In a move that will anger and confuse his fans around the world, Guy Martin, having just signed for Honda Racing for the forthcoming road race season, has made a further shock announcement that he's leaving the world of tea drinking behind.
"Bored, bored, bored. Bored to me back teeth of this tea drinking lark!", Guy exclusively told SnapChap in today's interview.
Guy rushing to get his next coffee fix, runs over the foot of a cameraman.
"People know me for the sideys and tea drinking, it's become a brand, known the World o'er, y’can’t have one without t’other it seems” he said. “Truth is, I actually far prefer a decaf soya latte than tea, any day of the week, and I’ve just become tired of the charade and the lies, it’s time I came clean.”
“I’ve drunk coffee for more years than I care to mention, and throughout my agent told me coffee was for soft, southern pansies and was told I'd win more fans by pretending to like tea. Y’know that British working class thing, work down’t pit, come ‘ome from a hard days graft and such and then make it right with a mug o’tea. Tea makes everything right, dunnit, yer nan’s died, cup o’tea, broke yer leg, cup o’tea, it’s the way us Brits do it, makes everything right, boss.”
Guy talks 'coffee' with fellow coffee enthusiast Ivan Lintin
“But not me. Never really liked the stuff. Truth is, I only drank tea for the PR photo shoots. Even then, I’d spit it out when nobody’s looking. There must be some plants around the country that look like bloody triffids from all the tea I’ve spat into their pots, bloody triffids!”
“Wi’ tea, you just bung a bag in yer cup and pour boiling water on it and add milk [and sugar :Ed] to taste. Piece of piss that, there’s nowt special in that at all. Well, unless you’re Chinese, they make a right palaver out of it. All that bowing and such, I feel like shouting ‘Stop buggerin’ around with it, just get it in the mug man!’, but y’know you’ve got to respect them, they’ve been doin’ it for thousands of years and that, no wonder the leaves dried out, is it”
Guy points to a mug in the corner and asks team Tyco Suzuki boss Philip Neill, if it's got tea or coffee in it.
“With coffee, you’ve got all manner of machine’s and tools. It’s right up my street, I can tell you, boss. First up, you’ve got to get the right bean, without the right bean you’re on a hiding to nothing, absolute hiding to nothing, chief. Then y’need your grinder, well I made one o’them out of bits lying around the garage, Scania, built to last, imparts a bit of used axle grease in the mix too, it’s all about the essential oils. Then it’s your extraction, got to get your water the right temperature and that. Some folk use expensive purpose built machines and the like, but no, a simple kettle will do me, been serving me well for o’er twenty years that kettle of mine.
It’s changed a bit over the years, it’s more like Triggers Broom now, ha, 'Triggers Kettle', I’ll be writing that on it in Sharpie when I get back to the workshop. And then I push it through one of them things that look like a bicycle pump. Had plenty o’practice with bicycle pumps with me last ride across China, got a right arm like Arnie’s! Also helps with the nights entertainment in me van, make a proper coffee and then knock one out, I go right to sleep after that” .
And then it’s getting your frothy milk right. I say milk, I’ve been lactose intolerant since I were a kid, could shit through the eye of a needle. No-one had an idea what was wrong with me, and then the quack [doctor :Ed] told me that I couldn’t have cow milk. Well, that were me gobsmacked, no more cow milk. Gutted. Proper gutted. Years later me guts were playing up again, proper brown fountain stuff, turns out I couldn’t handle caffeine either, so it’s been decaf all the way since. So yeah, decaf soya late’s where it’s at, you can stuff that tea lark up your hole, for all I care.”
“Worst of it, I’m so used to saying ‘Fancy a brew’, for the cameras and that, I can’t stop saying’ it, when all I really want to say is ‘Fancy a frothy coffee’”.
Guy Martin, clearly distracted by the aroma of fresh coffee.
Published April 1st 2017 😉
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