- Credit: Justin Bramwell

London Congestion Charge declared 'Roaring Success'

The London Congestion Charge, introduced by Former Mayor of London Ken Livingstone, in February 2003, has been widely accepted across the London population and politicians alike, to be a resounding triumph in almost eliminating the previously terrible congestion issues of inner city London.

Initially introduced at a rate of £5 per day, the pilot scheme began in early 2003 with the aim of reducing traffic congestion in and around the charging zone. Until this point, congestion was so severe that car drivers commuting in to town had an average of a 30 minute journey from Junction 10 of the M4 to Green Park. "I couldn't bear it back then" one London worker told me, "I used to record an average speed of 65mph from Reading to Hogarth roundabout, and then down to a steady 30mph to Kings Cross. It's a wonder I ever got in to work at all quite frankly".

Car numbers in the city slowly dropped from 2003 to 2014, then all but disappearing once electric vehicles started to appear on the streets. "It's fucking magic is what it is", Barry Dickinson, London Black Cab driver for 30 years said. "They all said that it was about reducing congestion in the city, and back then I said "bollocks, it's just another money making scheme to tax the working man", but I was wrong. I've never seen the streets so quiet, especially since hybrid and electric vehicles arrived".

Uber driver and Hammersmith resident Nikolai Chetski told us, "These fucking pedestrians are a nightmare. They are all over the shop. Ever since people stopped driving cars in to the city, it's like a scene out of World War Z. Pavements overflowing with arms, legs and shitty nylon suits. Don't get me started on fighting off the demand for a seat in the car...I'm one of ten Uber cars left on the road and even though I charge 20 quid per seat per half mile, the bastards behave like savages towards each other when I open the doors." Nikolai went on to say "Last week I even had one woman hang on to the roof with Earth magnets because she was so fucking sick of walking everywhere".

Spokeswoman for the London Mayor's office, Margaret Kissinger, highlighted: "Congestion used to be a major issue in London, but with the transition from fossil fuels to electric cars, it is clear that the initiative has indeed worked, with almost zero congestion in London in the last six months." When asked about the future of the congestion charge, Margaret told us in confidence "Oh that's easy; ULEZ will take care of that. These massive Tesla driving bellends think that a battery car is zero emissions. Well we have plans for that - in two years we are going to adapt ULEZ to include the true emissions of a battery powered car, therefore quadrulpling the current rate of the congestion charge for a Tesla Model X. It's going to be fucking brilliant".

Environmentalist group Green Peace have embraced the scheme as a 'beacon for hope' in reducing carbon emissions in our inner cities.

Meanwhile, Environment Minister and village elder near the toxic cobalt mine in the Democratic Republic of Congo, Jacob Christian was quoted on the issue: "Thanks for poisoning our children with your fucking car batteries, you massive cunts."