- Not me posting to All Rants again Jesus everyone's gonna think I have anger management issues.

Blasphemous Badging

A collection of cool(ish) cars ruined by simply awful names.

Despite the title, this article will not entail a series of cars named after derogatory statements against the Holy Lord or in fact, the Bibby Jeesus, as intriguing and childishly entertaining as I feel that would be.

But actually, let me instead bring to light some lovely cars that had their quality parades rained on by the nastiness of their names. Or I should say bring to light those that come to mind. Enjoy??? Please???

The Kia C+e~e'd:

What a gem!

What a gem!

It was the car Jezza himself used to seperate eels for sodium, a revolutionary uptake from the progressive South Koreans. It was cheaper than its rivals and because it wasn't a Ford it was much better than them too. But sadly someone decided to not only give it THEEE single driest name a car can have, but they threw in an apostrophe half way through aswell, which frankly was a kick in already poorly conditioned teeth.. Did it all start with a typo? Was it a prank by a fired employee who was on his way over to Renault? The world will never know, but at least the issue has been restored on the later models.

Seriously though, Ceed?

Honda Fit/Jazz:

Yes it looks strange, but the title it bears gives the design a proper run for its money.

Yes it looks strange, but the title it bears gives the design a proper run for its money.

Now I will settle for simply mediocre on the matter of Jazz, as it is here in Ireland for example. But Fit? Calling a car fit is in my view borderline beastility but with cars. It's like calling a car 'Hot' or '*Cat Call*' and it's just a bit creepy. Honda Fit is lazy naming, and especially inappropriate given it has the looks of a waster who has just gone sober for the first time in 25 years. Next.

Yikes another Kia...... this one though, is the Carens:

Nope nope nope.

Nope nope nope.

I have a great amount of respect for this small MPV. I appreciate this car mostly for the fact that it was my front runner in the battle to beat the Qashqai in finding my mother a new car this time last year. Now we won't go into detail on how that went but having spent (granted) a short amount of time with the car I was quite content. I also love how pretty it is compared to the general MPV market's resounding desire to be a little ugly.

But Kia called it the Carens, and that was the most shameful decision the marketing team have ever made. Whoever is responsible for this catastrophic decision, I hope you live the rest of your days out in pure misery.

You have no skills and you're a loser.

Dacia Bigster:

Proportionally it is a Bigster, but to proclaim it as such isn't so sweet.

Proportionally it is a Bigster, but to proclaim it as such isn't so sweet.

I hope it to be true that when this concept went public, the collective facepalms from around the world could be heard faintly in distant galaxies light years away. A car so rugged and complete is an embarassment to itself and its manufacturer if it really boasts the badge 'Bigster'. It's like some disgusting pet name or something.

From the brand that really called a car the Logan, they've now gone from one end of the spectrum's 'plain boring' naming sector to 'unacceptable in European society' status. They really do exceed all expectations, our Dacia.

Ford Escape:

*stalling for things to type here*

*stalling for things to type here*

'Escape' doesn't give much hope for a pleasant driving experience if that's the owner's desire.

Audi TT:

I don't remember it looking this cool?

I don't remember it looking this cool?

I think going into detail on this one would probably get me banned.

Aston Martin Victor:

Stop it's not fair that this exists without my presence within a mile of it.

Stop it's not fair that this exists without my presence within a mile of it.

One of my favourite cars to be unveiled and released in my entire lifetime so far, and they called it Victor. They thought of Virage, Vanquish, Vulcan, the lot. But Victor, a name one might associate with about 85% of the nasty people they've met in their lives.

Name one nice person called Victor that you know personally. I'll wait.

Victor is among my least favourite names ever and should've been left to clichรฉ 18th century evil scientists where the label actually fits. With this in mind I better stop ruining all of the cars I actually like.

Now go away.

No really leave. Oh thanks for wasting your time on this if you have by the way.

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