bike theft - solved

the result of a level-headed appraisal of the situation

3y ago

I’ve now spent several hours digesting the contents of Zander Warren’s post on motorcycle thieves ( I felt it was important not to rush into a response.

As someone who loves motorcycles, it’s an emotive issue; as someone whose new Triumph was badly damaged by thieves a few years ago, I find the idea that these gangs are brazenly roaming the streets, unchallenged, to be infuriating. Of course I do.

But the landscape of crime is never as simple as it seems. It’s all too easy to believe that a zero tolerance crackdown in the community with greater powers and funding for law enforcement agencies (blah blah whatever it is people say on radio phone-ins) is the right thing to say here. We could attempt to absolve society of its responsibilities and blame the bike makers, for not providing adequate built-in security. These are platitudes. We must deal with the problem of bike thieves at its source, by killing them.

It makes me shudder to write that. I, like any civilised person, am vehemently opposed to capital punishment and any other form of state-sponsored murder. Justice should not admit a public’s thirst for pure revenge. But that’s not what’s happening here. I have arrived at this conclusion not through knee-jerk reaction or impotent fury, but by a pure and unadulterated process of logic. They have to be killed.

'A pure and unadulterated process of logic.'

Judge James

As the law-abiding public, we are not permitted to take the law into our own hands. I’m not suggesting we do. The law already exists, viz: it’s wrong to steal motorcycles. It’s just that the law isn’t being enforced. The police seem unwilling or in some way unempowered to deal with it, the aggrieved people are unable to convene courts to try the perpetrators even if they could be caught, so they’ll just have to be killed. That way, they won’t nick any more bikes.

There is, as ever, the matter of morality to deal with. Many people imagine that theft is a cut and dried issue as far as morality is concerned, but this isn’t so. The ‘ethics of burglary’ is a subject worthy of debate because, let’s be clear, there comes a point within the disparity of wealth and personal circumstance of peoples where it is entirely reasonable. It’s what the Littleport Riots were all about.

I hate the idea of people nicking my stuff, but in all honesty, I’m pretty well off. If a genuinely desperate man on his last gasp nicks my coat from the pub on a freezing night, well, he’s welcome to it. It’ll change his life, mine’s only inconvenienced by having to buy another one. Even a truly desperate drug addict can have my coat. He’s made a mistake somewhere in life and I haven’t, which is my good fortune. But the people we’re talking about here are just wankers nicking bikes for profit, so we should kill them.

It has, like The Archers, gone on long enough. What many assume is a spate of petty theft is in fact a threat to societal stability. These thieves are not merely taking other people’s property, they are threatening anyone who opposes them with power tools, machetes and mediaeval debonkers. As several people have already pointed out, someone is going to be killed.

In which case, it might as well be them.


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Comments (244)

  • I also feel for the poor chap who is so desperate he needs to steal your clothes. I mean YOUR clothes. Have you seen them!

      3 years ago
  • People have in fact already been killed by these marauding arseholes.

    There are several more deaths too, elsewhere in the UK.

    The Drivetribe article also fails to mention the escalating problem of bikejacking, eg stopped at lights, which is now happening many times a week in London. Cyclejacking too, 660 in the past year. Trying to grab the keys, violence or threats of violence are the usual MO. The scooter crims have started adding carjacking to their repertoire too. That is all on top of the traditional scooterised robbing of jewellery shops and mugging for phones.

    It's a shame the police won't kill a few, just to set an example. If the scrotes ran around with a firearm they'd be riddled with bullets because of the threat to life they pose. Somehow if the threat is via machetes, anglegrinders and 120kg of out-of-control metal, they are a protected species. Maybe the paperwork is more complicated.

    It's clearly not just joyriding spotty ASBO wankers, but is organised crime. The Sons of Acne don't attack dealers to steal hundreds of Arai helmets or brand new Ducatis and BMW's. About 1 dealer a week is getting hit by teams.

    So I agree with your conclusion although I'd prefer that they 'accidentally' kill themselves. IED's have a bad press, and might lead to misunderstanding of motives. My personal favourite is a shock-activated washer pump that squirts a pint of napalm over the angle-grinding twat. But I doubt the argument that it was his fatal error to make sparks would stand up in a coroner's court. A better answer might be a delayed action jet of builder's urethane foam in the rider's face. This is epically sticky stuff that is bound to cause immediate loss of vision and a crash. Better still it sets rock hard, encapsulating the thieving bastard in a giant plastic shell from which they will never escape. It will thoughtfully provide some head protection. They can then be collected at leisure and towed out to sea,

    Meanwhile, if anyone sees a ski-masked helmetless twat RLAC on a bike without a reg. plate, just knock them off. If they do report it, they'll just get a crime report number like the rest of us.

      3 years ago
  • I think they should be netted and shipped to a desert island, where theyll need to Morris dance for food.

      3 years ago
    • I like that one.

        3 years ago
    • Mark Gemunder, I simply cannot agree with you here. In that scenario it opens the possibility to rub salt in to the wound if I were ever ship wreaked. As I could survive, but then find myself starving on an island full of morris dancers.

        3 years ago
  • Looking at the Youtube videos Zander shared in his post, it's quite evident one of these days someone is going to get hurt badly, and it will most likely be one of those thieves (sooner or later a few iron pumping bikers will come running out of their house, armed with bats and chains and do some serious damage). I think what James is trying to say here is: let's do something about it within the possibilities the law provides, or people WILL take matters into their own hands. But then again, he may just wanted to piss off The Telegraph.

      3 years ago
  • I live in America, this would happen, in fact, I've carved a T for Triumph into 6 of my .357's, also when I had the unfortunate experience of living in Oklahoma a cop told me that if I shot someone to make sure they fell into my I keep my bike in the living room. (I should add for the NSA's sake that I wouldn't actually shoot someone,and for my significant others sake that I will move "that damned bike" immediately honey.

      3 years ago