Mein Porsche ist kaputt

5d ago


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Comments (195)
Featured in:
Comments (195)

Every now and then there will be a story in a classic car magazine about how someone has found a Lamborghini or the like that’s been sitting forgotten in a garage for 40 years.

I’m always amazed. I might forget that I own a disposable ball-point pen, but I couldn’t forget that I had a garage with a supercar in it.

But now I know how it happens. There’s my 911, parked in my secret underground bunker, where I left it a few weeks ago. It won’t unlock when I press the button on the key, but that’s normal. After a couple of days of no use, the 911 goes into a sort of shut-down mode to preserve the battery. All you do is put the key into the lock, give it half a turn, and it wakes up again. Then it unlocks with the plipper, and you can be on your way.

But this time it didn’t.

It’s happened before, this; a few months back, when the car’s original battery failed. I couldn’t even open the front luggage lid to jump start it, because the lock is electric. There is an alternative way to open the lid using a booster pack attached to a stupid little pull-out pin in the fuse box, which is in the front footwell, but that means opening the door.

'Stupid little pull-out pin in the fuse box'

So I unlocked the door manually and opened it. And then the alarm went off, which surprised me, since the battery was flat. The sound of a Porsche alarm going off in an enclosed and echoic space is like passing your own head through a bandsaw, but I struggled on and opened the front lid, and disconnected the battery leads. The alarm stopped.

But then it started again, obvs, and my ears caved in.

After a few minutes, it stopped again, just long enough for the sepulchral silence of the cool subterranean car storage facility to imbue me with a deep sense of calm. But then it started again. And then it stopped. And then started again, and so it went on, until I was driven into a corner, where I crouched down, gibbering, with a bucket on my head.

After about half an hour, but which felt like all of my life up until that point, the alarm stopped completely. I bought a new battery, wired it all up, and the car came to life and worked as it should.

But now… I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m too scared to open the door, because the noise of the alarm has been reserved in hell as a punishment for people who serve food on pieces of wood, it’s that bad.

I can’t take a recovery truck down there, because it won’t fit through the door. I can’t push it out of the bunker, because I parked it in gear, so I’d have to unlock the door manually and open it, and the alarm will go off. I could call the local Porsche garage and they would send a man out. But what’s he going to do? He’ll have to open the door, and we’ll all be killed. I have another car. I’ll use that.

Let’s fast-forward to 2050, when a man from Classic Piston Sportscar writes a story about how this mint 2010 Porsche 911 with under 30,000 miles on the clock has been found in a bunker in London. How did that happen?

Here’s how.

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Comments (195)
  • I think you hit the nail on the head with the circumstances leading to Barn/Garage finds. The owner gave up at some point, because at the time it was no big deal, since as you said he had another nice supercar.

    Could you give me the address, so I could check every once in a while and wait until sufficient dust has covered it?

    Never mind, I'll be 90 by then myself.

    2 hours ago
  • cover the alarm speaker with cotton wool then wrap with duct tape, works every time

    10 hours ago
  • James - if you put the key in the ignition and turn it on (even if it doesn’t start) it should disable the alarm.

    17 hours ago
    1 Bump
  • Trickle battery charger ?!

    1 day ago
  • My Porsche is a bit older (99, last of the full analog here in the states) but it has that damn alarm. Like yourself, I cringe to think of that damn thing honking at me in my garage. Makes me want to install a switch to the horn so I can quickly shut it off, should I be in your situation. At least I wouldn’t get shell shock. Good luck, sir.

    1 day ago