A warning for anyone who plans to travel by coach. Don't do it.

A few days ago I went on holiday to The Mosel Valley, Germany. I was going to perform at two locations, a high class hotel in Bad Betrich, and a bandstand in Boppard. However we had a tight schedule. This meant leaving at around midnight, and not by car or plane as you would expect, oh no, by coach. Let me tell you why I now loathe coach travel. To start off, by coach, it was a twenty hour journey, one in which we had four rest stops (not counting the ferry). This meant that I was wedged into my window seat, in a hot, sweaty bus for five hours at a time, watching Disney Pixar's Cars 2 for the fifth time. And then there was the driver. At 3AM what I really want to be doing is attempting to sleep using one of those ineffective little travel pillows that go around your neck, that I bought for sixteen pounds and fifty-one pence at a service station W.H. Smiths. What I don't want is to hear about the driver's last holiday to Corfu, listen to his god-awful jokes, and his airline-style "Good evening ladies and gentlemen, we are about to pull into Toddington services, your exits are up here next to me, and by the toilet door". And that was another thing. He went through the flushing mechanism for the toilet once every few hours, as it was more complicated than some of the gizmos they have at NASA. Every time it was explained, it seemed to change slightly, and was always finished by what he believed to be his catchphrase: "And remember folks, no solids!". It was genuinely one of the most cringeworthy moments of my life. When we finally reached our hostel, we found that it was at the bottom of several hairpin bends, and seen as we were a 45 foot coach, this took skill. I must commend the driver on this, as he managed it in well under three hours. At one point I'm sure that he was close to phoning Sebastian Vettel, to see if he could manage it. In short, take a plane next time.

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