- The Toyota Picnic. I... just... I just can't.

A little bit of background about me. I'm fast approaching my 30th birthday, I live with my girlfriend of three years and have reached the point in my life where a few of the people with whom I associate are getting married. Even more Facebook friends to whom I haven't physically talked for many years (don't judge, we all have them) are announcing pregnancies like it's going out of fashion. And even those who I do engage in a pleasant conversation with, when the topic of "me and the missus are expecting a baby" rears its head, the very next sentence that spews out the future father's mouth like the contents of a burst sewerage pipe is "so we're gonna have to get ourselves a people carrier before the little bundle of joy arrives."

This is one of the worst and most pointless attitudes that exists in our country today. Worse than racism. The very notion that becoming a family of three (or even four) warrants (1) the hassle of selling and buying a car and (2) replacing a vehicle that was very likely bought with the heart for one that is bought solely for carting around a baby that could very easily fit in a conventional car, is frankly beyond ridiculous.

Unless you've been hooning around in an Ariel Fucking Atom whilst trying to conceive (not at the same time I hasten to add - for safety reasons) and your wife is Manjula Nahasapeemapetilon from The Simpsons, you do NOT NEED TO BUY AN MPV!

And, at the risk of waking up to the view of picket signs and dungarees, I'm going to say something controversial: it's more often the decision of the woman. "Oh, Steven, I've found a lovely Renault Scenic for sale; there was someone on Pinterest who decorated theirs with glittery 'Tiny Princess On Board' window shades and a sticker with a little family of stick people which we can add to when we have another baby!" Take my advice. Throw her in your perfectly adequate hatchback, drop her off in the middle of a forest and run. Run far, far away.

I'm going to give you a basic maths lesson. The vast majority of cars we own have five seats. That's the number that comes directly after four and immediately before six. In order to even begin to justify an upgrade to seven seats, you will need a minimum of four children. That's four. 1, 2, 3... 4. Because you see, four plus two (that's two as in two parents) equals six. Six is one more than five. If you have anything less than four children, you do not need an MPV. Easy, no?

I think I've made my point.

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