Motorized Therapy: I start the search for a new kind of medicine
The first part of a series stating who I am, what I've been doing, and why I'm doing it, a story of mental health and self-betterment.
(Author's Note: 𝘛𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘪𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘧𝘪𝘳𝘴𝘵 𝘰𝘧 𝘢 𝘴𝘩𝘰𝘳𝘵 𝘴𝘦𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘴 𝘐'𝘷𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘦𝘯 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘰 𝘸𝘳𝘪𝘵𝘦 𝘢𝘴 𝘢 𝘴𝘰𝘳𝘵 𝘰𝘧 𝘳𝘦𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦. 𝘐'𝘷𝘦 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘱𝘶𝘣𝘭𝘪𝘴𝘩 𝘢 𝘫𝘰𝘶𝘳𝘯𝘢𝘭 𝘥𝘰𝘤𝘶𝘮𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘵𝘦 𝘰𝘧 𝘮𝘺 𝘢𝘥𝘮𝘪𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘥𝘭𝘺 𝘴𝘩𝘢𝘬𝘺 𝘮𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘢𝘭 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘦𝘮𝘰𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘢𝘭 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘭𝘵𝘩 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘵𝘦𝘱𝘴 𝘐'𝘷𝘦 𝘵𝘢𝘬𝘦𝘯 𝘵𝘰 𝘪𝘮𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘷𝘦 𝘮𝘺𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧 𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘩𝘰𝘱𝘦𝘴 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘵𝘢𝘬𝘦 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘱𝘰𝘴𝘪𝘵𝘪𝘷𝘦 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘮 𝘪𝘵. 𝘐 𝘩𝘰𝘱𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘮𝘶𝘯𝘪𝘵𝘺 𝘦𝘯𝘫𝘰𝘺𝘴, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘐 𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘬 𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘸𝘢𝘳𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘴𝘩𝘢𝘳𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘮𝘺 𝘫𝘰𝘶𝘳𝘯𝘦𝘺 𝘴𝘰 𝘧𝘢𝘳.)
I've never formally introduced myself here on this platform aside from a couple of direct message interactions, so now seems like a better chance than ever. So for what feels like the first time, I say "hello" to my fellow DriveTribers. I'm a university student studying journalism and media, a parts salesman at my local Toyota dealership, a frequent contributor here as part of the Content Creators and USA Newsroom programs, and a Nevada Air National Guardsman. Nothing to write home about. I'm just some 23-year-old kid trying to make his way through the universe. More importantly, however, I'm here to tell a story about myself, one that I hope will be of benefit to both you and me.
The past year hasn't been the hottest of days for me. I'm willing to admit I haven't been feeling so high and mighty, and I have some work to do on myself. Telling a story like this is easier said than done. I'm not the most eloquent author although I do my damndest to be, and the subject teeters on the touchy side, but I feel that I owe it to my friends both here and elsewhere to share in my experience.
Around last August or so, I experienced a shockwave that sent quite a ripple through my life, the force of which I can still feel to this day. It's not something I'm willing to discuss here in full detail but, in short, I haven't been the best person to my friends or even to myself. I burned a couple bridges with my closest friends, got into some arguments, and had my heart shattered as a result of being an unbearably selfish fool and perhaps a bit of a bully as well. And the worst part was how happy-go-lucky me was oblivious to my own toxic behavior until it was too late.
In the months following, my eyes gradually opened to a spectrum of issues I have since worked on absolving. So far, so good. Progress is progress, right? I became more aware of bad social behaviors and worked to correct them. I began nourishing friendships more than ever, old and new, hoping to strengthen my support network as well as indulging more in all things car-related. Earlier this summer, I began the reconciliation process with a friend I had hurt, someone I can say I love dearly and deeply regret wronging. There are also the numerous therapy sessions from the university which proved to be nothing less than a godsend and a step I strongly encourage those troubled within to take.
