IMAGE COURTESY OF PINTEREST.COM
MIES, SWITZERLAND, F.I.M. HEADQUARTERS: It was revealed today that the global governing body which regulates Superbike, MotoGP, and other types of motorcycle racing as well has announced that they would be creating a MotoGP-level professional series based around the three-wheeled Reliant Robin automobile/trike/rollover machine/whatever it is.
An unnamed public relations lackey breathlessly elaborated further.
"We here at the F.I.M....and no, I don't know how to announce the full name correctly either, and now that I think about it, I'm not sure anyone else here at the F.I.M. knows how to pronounce it correctly, but I'm moving on...anyway, we would like to take this moment to reveal, to the entire world...and to anyone else that might be watching, that we here behind the acronym-based F.I.M. are creating a Reliant Robin-based Supertrike Moto Grand Prix series!"
"I am sure that one or two of you out there in the audience in front of me...and I do mean one or two of you out there, because Superbike news really doesn't generate any interest, so there are actually only one or two people in the audience right now, and one of those two reporters that are present looks like you are checking to see if you're even in the correct building."
"Anyway, I'm sure one of you two in the audience and the three or four people out there, somewhere, who actually follow MotoGP news will find this bombshell to be incredibly exciting, as opposed to merely exciting!"
"Anyhoo, this new series will be based upon the adventures...and some say misadventures...of Jeremy Clarkson's Top Gear adventure within a specially-prepared Reliant Robin! Yes, to the reporter gentleman that is repeatedly checking his watch, we are a bit late to the game, as Clarkson did that Reliant segment quite some time ago, but better late than never, right? Sir? Please come back!"
"Okay, soldiering on!"
"The Reliant Robins in the Supertrike Series will all be meticulously prepared machines prepared by existing MotoGP teams. And to address the lack of cornering ability that this somewhat-compromised race vehicle possesses due to the triangle shape of the wheel placement making it forever tippy, they will make up for that lack of cornering speed and tippy behavior by possessing the ability to reach nearly 270 mph on the straights, as each Reliant Robin entry will be powered by TWO supercharged or turbocharged versions of the same race engines that MotoGP is currently using. Two engines! 900 horsepower! 270mph! In a Reliant Robin! Excitement!"
"And in order to keep costs down, no aerodynamic work will be permitted on the body shell. Teams will be able to use any year of Reliant Robin body shell, but in addition to keeping the racing less expensive, we also want to make sure that our product is easily identifiable, unlike that freaky Formula 1 series, where the race cars look like stretched septic tank pumping trucks with potato slicers on either end."
"No spoilers, diffusers, air splitters, nothing will be allowed aerodynamically. Only the engines and chassis can be modified, and we are also limiting tire sizes to whatever fits under the body, as we are also not doing that silly DTM race series thing were everyone is allowed to put three-foot-wide fender flares on any car, even if it looks ridiculous."
"Yes, we have also had some...teething issues with a Reliant Robin running at that speed, as there have been a couple of...incidents early on, where the Robin becomes something of an aerodynamic lifting body at anything over 40 miles per hour. One of the accidents was quite tragic, as one test driver became a test pilot when he approached 260mph, took flight, and didn't land until a couple of weeks later, somewhere in Afghanistan. We had a nice funeral, and the driver, I mean pilot's wife was paid a handsome sum of money not to talk publicly about this accident...which I seem to have accidentally done right now. Whoops!"
"We also do realize that this announcement may have come as a shock, and you may ask a question concerning what type of competitor might be interested in racing a 270mph Reliant Robin."
"There is a specific demographic of racer out there who is extremely interested in this series. First off, they have to be absolutely terrified of motorcycles. The Reliant Robin takes care of that, because it isn't a motorcycle. It's a tricycle. There's a difference."
"Second, there is also a large group of motorcycle racers who are deathly allergic to brightly-colored leather riding suits. They're also allergic to brightly-colored synthetic leather riding suits. Inside the Reliant Robin, they're more than likely not going to survive more than one or two laps in their Supertrikes anyway, so we really don't care what they're wearing...oh, wait, did I say that out loud? Sorry!"
"Well, I apologize, but I have to cut this press conference short, as armed guards who work for the F.I.M. are now swarming the podium...OOOF!"
(The unknown public relations lackey has just been tackled and silenced.)
(This is a work of satire. It really really is. None of this actually happened, nor will it ever happen. It is not to be construed or confused with any people, businesses, or organizations, whether they be real, or imagined. Any similarities with real people, places, real motorcycle racing series, are pure coincidence and nothing else. No unnamed officials were contacted, nor were any named officials contacted, either. No individuals, corporations, fully-loaded international shipping containers, baseball cards, beloved Argentine prisons, or 270mph Reliant Robins were impersonated. No Muppet weapons, jail guards, embattled Audi CEO's, or terrified bicycle pedals were harmed during the writing of this fictional, satirical story.)