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Famous People. Save Lives. Give your car away.

It seems that the Manchester United football player, Wayne Rooney has bought a Bentley that even James and Richard would describe as “orange”. It’s a tremendous car but even so, I predict he’s not going to enjoy driving it very much.

As you may have read elsewhere on my Tribe feed, I spent last week with the new Honda NSX which is an extremely noticeable, stand-out-from-the-crowd sort of thing. This means people look at it. And because they are looking at it, they notice that I’m driving it. And no good comes of that ever…..

Here’s how it worked, last week, while driving to a friend’s house in Staffordshire. I was in the middle lane of the M42 when the Vauxhall Zafira cruised by on my right. On board was a standard family. Mum, Dad, and in the back, two boys aged about eight and ten. There was much bouncing up and down when they saw they were passing the fat man from the Grand Tour.

Having passed on the news to Dad, who was at the wheel, he decided it’d be best if he had a look as well so immediately, he pulled in front of me and applied his brakes. I was consequently forced to overtake him and as I did so, the small boys in the back were taking pictures on their phones. Lovely.

Except they plainly didn’t work so Dad was instructed to re-overtake me, on the inside. This was all getting a bit silly so I upped the pace a little. And that caused the small boys to instruct their father to keep up. Something which I suspect, because he had a Vauxhall Zafira, he was unqualified to do.

He was all over the place, his knuckles white and his face contorted with concentration as he set about actually racing a Honda NSX on a fairly busy British motorway. Plainly, he was going to have a terrible accident so I slowed to let him past and now he’ll be a hero to his sons for ever more. Because their Dad beat the fat man from the Grand Tour.

The fat man meanwhile had other problems because during the burst of speed, he’d overtaken two youths in a BMW X6 who’d clocked him also and were now glued to his rear end, video cameras to the fore.

Yes, my car was faster than their car and I could have left them for dead. But to do that. I’d have to drive for some considerable distance at 170 mph, and I’m not sure that if I were to be caught, it’d be much of a defence in court.

So there I was. I had an X6 up my poo shoot and I had a van to the left of me, and the driver of that was taking pictures also. Then the Zafira was back and just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, we entered an average speed camera zone, where I was marooned, like an ape, at a zoo, in a bright blue look-at-me Honda cage.

Have you ever seen an army of paps fighting one another for the best vantage point outside a red carpet event? Well it was like that. cars were jostling for position. Overtaking and slamming their brakes on. Coming up the inside, carving up trucks. And I just had to sit there and hope no-one got killed.

I have become accustomed to this whilst on the roads of Britain.

I wanted to say to the morons in the X6 that they were grown men and that surely, they had better things to do than video a car on a motorway. I could understand it if the car in question was being driven by a space alien, or no-one at all, but it was just a man.

And this always happens. Every single time I get on the motorway in anything more fancy than an Audi A4, I’m constantly swarmed by onlookers and their infernal phones. Once, someone in a queue of slow moving traffic was so busy photographing me, he drove into the car in front. Another time, at the M6 toll plaza, a van driver blocked my path so he could get a clear shot. It’s why my daily driver is a grey Golf GTi. No-one notices it.

God knows how May gets on in his orange Ferrari. Maybe he likes the attention. Or more likely, he doesn’t notice it. Rooney will though. Because most of the people that clock him will support other football teams so they will probably throw stuff at him.

A lot of well know people drive expensive, show off cars and thanks to the bloody camera phone, it’s very dangerous. One day, there will be a big crash and millions will be mangled.

I therefore have a proposal. Because most famous people are also bleeding heart liberals, they should donate their fancy wheels to charity and buy a small Hyundai i10 instead. That’s good for road safety and good for their souls as well.

Perhaps James could start the ball roiling by giving his 458 to a homeless person or an immigrant of some sort? What do you think?

Credits: Denis Makarenko / Shutterstock.com & @zwarrenzcars

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