How not to sell your classic car

The other day, after ascertaining there were no elderly ladies to help across the road, I sat down with a coffee and read a whole magazine of classic cars for sale. And other than wishing I had $28,000 to buy an utterly gorgeous black MG TF, with a red grille, I was left with the impression that people who sell their old cars are deliberately trying to be stupid.

Take this for example:

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DeTomaso Pantera

"1974, ROAD REGISTERED. FEEL THE GROUND MOVE AND THE ROAR DEAFEN YOU. A FULL BLOWN RACING CAR. NOTHING LIKE IT AROUND TODAY A ONE-OFF IN AUSTRALIA. GENUINE 175MPH SUPER CAR . START IT UP – YOU WILL NEVER WANT ANY OTHER MUSCLE CAR. All Original and the only Italian factory built right hand drive in Australia . Owned originally by De Tomaso Australia and brought here for the Frank Sinatra tour in the early 1970s as a promo vehicle and has the only known De Tomaso factory built 351 Cleveland engine Manual 8 Cylinder Coupe. Magnificent condition cars will stop people will stare mouths will open – when you drive by Drives faultlessly recent major service – current owner since 1977 . Mileage 46,973 miles., .. SA."

It sounds like it’s being sold breathlessly. And a breathless seller is always something to be concerned about, because at best, it means the car smells like cigarette smoke inside. And then a few pages later, there’s a chap selling a very pretty 190 SL in such a hurry that he didn’t read over what he thought was a sentence:

“This absolutely stunning 190 SL Roadster. The car drives as nice as the car looks, straight, smooth, and strong. The car is as beautiful and lovely as the pictures reflect, registration. OV.”

Not the 190 SL that's for sale. We could forgive an ad anything if it had this photo (PC: Netcarshow.com)

Not the 190 SL that's for sale. We could forgive an ad anything if it had this photo (PC: Netcarshow.com)

And the one that caused me exceptional joyousness was “Holden Omega 2008, Ve Ex Movie Wolf creek Car. Runs & drives perfect. Engine diff, trans was replaced with VE. Low kms, around 110,000ks on running gear. Police signs are magnetic was used in the Wolf creek TV series. Comes with scripts and areas they filmed in.” So, in short, you buy a Car that is ex Movie Wolf creek and was used in the Wolf creek TV series, and you get the actual Wolf Creek thrown in for free.

Now, if these were just isolated cases, that would be better. But unfortunately, you’ll be hard-pressed to find more than fifteen ads that abide by the basic rules invented to prevent English from sliding into anarchy and French. And I’m not asking here for dynamic compound sentences. I fully understand that not everyone is a writer, and that a 60-character slot selling your car isn’t necessarily the time and place to try.

But if you can’t use commas and full stops and simple, correct syntax, then sorry, you can’t write an ad for a classic car magazine.

Though I think this isn’t the problem. Most people can, if they try hard enough, end a sentence in a full stop, but the thing is they can’t be bothered. And why should they be? For years before writing their own ad, they’ve read magazine after magazine and seen how it’s done. The message they’ve got is that a compressed, grainy photo of your Jaguar E-Type and “classy Stunning car done 300,00miles runs like new lovely old girl” is how it all works.

I’d love to say it doesn’t. I’d love to say that the reason there’s a classic car sales crisis is because people are flummoxed by the adverts, but sadly, there is no crisis because just as most people can write a car advert if they try, most people can decipher a car advert if they try. But what’s not clear is whether a few tastefully and correctly arranged phrases sells cars better than rushing the shop window with so much merchandise, it breaks.

There should be a greater motivation, though. Many of these owners have devoted a tremendous lot of money, blood, grimy tears, and a chunk of their lives to their classic cars. Sometimes they’ve even loved them more than their actual wife, because I’ve heard stories of how wives of men with project cars often leave for a man whose only hobby is fine wine.

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Well, if it’s worth all that, when it does come time to say goodbye, don’t misspell in the obituary.