Death to Nissan!

After the resounding success of me channelling some genuine emotion relating to a Suzuki, I decided to spill some slightly less positive emotions....

My hatred of Nissan doesn't stem from a general distaste in the modern Nissan range, it's heritage or indeed any other genuine factor often used to assert an outlook on a global manufacturer. In fact many of you will probably call it 'petty' and 'irrational' and 'expected from you but still completely indefensible'. But I say one thing. Actually I say two things. One, yes indefensible is a word I looked it up. And two, you're voice isn't worth as much as modern society likes to tell us it is.

I hate Nissan all because of this:



Yes, it's the Nissan Qashqai. A car we have now had just over 14 months with. Which means we've discovered one new catastrophy issue per month of ownership. That as far as my very high standards are concerned, is not an impressive stat. Well actually it is impressive but not in a complementary-to-Nissan kinda way.

Some say that when you have a particularly bad experience with a brand, it can put you off them pretty much for good if you're small minded enough. And I can now say with enough experience to back it up that every member of my family is exactly that. The Qashqai, since entering our lives in a year that was already bad enough without it, single handedly ruined all of our lives.

And after all of this suffering, I think now is the time where I finally let me grievances be known. I hate Nissan. I hate Nissan so very much. All because of this useless piece of SUV junk I hate Nissan. What better time to call its bluff as a decent car then the time where finally Nissan Ireland realised we weren't a bunch of psychos and in fact, Qashqai's of the 2010s era actually do have a major issue.

That's right, they were recalled.

I've never read a recall letter before. It was very formal and pretend. I laughed my heart out reading the words 'We really care for our customers and the vehicles we provide for them' on a letter written with the Nissan logo stuck up in the corner. Because frankly if they did care they'd have written to us in advance of buying the Qashqai +2 we own saying 'Dear God run for your lives even we can't stand the car we've built'.

But they didn't....

What exactly the issue is I refuse to specify because I don't remember. Come and find the letter if you care enough.

Anyway I do now really despise this car. And it's a few things that did it.

Summarised Expert Review:

Not a Qashqai but just imagine it was.

Not a Qashqai but just imagine it was.

The middle back seat is disgusting. A common problem I think, but an issue nonetheless. It's about 6cm wide so unless you are a literal breadstick there's no space for you anyway. And nevermind that, that whole row feels raised up really weirdly, like you're in the Popemobile or something. Only you aren't cuz the Pope was smart and bought a Duster.

See in the Qashqai, you'd be sitting up in that box there.

See in the Qashqai, you'd be sitting up in that box there.

The dashboard is disgusting. As in really mank. Though the A/C system is pretty nice so that's something. The seats are uncomfortable and that's just how it is. Everything inside is duuuuuull. They even made opening and closing the panoramic roof (which if like me you have no sense of maturity always feels like a very powerful responsibility). Oh and the door handles are made for people with hands like James May's large handed lady-friend Irma. The pockets in the doors are just as stupid as the handles by the way. And if the +2 is your choice, the fact that this version is just a slightly extended version of a regular crossover SUV will immediately be clear.

It's properly stupid.

And then came all of our troubles. I can't actually list them. We have a self functioning radio, which ends your channel connections if you beep the horn. The exhaust ups global pollution by 3% per ignition of the car, sending 4 tonnes worth of smoke flying across the street into the faces of passing school children. Oh and it's broken down in the middle of the village which is embarassing. And the estate. And outside the dealer which actually sold us the very thing.

That in itself should've been seen as a sign.

Anyway otherwise would recommend.

But does one really hate a whole brand because of this?

Yes. Out of principle. Nissan are the reason my prospects of succeeding Betsy with another wonderful Kia were destroyed, and for that I will never forgive them.


Okay. That'll be it then. Thank you for reading this piece. And Makoto Uchida (Nissan CEO) if you are reading, do contact me shortly in relation to the shipping of my free 400z, then we'll go from there.

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