I'll make this as quick as possible...

2y ago


2016 has been pretty good in terms of Cool s**t being released, right? We were given the Kia Niro the Peugeot 2008 and the Vauxhall Mokka X, I mean what else could you ask for?

No. In all honesty none of these are what we really wanted and this really puts the icing on the cake for my longing dislike for Post - 2000 Vauxhall's, the only way to describe this feeling is whilst comparing them to say, dropping an ice cream on the floor seconds after purchasing it or stubbing a toe on the corner of a kitchen cabinet; That gut wrenching feeling of making a mistake...

Vauxhall's new small SUV the Mokka X. Firstly the name, have vauxhall slipped under the radar & secretly started to fund coffee plantations? Next year will come the Vauxhall Bean or the Vauxhall Caramel Latte. Lets just put it this way, if a "Mocha" had been at the top of my "1000 things i wanted from 2016" list, which it clearly wasn't, i would've been better off heading to my local Costa, for a mildly warm half filled cup of coffee; I would have no doubt got more enjoyment out of it as opposed to vauxhall's attempt at a small SUV. The Mokka X reminds me of the kid at school that we all so predominately remember, short, stubby & a face littered with more spots than hair on their thinning head, and a bewildering smell of fried onions & Lynx Africa, what was that about? That smell is mirrored in the Mokka X with the confused and somewhat angry glances from other drivers, as you drive adamant the right decision was made to buy one. Those confused and angry glances also asking themselves who in anyones right mind, would buy such a hidiously unexciting car? I can only imagine that a medium sized brown corduroy sofa would take corners better; And in all honesty, would probably look better doing so too...

Words: Calum Lester

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