Over many meetings over the summer, my therapist had pointed out quirks I either had brought up by others or had suspicions of myself. Mild-to-moderate ADHD, anxiety disorder, and social anxiety stood out the most as recurring characters in my own show. Depression made its guest appearance in the last season or two as a new antagonist. You know, the workings of a terrible Netflix drama. The first quirk listed could surely explain how I range from having the attention span of a fruit fly to the hyperfixation of a sniper. They make for easy excuses regarding my past troubles, but I wasn't about to let them rule my life as I had unknowingly done before. I've been making strides to keep these ailments under wraps because I will not live my life by excuses, and no one else should ever have to.
As of recent, I can feel like my old self again, but at the same time, it doesn't always feel like it's enough. Plenty of times, I fail to keep myself in check, and my mind still runs rampant with the same terrible thoughts and anxiety attacks that almost killed me months ago when I was at my worst. I would feel empty and dissatisfied even when I have no reason to, especially after everything I've done for myself. Perhaps I let myself fall too far towards rock bottom in the past, and I'm still paying the price.
The most frustrating part is that I have no reason to. I have supportive friends and family that care for me, a prospective career path, and a kickass hobby huffing gas and motor oil with the rest of you. Even so, I still needed a break from my mind as well as the same old routine at home which had gradually become stale and near-maddening. And as much as I tried to indulge in my passion for cars, I just couldn't outdrive the monsters in my head. That's when I realized that cars couldn't truly bring me happiness by themselves, but I know that they can damn well lead me to it.
I needed an out. Fortunately, I found one.
As a member of this nation's Air Force and National Guard, I report to my Guard unit's home base for about a month on an annual basis. This year's stint is fast approaching, and sometime shortly after that is my first overseas deployment. Safe to say that I'll be gone for a while soon enough, so I took a month to focus on myself. I packed my duffle bag, set aside what I had saved up, and embarked to visit friends, both old and new, separated by several hundreds of miles. It's the longest road trip I had ever undertaken solo, but I was all for it.
Smoke from California wildfires glazed the horizon with an unpleasant haze.
For those also in need of a pick-me-up and who have a sense of adventure, I highly recommend checking out Victoria Scott's "Vanscontinental Express" series on 𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘋𝘳𝘪𝘷𝘦. It goes without saying that I wholeheartedly adore the stories of a blue-collar gearhead and her trusty Toyota HiAce in search of themselves on the open road, and it was admittedly a highly influential and inspirational set of stories to me, enough to encourage me to leave my comfort zone to try these new things. This was my long-distance express; my chance for my Mustang and I to break the monotony back home. With its last wave of mods bolted on, it was ready to rock towards our first stop upstate in Reno, Nevada.
Ah, yes. So as it turned out, I actually wasn't off to the greatest of starts, but it was surely something. The drive to Reno is typically a dull showcase of dirt, rocks, more dirt, decrepit towns, additional dirt, and agriculture. Did I mention lots of dirt? There's a LOT of desert landscape to watch whiz by. What little picturesque scenery that existed in the mountains towering above were blotted out by smoke from yet another California wildfire. It's as if the Los Angeles smog had followed me home from a previous trip some friends and I had taken to the Golden State.
The Mustang I had dumped so much time and money into was making itself worthwhile, and that new nav screen was proving itself to be every single dollar well-spent. I stayed awake to the obnoxious tunes of my meme playlist that's probably way too damn long, R&B, and downloaded episodes of my favorite podcasts.
Anxiety still liked to poke in its hideous face, and I only prayed that I wouldn't blow a tire or have this be the drive that kills my MT-82 transmission. Thankfully, my new radio head unit means that irksome worries are easily drowned in a sea of bass and treble.
Far-reaching smoke turns the world into an old adventure game with bad draw distance.
Anxiety still loomed and pounded away at my brain along every passing mile. It wasn't a matter of what I was thinking about. It's more of what I wasn't thinking about. How much will military deployment suck? Are my friends that I'm seeing okay? Are my friends back home okay? What am I going to do with my life when I get home from deployment?
