- The Great Gray Hope

Much online disdain has been directed at Elon Musk, Blessed Be His Name, after the debut of the brilliant Cybertruck. This is wholly unwarranted, however, as the Cybertruck is a truly a gift from God (and Elon, Our Holy Infallible Leader, which is one and the same really) and shall save our troubled world with its fabulously angular design, its stupendously audacious meaning and the hope it offers the children yet to be born.

It Shall Cure The Common Cold

For the first time in human history what is essentially a rolling electric skateboard covered by six pieces of stainless steel bent by a guy named Al in Fremont, California shall cure the common cold. This is due to its special powers of emitting ozone into our fetid atmosphere and ozone, as any rational human being with correct pronouns knows, cures the sniffles, the fevers, the constipated coughs of our weakened comrades weighed down by over-the-counter medicines from Tesco and tapped-out snot rags in their pockets. Once Elon, Blessed Be His Name, unleashes this mighty Chariot of Electricity upon the world (date to be determined, past performance is no guarantee of future results, send Him your money anyway) the Great Ozone Spewing will commence and we will all bow down and give thanks to Our Leader.

Relief is on the way, my dear.

Relief is on the way, my dear.

It Shall Cure Erectile Dysfunction

Yes, the weakened willy’s of the planet shall, Phoenix-like, rise once again after being recharged by the enormous electrical charge produced by the millions of Cybertrucks traversing the globe. The unfortunate underwear-concealed underperformers will burst forth renewed and ready for coital conquest.

Your troubles shall soon be over, buddy.

Your troubles shall soon be over, buddy.

It Shall Rid The World of Terrorists

Terrorist love of the ancient, fume-emitting beast called the Toyota Hilux is well known to security agencies in every land. But the Hilux will die in the face of the Cybertruck’s unprecedented popularity. Once this occurs the filthy terrorists will be faced with one purchase choice only, the mighty Cybertruck, which, although it is brilliant as are all things are which spring forth from God Emperor Musk, has a 300 mile range and every sentient being knows that Tesla Supercharging stations are few and far between in the ravaged wastelands of Afghanistan, Syria and Yemen. Terrorist scum will simply run out of the electrical force required to advance their nefarious schemes and the world shall enter into a new era of peace and prosperity.

Time's up, terrorist scum!

Time's up, terrorist scum!

In Conclusion

Yes, it is our good fortune to be alive at this glorious time in history, to stand on the precipice of world peace, world health and taut tallywhackers, all owed to The Emir of Electric, The Rajah of Recharge, The Bashir of Battery Elon Musk, who shall vanquish the nebbishy naysayers, the gas-soaked pinheads of petrol, the putrid producers of petroleum and lead us to our ordained future of silent, torquey transportational bliss.

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