Beginners Guide to Buying Cars From Facebook Marketplace/Gumtree Motors (Part 2)

26w ago


Continuing where I left off earlier…..

We’ve all been there, there’s no point in denying the rumours. Down on our luck and wallowing in a seething maelstrom of self-pity with no conceivable escape route. Especially not since we’re currently minus a car. What’s more (or less), is the budget we have to acquire an exit strategy which benefits from a combustion engine is meagre at best, non-existent at worst.

'something called Facebook Marketplace and Gumtree Motors. Neither of which are populated by a species yet discovered by man.'

So what options do we have available to us?

Well, let’s see. If you’re American you have something called Craig’s list, while if you’re Australian, you have a ute and fuck all else to fall back on. Mercifully I reside in the United Kingdom of Political Indecision as I write. Which means I have ready access to something called Facebook Marketplace and Gumtree Motors. Neither of which are populated by a species yet discovered by man.

And as ever, when operating in these sort of dangerous, predatory environments there are rules of engagement you should always obey if you’re to get out alive. I’ve listed a few of the most important rules regarding surviving Facebook Marketplace and Gumtree Motors if you ever find yourself in the unfortunate position of being a fucking loser who has but a collection of marbles, a well-thumbed copy of Reader’s Wives (circa 1982) and some Panini Italia 90 stickers left to trade with, when sourcing your next car.

The rules are thus;

Rule 1

Automatically assume everyone you will potentially deal with, is a c**t. But not just any c**t. An uneducated c**t, whose vocabulary never really stretches beyond txt spk.

Rule 2

The sooner you understand that the mileage will be rounded up to the nearest century, the better. Use the same calculus to determine when the MOT may or may not be due, if it actually has any MOT whatsoever.

Rule 3

Cars will nearly always be photographed in the dark and from artistically-favourable perspectives. Very occasionally part of the car (unidentifiable) make and model will be in the shot. For example, a corner of a roof. However most of the garage forecourt will be visible to the viewer.

Rule 4

Be it photographed at day or night, the chances are the vehicle for sale will be blurred beyond all recognition, no matter how much you squint. This completely out of focus Ford would come with one of those ‘quality control’ stickers in the corner if it was dispensed from the photo processing counter at your local chemist.

Rule 5

1924 Mitsubishi 3000GTs are surprisingly more commonplace than you might have otherwise imagined. Don’t be shocked. Digest this information and simply move on. There’s rarely anything to see. Aside from a photo of a non-descript Mitsubishi Colt.

Rule 6

If the classified ad has a headline containing ANY of the following words, then turn a blind eye. ‘NEED GONE BY 6PM TONIGHT’ – ALWAYS IN CAPS, ALWAYS FUCKING FRIGHTENING. As if the car’s been stolen or the bailiffs are coming round later. Almost certainly the new owner will discover a stash of hookie goods concealed under the spare wheel. And/or a pile of fire-damaged casual clothing.

Rule 7

That Ford Sierra for sale – which is due to be broken up into its sum parts rather than as a whole – will always be advertised for £100,000,000. This is NOT a misprint.

Rule 8

Citoren’s are a thing. They are one of the new breed of Chinese state-owned auto manufacturers who have been inspired by the very best of the European design houses. Such as Morris Ital and Peugeot 406 Pininfarina. Hence why you’re now staring nonplussed at what appears to be a 1998 Citroen Xsara. The admittedly difficult word in the title, being the one the owner miraculously managed to spell correctly.

Rule 9

Something advertised simply as a ‘car’ for sale, will inevitably be a car. Other than when it’s being a quad bike or mobility scooter.

Rule 10

‘Cruise’ means ‘cruise’. In as much as the owner has decided to forego the more traditional means of using vernacular humans understand to advertise their car, and instead turned to another language entirely. One they assume the rest of society comprehends.

Rule 11

When the seller clearly states in their ad that – and I quote – ‘lovely car, but it’s not for me’, than you can safely assume it’s not for anyone per se. Courtesy of a litany of uncited issues which technically qualify as it being unfit for human inhabitation.

Rule 12

Vaxhaull Astras are not, as previously believed, a range of medium-sized hatchbacks for people with no sense of self-worth, but instead industrial-spec vacuum cleaners shaped like a 2007 Astramax van. Who have thunked….

Any more rules of engagement you'd like to add to this? If so, fill your boots..

#smalltribesrule #lol #motoring #shitcarads