Some Say' gags, but I'm not entirely sure 'He thinks everything is communist' really counts as a gag.

What I did enjoy was the introduction of 'The Ben Collins' in the Clarkson, May and Hammond show live.

The Ben Collins

The Ben Collins

The premise was simple. Amateur motoring show presenters Clarkson May and Hammond needed an unbiased racing driver, so they searched around the paddock at the empty race track. Eventually, after nearly giving up and asking some window cleaners to drive the cars they stumbled upon a disheveled looking man in a grubby fireproof suit, with holes in his racing boots and a battered open faced helmet. When James May asked which television show the man was on, Richard mockingly said, 'Anyone could say they worked on television, I COULD say I used to work in television.'

Sleeping rough on the paddock.

Sleeping rough on the paddock.

Now the American definitely can drive. I wouldn't advocate just sacking the guy. It's not actually his fault; the whole communism gag is written for him, probably by Clarkson, possibly down to his lines. I would suggest a better solution. Picture the scene, the American is there to drive a car around the test track for a timed lap. Clarkson May and Hammond are there, but just before the lap starts, a disheveled looking racing driver scrambles out of the bushes and stands in front of the car. Queue conversation which leads to, 'It's that Ben Collins bloke that we met making our live show! I think he wants to do the lap.

'The Ben Collins'

'The Ben Collins'

At the this point the American launches into a loud, American style shouty rant. However the Ben Collins adopts a silent, Stig-like persona and just stands there. Now Clarkson intervenes. 'Look... There's only one way to settle this. A winner takes all, fastest lap show down.' Richard and James argue while the Ben Collins remains silent and the American chunters and shouts about whooping his ass and similar. Eventually the trio agree on a best of 5, fastest lap challenge, with the winner remaining the Grand Tour's regular test driver. 2 drivers, 5 laps each in 5 different cars.

The humble go kart.

The humble go kart.

First up, the purist form of motorsport. Four tiny wheels and a little whizz-pop four stroke engine. Two identical karts on track, two very different drivers. Lets make it interesting, let's make it a three lap race. First across the line wins.

The Classic Mini

The Classic Mini

Next up, how about a car renowned for it's handling? The Classic Mini. One car, one timed lap each. Fastest lap wins.

The Mustang

The Mustang

Third up, let's see how the American goes in something he doesn't think is communist. Let's have one car, two timed laps, in a Shelby Mustang. Fastest lap wins.

Nissan GTR Nismo

Nissan GTR Nismo

Okay, we've done karts, we've done British, we've done American. Let's send them around in a Japanese car! How about the Nissan GTR Nismo? 1 car, two timed laps, fastest lap wins.

The ultimate challenge, the Reliant Robin.

The ultimate challenge, the Reliant Robin.

Now it's time for the grand finale, the ultimate challenge. Which of the two drivers can successfully put in a fast lap in the dreaded, Robin Reliant? One Reliant Robin, two timed laps. Fastest man gets the job. If the American wins, then it's lots of whooping and hollering and American-style celebrations while the Ben Collins ambles back into the woods dejected. The Ben Collins wins, and it's an American ranting and shouting about how he'd had to drive all these stupid communist cars and he's going back to Nascar.

So! Who do you think would win? I think as an all-rounder the Ben Collins has the edge, but the Ex-Nascar man DOES have more experience of turning left. I think it'd be close to call. I wouldn't like to say who'd win. However I think it'd be an interesting contest and a great episode to watch!

Have you seen my road test report of the 'Clarkson Excellent'? It now has nearly 50,000 views! drivetribe.com/p/SVnDSzZNRgmBFjxyonMutw?iid=XqKVijU3StmbvzzQ2sR3nA

For an alternative view, see my glossy promotional brochure for the 'Excellent' here:- drivetribe.com/p/Jf_FW_P6Q-2Yxivcr-AmTQ?iid=L7D0gCKHTnCVpmww1MItdA

Martyn Stanley

[ICT] Irreverant Car Talk

Https://drivetribe.com/t/T7MA7Qb-Rdi6gJL1fUzFpw?iid=e8FFJjV2SrSu4zwj1Aw96g

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Comments (10)

  • maybe another idea is for the motorcycle enthusiast. it is a motoring show so it only suits well if they can take a motorcycle racing driver and take all sorts of other bikes around the track. or something like that. or review a bike because of how much James and Richard love bikes.

      4 years ago
    • Actually that would be pretty cool! I wouldn't fancy trying to take a bike around the Ebola Drome fast, in the wet though. There's no run off in places and it's a tight track. Might suite a Veteran TT rider who doesn't fear death... Though they...

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        4 years ago
    • How about making Clarkson do his Bike test and do some bike reviews? That would be hilarious!

        4 years ago
  • Yes, if the American wins then at least everyone can stop complaining. And if he doesn't, they won't have anything to complain about.

      4 years ago
  • They should feature say a regular episode of the grand tour except hammond,may and clarkson create their own idiotic but spectacularly humorous ads, to go in between the show like a normal tv show but with a twist.

      2 years ago
  • I'm actually glad this didn't happen. I like the new driver. She isn't irritating at all and is pretty fast. I also love that GT has stuck one on Top Gear by being the first in with a female driver!

      3 years ago
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