In the moment, however, it paled in comparison to what I knew I'd soon experience. I know I'll be okay. I just had to remember that the silver linings lie in the friends I'll meet and the adventures to be had when I arrive at my destinations. For the week I'd be away, I'm not a salesman or a college student, and I'm sure as hell not trying to be a scatterbrained mope. For this week, I'm an optimistic vagabond wandering the Western states in search of a special kind of relief, a medicine to help bring out a better me.
My friend and I enjoy the quiet, small-town serenity of Carson City.
Upon my arrival to Reno awaited an old friend from the Nevada Air Guard, a C-130 crew chief and typically cheerful gearhead with a knack for adventure. I was hoping for some of her usual happy-go-lucky giddiness to rub off on me, but that wasn't so much the case. As we discussed over a leisurely cruise through Lake Tahoe the next day, she too wasn't feeling like these were the best of days. It was a heartache to hear about all that troubled her, but we found solace that at least we had each other to help stand strong.
I suppose that kind of companionship can make for good medicine, can't it? It's up to us to defeat our demons, but you don't have to fight them alone. As I write this, I'm still a long way from home, but I look up from my keyboard and smile as I've come to better appreciate the friends I've been graced with from newfound internet friends to childhood companions whose relationship is older than the kids calling us slurs in multiplayer game lobbies.
Queue a scene from some children's show where the heroes harness the power of friendship (and plot armor) to defeat the villain that trained for decades. Because inner demons are like questionably-written anime villains: colossal pains in the ass for several story arcs but always destined to be beaten eventually. After all, Jotaro never defeated Dio alone.
While the smoke makes for an eerie vibe, it was a relief to be adventuring away from home.
Nourish your friendships, people. They can be family too (and I swear to God, if I see a single Dom meme in the comments, I will hunt you down when I get home). I've been a terrible friend to some people, but I can't dwell on those mistakes anymore. Keep them close, but also know how to stand strong on your own. They shouldn't be the sources of our joy, but rather as extensions and amplifiers of the happiness we create ourselves.
How does one pull off the latter? Hm. Still working on that, but that's a good question to leave for Future Jeric. Now, where to next?
Join In
Comments (8)
Thanks for sharing, Jeric. It's been a shocking epoch for mental health - just this week in Australia, our biggest mental health crisis hotline hit a record last week for calls for help. I don't say that to diminish your own struggle; but to punctuate it's certainly not something you ought to feel alone in.
All the best with your journey - which will be continual but it sounds like you've already got a better mindset. And a final point? Your writing is poetry.
I’ve felt this. There were normal reasons for why I’ll take time off from DT or the internet sites I enjoy, but a lot of it was mental health. In this year alone I’ve moved out of my house due to unfortunate circumstances, and consequently lost a significant amount of my money, friends and even family.
While it may have looked like life was great, as I’d recount a drive in the poo inducing Taycan Turbo or laugh about me sliding a U-Haul or something of that matter, I was in the middle of restarting my life. I’m happy to say that I sought help from a counselor too and started opening up to my friends at college, who’ve become family to me as a result, about my situation. I’ve traveled more than I’ve ever done in my life, and grown as a person in every respect.
I’ve also managed to reconcile with people who I’ve maybe pushed away unjustifiably through this period, which is one of the crowning achievements of my life.
I also even managed to achieve my dream of living in New York City too.
I miss bits of my old life, but I feel like I’ve grown as a person and as a petrolhead (my drifting game has never been stronger) as a result of it.
I really wanted to put a family meme down here, but seriously man: Good job taking care of yourself, and I hope that you can continue to live as your best self.
I really appreciate you writing this post. It's an important subject and one that needs to be out in the open. You have self-awareness. That will get you what you seek. You sought friends and made it happen. It's not easy to look inside, admit fault and do the right thing going forward. Not many can do this. Props to you for having achieved this sense of self. I wish you well on your journey forward. Stay healthy and safe.
Thank you for your service. Your sacrifice is appreciated.
Before Covid even hit, I didn't really care about mental health and all that because I thought I would never think about the word "lonely". Now that Covid has hit and done its damage, I have realized just how important your mental health is whether you care or not