2y ago


Everyone wanted to be Jay Kay not so long ago. Well, when we say everyone, we mean a lot of young men who spread their love evenly across the realms of cars, casual sportswear fashions and fuckstupid big hats. Which - when narrowing down the potential target audience – would effectively number only me. And when we imply that this wasn’t long ago, we’re talking a good 16 years back. The fact of the matter is that when we were younger than we are today we ALL dreamed of being all sorts of people when we finally grew out of short trousers. Now having convincingly entered my fourth decade I’ve finally accepted that I’m never going to amount to becoming Daisy Duke’s denim cut-off shorts. Yet I still haven’t given up hope of being Jay Kay. Which if nothing else, sure beats being John Malkovich, whichever way you look at it.

The sort of people who think sushi is a member of the latest girl band and that Joe Swash is not a comedy character created by Dapper Laughs

Chris Barker, December 2016

Astonishingly there are still some people out there in 2016 who don’t know who/what a Jay Kay is. What I like to refer to as delinquents. The sort of people who think sushi is a member of the latest girl band and that Joe Swash is not a comedy character created by Dapper Laughs. Ostensibly, flatworlders. For those buggering belief, Sir Jay of Kay was/is something of a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma; yet more normally seen swaddled in a vintage Adidas Peru tracksuit top, circa 1978 and Napoleonic headgear. Which in turn was encased in the sexiest hypercars and retro classics serious car money could buy. So is a bit like one of those Russian dolls, only with value-added laydee companions. Indeed, according to one prominent newspaper, 'Jay Kay was famous for dating Denise Van Outen and driving fast cars’. Which is true, and despite once almost undoing all this sterling work – by way of welcoming Jamie Oliver into his home when he was filming an episode of one of his cooking series’ - Jay Kay retains a certain aura as far as this author is concerned. And therefore can be forgiven for this temporary glitch in his otherwise imperious matrix. Not least because Jay Kay is Jay Kay, and the rest of us mere mortals aren’t. Or then again, aren’t we? Potentially any one of us (but not YOU) could aspire to become Jay Kay if you put your mind to it, providing you follow my ground-breaking cut-out-and-keep guide below.

Jay Kay was famous for dating Denise Van Outen and driving fast cars

Anon, sometime in 2016

I mean, who doesn’t want to be Jay Kay? And conversely, why should Jay Kay have a monopoly on being Jay Kay? Ergo, why shouldn’t there be more Jay Kays out there? Multiple would-be Jamiroquai frontmen of a diminutive stature, if you like. Admittedly most of the Jay Kays (excepting the original) will have to content themselves with driving an old Merc 240 saloon rather than a classic 1964 Mercedes-Benz 600 Pullman; or perhaps, a 1989 Audi Coupe as opposed to a Ferrari LaFerrari. Whilst if they’re really on their uppers then Adidas Originals might be a bridge too far at the same time, so Gola trainers will have to suffice.

Anyway, I’m digressing again. The point is, if YOU wish to be Jay Kay on the cheap then this is what you’ll need to do;

1. Grow one of those awkward-looking little bum fluff beards which are neither here nor there/forget how to shave

2. Wander into a high street charity shop, rifle through the menswear rails and find yourself an old Adidas tracksuit top. The rarer the better. Even more impressive if it’s a 1970s Peru national team example

3. Convey a very short temper around people with cameras. But NOT in Jessops

4. Display over-excitable tendencies when in the proximity of hyper cars. However if there’s no hypercars in your manor, deploy the same tactics around sports coupes. Even a Hyundai Scoupe or 1999 Toyota Celica VVTi

5. Be seen with attractive women on a regular basis, preferably taller than you. Although not in a Bernie Ecclestone sense. Drag artists don’t count

6. Invest in a hat. Not just any hat though. A titfer of epic/ludicrous proportions. Try eBay

7. Cast a long/tall shadow of a man with horns on his head at every opportunity. Or alternatively stand in front of a silhouette of said Minotaur

8. Turn up to a LOT of parties. Already inebriated

9. Camp outside Dunsfold Aerodrome, ready and willing to appear on EVERY episode of Top Gear in a desperate bid to better the lap times of arch-nemesis, Simon Cowell in a reasonably priced car

10. Learn how to get funky on what are, effectively moving surfaces. Experiment with your dance moves on a travellator for example

Footnote; Most importantly however, you’ll need to invest in an interesting old, and preferably convertible, Mercedes or a TVR Tasmin, depending on your personal Jay Kay budget. Effectively any old, sporty looking 2-door coupe will do, providing it has enough headroom for an omnipresent and faintly ridiculous hat.

Transmission ends.