VOLKSWAGEN IS NOW FURIOUSLY BACKPEDALING TO SAVE THEIR IMAGE. SPEAKING OF IMAGES, THIS ONE IS COURTESY OF PRAXISCYCLES.COM
PIKES PEAK, COLORADO: The racing world was thrown into almost certain turmoil today when it was revealed in a post-race inspection that the reportedly-revolutionary, record-breaking, and supposedly-battery-powered Pikes Peak assault weapon known as the Volkswagen ID R had a bit of help in breaking the eight-minute barrier on its way to the summit of the mountain.
An unknown race official, who refused to be identified, broke the news earlier today during an unannounced, emergency press conference.
"It was discovered earlier today during an inspection that the record-setting Volkswagen ID R received an unfair speed advantage through the use of illegal bicycle pedals that were installed in the cockpit."
"Volkswagen told everyone that their race car was only battery powered, when it wasn't. The bicycle pedals powered a chain that helped drive one of the rear wheels. The driver of the winning ID R entry got himself jacked up on Mountain Dew, and then pedaled himself nearly to the brink of death in order to knock several seconds off of his elapsed time on the course."
THE DIRTY CHEATER, USING BICYCLE PEDALS TO GO FASTER UP THE HILL. PEDALGATE, INDEED. IMAGE COURTESY OF AUTOWEEK.COM
"He also had Bonnie Tyler's 'I Need a Hero' playing full blast, on continuous loop through the car's interior speakers to motivate him to pedal faster as he made his charge up the hill. That also was entirely unacceptable. We don't have any logical explanation as to why it's unacceptable, but we're really mad about this, so we're simply going to add this to the pile of charges, as Tyler's "I Need a Hero" song is only to be weaponized like that during national emergencies, and not to help Volkswagen get their battery powered toy car up the mountain."
"Bicycles have no place on this race course. We normally might be more forgiving of this unfair advantage, this is Pikes Peak we're talking about, we embrace innovation. But about three years ago, we had a terrorist incident up here, where we had about nine thousand bicyclists gather at the peak of the...Peak one afternoon, and then all of them rode down the mountain at the same exact time, every single one of them with multiple baseball cards taped into the spokes."
"The obnoxious 'pbbbbbbbbb' racket of a hundred thousand or so baseball cards hitting bicycle spokes could be heard for miles around, and as it took them nearly an hour to get to the bottom of the hill, it was only that much more irritating. We had every one of them shot, arrested, handcuffed, and then sent to an Argentine prison. We have had a permanent ban on bicycles ever since, and take a very dim view of Volkswagen's attempt to flout our laws."
"As a result of all of Volkswagen's overcharged skullduggery, we're revoking their record, AND taking back their 1st-place 'King of the Mountain' trophy with the neat little race car on top that has googly eyes for headlights."
"We might allow them to come back next year and try again, but if they do, we'll be watching out for them and their illegal bicycle pedals...and seizing any Mountain Dew that they might have."
Volkswagen's "We're Throwing Diesels Under The Bus!" World Tour was a heavily-organized attempt to get the entire world to forget the horrid curse word, "TDI", and VW was on track...literally...to meet their target of eradicating their Dieselgate scandal from the world's consciousness. Their short-lived World-Record victory in the Race to the Clouds was supposed to be one of the final nails in the coffin of Dieselgate, but alas, it was not meant to be, as the King of the Mountain trophy with the neat little race car on top that had googly eyes for headlights had to pried out of the winning driver's hands when it was taken back by race officials.
Pedalgate might derail that attempt.
UPDATE: Several attempts were made using an old rotary phone to contact Volkswagen officials for comments on this story, but none returned my calls before this story went to press. It probably would have helped had I dialed the correct phone number, so at this moment I suspect that there are dozens of incredibly confused residents of Poughkeepsie, New York, who are curious as to why they were wrongly contacted for their official comments concerning this breaking news story.
(This is a work of satire. It really really is. Satire. S-A-T-I-R-E. None of this actually happened, nor will it ever happen. Or I at least hope to God that it happens, just think of the news coverage. It is not to be construed or confused with any people, businesses, or organizations, whether they be real, or imagined. Any similarities with real people, places, actual race trophies with cars that have googly eyes for headlights, or Dieselgate scandals are pure coincidence and nothing else. No unnamed officials were contacted, nor were any named officials contacted, either. No individuals, corporations, fully-loaded international shipping containers, baseball cards, or beloved Argentine prisons were impersonated. No Muppet weapons, jail guards, embattled Audi CEO's, or terrified bicycle pedals were harmed during the writing of this fictional, satirical story.)