- This isn't my car. That's a Mercedes.

An car has happened.

And you were all so hopeful that'd I'd finally packed it in.

And so I've landed myself with far too much spare time and I tiny bit of rare determination once again. In between dog walks and fighting to not be hit by those cursed moments of lowness, I have figured it beneficial to lift the pencil and rediscover my picasso-level talent for art.

Sense the deadly sarcasm.

After Harley reminded me of the existence of my car brand which essentially is just a figment of my imagination, I was simultaneously reminded that said coporation had well entruly 'gone under', and I mean full 1912 style. I can't even remember what I had offered the world under Casio the stolen brand name in the past but pretty sure the demand was so high for a new one that it would have to happen.

And as we know if every you land yourself in a bit of bother financially, the key is to just make an SUV and all will be well. And so I did. And it's better than anything the other Drivetribers have ever produced on their horse sh** rendering sites and whatever it is Vincent used to make his. A calculator by the looks of it.

Here it is:

I call it....the Typhon:

It's a biiiiig car.

It's a biiiiig car.

Yes that's Tie-fun for pronunciation. This monster SUV is about as premium as SUVs get, because I don't work for poor people. The dodgy looking tires will not reach production you'll be happy to hear, but in fairness none of it will realistically so I wouldn't lose sleep over them. Remember the BMW X5, well this is that but a thousand times better. Because it has a cooler name, cooler lights (you can't see the front so just agree), cooler powertrains and cooler noise...probably. What's not cool is the pricetag but I refer you to my previous statement on that for understanding.

An overview (because you really care):

Unlike the others who seem to think a 2.0 4cyl can produce 3000000hp, I have remained grounded and modest while configuring my stats. So the Typhon would do 300mph. No it'll do 163 at best. Because speed is for losers and you can most definetely quote me on that. The Typhon costs €49,000 from base specs (Porper's trim), but go bigger and you'll get a proper rival for the likes of the Range Rover, the Durango Ugly, Grand Cherokee, X5 as mentioned and so on. This car is far more comfortable, has an interior that offers sensational beauty and modern functionality, and will get you pretty much anywhere at anytime. Equipped with AWD as standard, ground clearance of up to 11 inches and Casio's own terrain control system, this car is fully prepared and capable for general off roading, and simultaneously sacrifices absolutely no on-road driving feel. With the XS/Excess trim you'll be kitted out with a twin-turbo V8 (2.7L) that has been fine tuned to not affect the near-silent ride experience inside the open cabin. 0-60 takes 7.2 seconds because remember Casio drivers aren't yobbos. We are civil. As all things should be. And even so the car weighs nearly a tonne so it checks out. Safety is predictably exceptional with it's 5 star NCAP rating, and did I mention its amazing to look at?

Drawbacks? Expensive to buy, even more expensive to run, and contributes heavily to making you look like a snob. But hey, jealousy is only natural. PS: runs on our newly developed cognizant fuel, fully synthetic of course. EV version on offer later this year (batteries sourced from anywhere but Argentina and Australia).

So buy the damn car you twat.

What do you think?

Ultimately it doesn't matter what you think because this car will never exist and you have seen a side profile. But did you like the side profile at least?

Share your thoughts, on the Casio Typhon!

Join In

Comments (110)