- Why?

'Die'sel 'Wreck'tra.

Breaking Bad......cars

May 2001, a driving examiner told me “You are a driving god, master of the manual, car controller extraordinaire, and a great lover also.” Or she might have said “Congratulations, you've passed”, it was a long time ago and the memory is a little hazy. This could possibly have been, as far as the future peace and safety of the world’s citizens is concerned, the second most detrimental event to happen that year.

Since then, somewhere around fifty-or-more vehicles have passed through my hands. Enough to make the Driving and Vehicle Licensing Association question whether I was a dealer. I replied that if they follow the paper trail, they will generally see that I buy a car for less than five hundred pounds, keep it 'til it disintegrates (rarely longer than 9 months), then scrap it, so please could they enlighten me as to where the profit is, because it appears to be bankrupting me. Still no response, so I guess they're still looking. To this day, the only vehicle sold for a profit was a fifty pound Hyundai Accent. I did wonder if the recent mini-earthquake in Swansea was the DVLA knocking my file off a desk.

Some cars I’ve acquired according to desire, some due to requiring transport and some simply because no one else wanted them and I felt sorry for them. I once owned a Kermit-green Skoda Felicia for this very reason. With one genuine, careful, old-lady owner, 13000 miles, and a service every year by Skoda. A bargain at just 295-quid. and yet a dealer acquaintance of mine couldn't shift it and so it sat on the side of the forecourt looking sorry for itself as all the newer and more expensive stock came and went. A year passed and I could drive by her looking unloved and unwanted no more, a good deal was done and I took her home to share the driveway with my mk2 Golf. I thought it would a interesting comparison between the 1986 VW and the 1995 Skoda, both 1.3, as they share some parts. But, have about ten years difference in design.

The Golf was a little bit of fun to drive, thanks to its lack of power steering, although still more turns lock-to-lock than is ideal for properly enthusiastic driving. A played-with Pierburg carb attempted to make up for the lack of straight line speed associated with a 1300 and four-on-the-floor, unfortunately, it alone was not enough. A set of GTi alloys shod with Pirelli's finest (we here at WT like Pirelli's, whilst there may be stickier rubber, Pirelli's sing the sweetest song) were a necessity as cornering on the standard steels produced some really horrible ear splitting sounds from passengers and tyres alike. With decent rubber on I never really wished for GTi, or aftermarket-suspension as seen on seemingly every surviving mk2 today, as the compliance of the standard set up meant the roughest corners could still be taken with a fair amount of confidence. A Golf never behaves unexpectedly when pushed hard, just lean, bounce as the weight settles on the outside, mild understeer and round you go. Also to my liking was that a nineteen year old 'dub was kinda retro, and relatively unusual among the Fords and Vauxhalls that clogged up the suburbs of South East London in the 'noughties.

The Skoda was not quite such a riot. Lifeless power steering, gear ratios more fitting of a Autobahn cruiser than a shopping trolley with central locking, and such easy predictable understeer that it could be relied upon as the normal cornering technique. Don’t get me wrong, the Felicia is a good car in most ways. They are reliable and reasonably comfortable, spacious and not bad on fuel, but unfortunately these qualities are not my priorities. At least I’d saved her from the scrap-man, but the love wasn’t there so the search was on for her next custodian and it had to be the right person,. After much searching I sold her to the man who worked on designing the door handle mechanism for the Felicia as a first car for his seventeen year old lad, sorry whoever you are I doubt it was the coolest whip in your college car park, a similar story led to a green diesel five-door Peugeot 106 gracing my driveway, but that remains among my most fun ownerships to date. Anyone questioning whether a 1.5 litre, non-turbo-diesel 'Pug can be fun, would be advised to type "Citroen AX Nurburing BTG" into YouTube and then prepare to be in awe. Not all heroes wear capes.

As I said at the very beginning. There are always reasons for every vehicle that joins the 'fleet'. Soon I’ll be getting a wreck of a diesel Vectra for no other reason than that it’s current owner wants to see it dying in pain, and you'd do anything to help a mate, wouldn't you? He want's it weeping coolant, wheezing from the turbo and the suspension creaking in agony. Michael dude, I’ll see what I can do. ..

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