THIS IS ONE OF THE NEW POKEMON CHARACTERS THAT YOU HAVE TO TRY TO CATCH. ITS NAME IS TRAFFICSNARL. IMAGE COURTESY OF NOWCAR.COM.
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, USA: The company behind the wildly-popular smart phone application, "Pokemon GO" will be announcing tomorrow that they are doing a surprise release of a new version of this astounding hit game, one meant to capture the attention of owners and operators of supercars, hypercars, superbikes, and personal, high-speed, single-engine sport aircraft.
No longer will this particular demographic be left out, as the existing Pokemon app tends to favor only pedestrians, bicyclists, continental drift, three-toed sloths, deep-sea snails, creeping glaciers, and even-slower-moving British caravan drivers. With the current version of this game, you typically have to be traveling really slow in order to capture Pokemon characters.
If you are attempting to play this game while driving your car, it is almost easier just to get out of your vehicle and walk around where your target is supposed to be located.
With the new version of this game, which will be called "Pokemon GO DANGEROUSLY FAST", having to slowly mull around in an attempt to acquire your target will be an issue no longer, according to the embargoed press release that was accidentally left behind at a San Francisco McDonald's restaurant, and is the source document that is being used as the basis of this article.
Knowing that owners of supercars, hypercars, superbikes, and personal aircraft are typically rich individuals who do not possess much of an imagination or personality, but apparently do possess lots of disposable income, the company behind Pokemon GO decided to jump in, head-first, into this particular demographic by creating a virtual environment in which outright speed would be the first requirement, as you have to be traveling at least 170 miles per hour in order to activate these specific Pokemon targets for acquisition.
In addition, since most supercar, hypercar, and superbike owners are self-absorbed attention seekers, they tend to crowd in and among high-density, urban settings, often preferring to crawling along at 15mph (instead of 215) so they can be even more ignored by trendy pedestrians who, for whatever politically-motivated reason, don't really like cars anyway, the creators of this new Pokemon GO DLC pack wanted to give the owners of these vehicles an excuse to experience some high-speed running through packed urban district streets, just like they do in Grand Theft Auto 5, but this time...it's for real.
Remember, with this new DLC pack, you cannot capture a Pokemon unless you are traveling at least 170 miles per hour.
The owners of personal, high-speed aircraft are also being courted for this new Pokemon DLC, as this product is being marketed to them as well. The idea is that the owners of these small, fast, single-engine planes can also fly at speeds of 170+ mph through dense urban streets, but can skip along at a maximum altitude of twenty feet, capture a Shiny Blastoise, or an all-new character such as Trafficsnarl (The yellow Pokemon at the top of this article), one of thirty such new characters that are being created specifically for this DLC....and in doing so, they'll hopefully not clip any power lines, banners, sky bridges, or buildings themselves when they rocket through a Pokemon character acquisition zone.
And they also never have to stop for traffic lights. Or crosswalks. Or jaywalkers. Or police standoffs. Or downtown parades...unless they are flying helium-filled character balloons that are suspended by ropes, ,which in this case, could become World War II-era barrage balloons that could ensnare propellers and wings.
The cost for acquiring this new and exciting Pokemon GO DANGEROUSLY FAST will be $35,000 American, and also comes with FAA clearance to fly your personal, single-engine aircraft at speeds of over 170mph, through high-density metropolis streets, but only if you maintain a maximum allowable twenty-foot elevation increase above those same city streets.
In addition, the Pokemon characters that will show up on this map are only accessible to those who purchase this DLC pack, so there is no overlap between pedestrian and high-speed targets, as the company who makes this app does not want to create an unfortunate situation where a speeding hypercar goes through a densely packed city park where hundreds of retired pensioners might be milling about in a large, packed group, trying to capture Partitioned Electrode, Matte Magikarp, Passive-Agressive Weepinbell, or Glistening Mr. Mime, with all players completely oblivious to everything that's going on around them.
A fair number of these Pokemon GO DANGEROUSLY FAST acquisition zones will reportedly be clustered in and around crosswalks, school zones, and loading areas, just to make character capture that much more exciting.
This new DLC will reportedly be released next week, so keep an eye out for additional news of this expansion pack.
UPDATE: Additional perusal of the stolen, I mean, accidentally-misplaced internal documents revealed that this same Pokemon GO company is also working on a DLC pack that can be played exclusively in Military munitions testing zones, along with artillery and aircraft bombing ranges. This expansion pack will be called, "Pokemon GO BIG BANG."
More information will be posted here when it becomes available.
(This is a work of satire. It really really is. None of this actually happened, nor will it ever happen. It is not to be construed or confused with any people, businesses, or organizations, whether they be real, or imagined. Any similarities with real people, places, completely dangerous Pokemon GO apps are pure coincidence and nothing else. No unnamed officials were contacted, no internal documents were stolen or found at an unnamed San Francisco McDonald's restaurant, nor were those fictional non-documents consulted as a source for this clearly-non-story. Nor were any unnamed officials contacted, either. No individuals, corporations, fully-loaded international shipping containers, baseball cards, beloved Argentine prisons, 270mph Reliant Robins, or military artillery ranges were impersonated. No Muppet weapons, loading zones, city parks, or terrified bicycle pedals were harmed during the writing of this completely fictional, completely satirical story.)