Anyone who knows NASCAR knows who Mike Helton is. He’s been part of the NASCAR scene for 40 years in one capacity or another. He’s also well known for his Virginia drawl, blunt style and his mustache. There are lots of fans who would like to ask Mike Helton questions, but since he’s not available, they asked his mustache instead:
Dear Mike Helton’s Mustache: I’ve been reading that the new Gen 7 car may not be ready for its big debut in 2021. Is this true? Curious in Kentucky
Dear Curious in Kentucky: Look punk, I don't need no wet-behind-the-ears dirt farmer from Kentucky who probably lives in a run down shack questioning what we all are doin down here in Daytona, so zip it.
Dear Mike Helton’s Mustache: Ryan Newman’s recent horrific crash just highlighted that plate racing is inherently stupid and dangerous. NASCAR has been promising to ‘fix’ it for years. What gives? Fed Up in Florida
Dear Fed Up in Florida: You damn swamp rats got nothing better to do than criticize NASCAR? Why I ought to punch you right in the nose but that would mean you’d have to pull your head outta your butt for a minute. You don't got the brains God gave a fence post. Go brush your three teeth and be quiet boy.
Dear Mike Helton’s Mustache: So called ‘aero push' has been a problem for nearly 30 years. NASCAR has tried everything but doing what makes sense, like no splitters, small spoilers and raising the cars off the ground. Why are you guys so inept? Cincinnati Cynic
Dear Cincinnati Cynic: Oh, do we have an aerodynamic engineer writin us here? I figure you're about as confused as a fart in a fan factory. Tell me son, what would be the drag coefficient of my fist flying through the air when it meets your fat head? Maybe you can calculate that for me while you’re in the emergency room.
Dear Mike Helton’s Mustache: Stage racing is obviously designed for TV breaks and has ruined the purity of the racing. Is there nothing NASCAR won't do to prostitute itself to the almighty TV dollar? Disgusted in Detroit
Dear Disgusted in Detroit: Well, well, looks to me like we’ve got a real smartass in the comments this week. Well, I’ll tell you boy, when you hand over about $8 billion dollars to us, we just might give your opinions some consideration. But until then shut your pie hole, because there's likely a tree stump in a Louisiana swamp with a higher IQ than you.