I’m not sure quite when or why all the world decided they needed off road hyper cars, but they did, and so in the coming months, Ferrari, Aston Martin and Rolls-Royce will launch SUVs to rival the leviathans already on offer from Bentley, Porsche and Maserati.
Needless to say, Lamborghini wasn’t going to be left out of a roll call like that and has come up with the car you see here. It’s called the Urus, which I thought was an embarrassing medical problem. “Doctor. I’ve got an itch on my urus.” Turns out it is some kind of ox.
Unlike the other footballer adored brands, Lamborghini has been here before. In the 1970s it decided for reasons known only to the bottom of a very big bottle of wine that Colonel Gadhafi would like an Italian pick-up for his soldiers.
Amazingly, it turned out he didn’t, and neither did any other army, so Lamborghini fitted the V12 engine from a Countach, lined the extremely cramped interior with leather and tried to convince the world that this is what it’d had in mind all along.
The lever that engaged the low-range gearbox was so stiff that it took two of guys, one sitting on the dash pulling with his arms, and one on the back seat levering with his legs, to shift it. And when it did finally snap free, the man on the dash shot through the windscreen.
Times have changed however. Gadhafi has gone, his armed forces are rushing around the desert in Toyota’s yelling and Lamborghini is no longer run by people who get all their best ideas in the pub. It’s just a small cog in the Volkswagen empire.
It’s also the most exciting car maker in the world. Ferrari is so up itself these days, it’s started being actively hostile to even its most loyal customers, it won’t allow the press to conduct proper tests and, when it does finally relent, the car it provides is always weirdly fast.
Lambo is run by nicer people and whisper this; it makes better cars too. The Huracan Performante is easily the best supercar on the road it eats the Ferrari 488 for breakfast and the Aventador remains the world’s greatest head-turner.
But what about the Genital Itch?
Well, the first thing you need to understand is that, while it says Lamborghini on the back, it’s no such thing. The platform comes from an Audi Q7, the engine and gearbox from a Porsche Cayenne, the rear axle and suspension from a Bentley Bentayga, the dashboard screens from an Audi A8 and the electric window switches from a Mk 7 Volkswagen Golf. So is essentially a giant German orgy’s product with a Lambo badge
None of this would matter if it sounded like a proper Lambo, but it doesn’t. Not in road mode. It sounds like the mad love child of Tom Jones and Johnny Cash. Only if you put it in track mode does it become James Hetfield and start to wave its arms about and have the screaming mentalism like I expect from the Italians.
That is what I want from a Lamborghini. I want an eye-swivelling lunatic with an axe in one hand and a chainsaw in the other and this is far to Germanic for that and its just an Audi in a rainbow coloured anorak