BBC WORLD HEADQUARTERS, LONDON, ENGLAND: Bad news for fans of the long-running hit TV series 'Top Gear' was released early this morning as the British Broadcasting Company quietly revealed that it would permanently shut down production of that show, and replace it with a high-end camping equipment/adventure 'gear' show by the same name.
An unnamed source within the BBC revealed more information.
"Well, to keep things simple, the BBC is really tired of having to constantly replace the lead presenter. First, it was the three old guys, Clarkson, Hammond, and May. And then it was Chris Evans, who I'm fairly certain nobody actually liked, but he only got the lead presenter job because he allowed several BBC executives to take his 'cheap' Ferrari for a test drive up and down his driveway. And then it was that 'Joey' guy with the blank stare from 'Friends'. The BBC is tired of having to constantly redo its Top Gear merchandising, as having to perpetually redesign the Top Gear-edition dinner plates gets really expensive after a while."
"There is also a continuity problem with having to constantly redesign those Top Gear dinner plates, as the rabid TG fans that purchase those absolutely do not like the idea of their 'old' dinner plates becoming obsolete overnight. These fans are constantly competing with their neighbors as to who has the newest Top Gear dinner plates, but a lot of them are also retired pensioners on fixed incomes, so they might not be able to afford a presenter change every couple of years, forcing them to repurchase entire dinner plate sets from the Top Gear merchandise website."
"It's a bad thing when you're having the Sackville-Davies husband and wife over for dinner, and all you have in the cupboard is a complete set of Chris Evans-era Top Gear dinnerware. When they've saved up enough money over the next few years in order to buy a new set of Top Gear dinner plates, they're less likely to spend their hard-saved money if they know they can no longer lazily coast along for a few years and pass off the first-year LeBlanc and Team as the 'current' plates."
"Think about it a moment. When you buy Elvis Presley commemorative dinner plates for the purpose of showing the entire world that you have...arrived, what will you always get? Elvis. You don't get Elvis...as portrayed as Joey from Friends. You can rest easier when purchasing those dinner plates, because Elvis Presley will always be Elvis Presley, and not Elvis Presley in the image of Chris Evans. You can also build up your collection of dinner plates and show a line of continuity, nothing like the Top Gear dinner plates, which look more like a fast-food establishment's tattered collection of faded 'Employee of the Month' photographs than an evolution of a single, easily-identifiable entity that you love and support...through your love of official dinner plate merchandise."
"I apologise for getting off-track here, as I have been in meetings all day long, and I am really, really hungry, so naturally my conversation is going to subliminally gravitate towards things associated with food or things that you serve food from, such as Elvis Presley or Top Gear dinner plates. You wouldn't happen to have a sandwich on you, would you? No? Sigh."
"Look, the BBC is essentially saying, 'if we've sunk so low that we're having to scour obscure American TV shows for presenters, and all we could come up with is an over-acting, gray-haired, Matt LeBlanc, it's probably time to retire the show and let it die.' The Top Gear name, however, is still worth a lot of salt, so naturally they're going to retain it for name recognition purposes."
"What's trending right now? Kardashians, and all-things celebrity. It is actually really difficult to find 'famous' people who know what they're talking about concerning cars, and not sound like a complete git while they're doing so. Using celebrities to sell 'top' shelf, high-end camping 'gear' is a no brainer, because the people who buy that stuff aren't very intelligent anyway, so you don't have to hire presenters that are incredibly intelligent AND also know about their product. It's a sleeping bag. It's fairly self-explanatory as to how to use one, although watching one of the Kardashians attempting to figure out which end of the sleeping bag to get into might be pure entertainment gold."
"Think about it a moment: You spend tens or hundreds of thousands of dollars or pounds each year on camping equipment that allows you, the high-end camping gear consumer, the ability to live like the highest-paid homeless person in existence."
"London has some of the greatest hotels and room service in the civilised world, my God, we even have in-room hot tubs, but these nitwits are perfectly okay with blowing large sums of money on becoming the classiest hobo in their also-clueless circle of celebrity friends."
"Americans are the worst of the lot, in that these particular off-the-grid morons also tend to get themselves eaten, quite often, by a variety of cuddly-looking-but-incredibly-violent wildlife. Thousands of 'DON'T FEED THE BEARS!' signs everywhere, and yet they feed the damn things anyway, ending up being mauled by Yogi F***ing Bear, pic-a-nic basket and all."
"Why not exploit this particular demographic and get as much money as we can from them?"
"Essentially, Top Gear as we know it is gone, Chris Harris and Rory Reid will go back to whatever it is that they do with their regular day jobs, the test track at Dunsfold is going away anyway, and it's nearly impossible to find a decent host that actually knows...cars, but knows cars in a way that doesn't sound annoying or put you to sleep. It's going to be replaced by a camping gear show with the same name. It's going to be hosted by celebrity hosts, and the show is going to have celebrities on as guests. Celebrities and celebrities and celebrities, oh my. Top Gear is now selling camping gear. How difficult can it be?"
"It's also going to be unintentionally funny entertainment, as the revamped Top Gear is going to keep a lot of the old Top-Gear 'challenges' which made Top Gear what it was. One example, the new Top Gear is going to keep the original 'Star in a Reasonably-Priced Car', but the premise will be modified quite a bit, where TG will pit the 'star' of the week in a reasonably-priced tent against a trio of rabid Kodiak bears."
"As another throwback to the old show, one of the three rabid Kodiak bears will wear a white helmet and firesuit like the old Stig."
"We'll have a top times list, just like the old show, where instead of seeing which cars were quickest around the Top Gear track, we will have a top times list of the celebrities that were mauled the quickest by rabid Kodiak bears while huddled inside Reasonably-Priced Camping Tents."
"Think about it: We're going to sell a hell of a lot more Top Gear dinner plates."
WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS? COMMENT BELOW.
I'm particularly angry with this decision.
(This is a work of satire. None of this actually happened, nor will it ever happen. It is not to be construed or confused with any people, businesses, or organizations, whether they be real, or imagined. Any similarities with real people, places, or organizations are pure coincidence and nothing else. Nobody (that I know of, anyway) from the BBC is actually canceling Top Gear although they probably should at this point, just think of the Top Gear Dinner Plate conundrum. Nobody from the Drivetribe office, whether real or imagined, is commenting on this non-story. No individuals, corporations, potential investor corporations, or anyone named 'unnamed inside source' were impersonated. No real automotive social media site employees, whether they be real or imagined, were harmed in the writing of this work of satire.)
(Image courtesy of cdn.outdoorsmagic.com)
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