Are wagons still cooler than anything else around?
Am I saying wagons are cool? Why yes, yes I am...
Some people don't like wagons. Some people also drink their own pus, eat other people's toenails, and have weekend flings with their siblings. So yeah, you might have found out by now that I like wagons. And even if you don't, I won't grab my pitchfork, because I never really liked them either.
However, it has dawned on me that, at least here in the great U.S of A, wagons are of a dying breed. They are like Snow Tigers, they growl fiercely, look great, and are the perfect size. And, rather worryingly, like Snow Tigers, they will soon become extinct.
This is sad, because most of us car people can all agree that wagons, even if it is a crummy Holden, are very cool. And amazing. And better than any oversized and wicked SUV on the market. However, let's not get bogged down on what is killing what, because we will get to that later.
Another history lesson. Sorry.
Credit - Barrett-Jackson
Wagons were never meant to be cool. Back in the day, there were used by your parents to get you across the country, get the Christmas Tree, and pick you up from school. They were big, boat-like boxes taking up the roads and driveways of families everywhere. Of course, what I'm referring to here, are the totally tacky yet totally amazing American Station Wagons.
Thankfully, when we look at today's wagon offerings, we see that they don't really have the road presence of one of the USSR's Nuclear Bombs. This is good, because they are still practical enough to carry plenty of Christmas Trees and even a pony. Perfect as your stereotypical gift getter for the Holidays.
But wagons aren't really family cars anymore. Sure, they still have five seats, but once the Europeans got involved, they became much more than your family truckster.
And then the Europeans showed up...
Credit - Hagerty
As predicted, the idea of the wagon didn't stay the same for too long. Wagons in America served their purpose, but it was time for the European Estates to take over the market by storm. And boy did they.
Volvo, BMW, and Mercedes hopped onto the bandwagon pretty quickly, producing sexy and dependable wagons that were just too good to hate. But it wasn't until the late 1980's when these estates started to get their panties in a twist and started to become something we like to call... odd.
Bad image quality I know. Thank 1986 for that...
Volvo rocked the wagon world when they introduced the fast, the menacing, the magnificent wagon we know as "The Brick!" As the advert above states, and as Volvo stated at the time, it is the Ferrari of wagons! I mean, it's red and has square headlights so... I can't even tell the difference.
The Volvo (Ferrari) 740 Turbo was the coolest dad-wagon around thanks to its near 200 horsepower and dribble-inducing 125MPH! Imagine the amount of speeding tickets people must have gotten in this thing! It's a turbocharged stairlift! What's not to love?
And although Volvo started this leaving-your-pants-soiled sorcery, it didn't stop with the Swedes. Oh no, because what soon came from Mercedes, BMW, and Audi, literally revolutionized the car world whether you like it or not.
Credit - MotorAuthority
Mercedes-AMG came out with one AMG "Hammer" wagon, which was way more powerful than the Volvo and Ferrari combined! 6.0 liters of "Get out of my way" screaming down the autobahn with your average family man behind the wheel. What's not to love?
Then, as if the Hammer wasn't enough, Audi released the RS2 wagon, which is, in wagon terms, a heart-shaped box. Not only was it fast on the road, but it was also very quick on any other surface, from ice, snow, mud, and even, for the more adventurous of drivers, the craters of the moon. But wait, there's more!
Mercedes and Audi were doing pretty well with their newfound mid-life crisis mobiles, so it was time for BMW to get into the mix. The M-line of cars was always exciting, but once you could get an E34 M5 Touring estate, that excitement got a lot more... you know what I mean.
Not your average grocery getter anymore. Credit - Bring a Trailer
So here we are. What started as the American Dream soon became a European takeover, where you weren't embarrassed to say that yes, you'd just bought yourself an estate. Their purpose was not just for practicality anymore, but for practicality and fun, and looks so sinister they would make the devil cry. Good thing we can pack plenty of tissues, probably at least 105 boxes worth.
Regardless of the tears of some red man, wagons were in for a crazy ride as they progressed throughout history. Which leads us to today's breed of wagons, the ones you need to start focusing on.
Into the modern day, where things are... not so bad, actually.
Credit - Audi
I am really sorry for that long history lesson on cars meant for cool dads and history teachers, but there is a point to all this madness. So stick around a bit longer, we are almost done.
Today's breed of wagons is actually pretty decent. Audi has just come out with the new RS6 Avant, which you can now get in the original Nogaro Blue from the amazing RS2. Plus, there are cheap and practical options from companies like VW and Hyundai, for those of us that want to experience the wagon craze, even though we can barely afford to buy ourselves a pizza. And finally, there are comfortable choices from Volvo, Jaguar, and Mercedes. Oh, and the fast ones as well.
Credit - Alpina
It is these things listed above; comfort, practicality, luxuriousness, speed, and good looks that is what makes wagons cool. They aren't really cool in that they wear mustaches and have long, frizzy hair, but are cool in their own, wagon sort of way. They are better than your typical saloon, and they are better than your typical SUV. They are a perfect middle ground for anyone with a brain that doesn't drink their own pus.
And yes, a Golf Sportwagon isn't really the coolest car out there, but once you get something exciting and raw wrapped up in a businessman's suit, capable of making you choke on air, that, is as cool as it can get. And no SUV could ever take that away.
Although many "Rational Consumers" believe that wagons are ugly, pointless, and terrible at absolutely everything, let's just remember that those people drive SUVs. And the best part is, I don't even hate SUVs, but if they kill my beloved wagon, there will be hell to pay. So why don't we all chip in a bit, and let's save what are now, the coolest cars in the world.