THE MUPPET RATS CAN BE SEEN HERE IN POLICE CUSTODY, RECOVERING FROM SEVERE INJURIES SUFFERED FROM THE DARING ATTEMPTED JAILBREAK.
MUNICH, GERMANY: Both the entertainment and automotive world were stunned to discover that embattled and recently-arrested Audi CEO Rupert Stadler, along with several Muppet Rats were engaged earlier today in a daring daylight raid to break the incarcerated executive out of the jail in which Stadler was being housed.
Munich Police Captain, Adolf Bentfender, elaborated further on the raid.
"At this time all I can say is that at 10:45pm this evening, a large, armed group of what appears to be...Muppet Rats swarmed the front door to the jail, and overwhelmed the guards inside, in a desperate attempt to free a prisoner. The prisoner has been identified as Rupert Stadler, who was a guest of our facility while we, ahem, interviewed him about Audi's role in the Dieselgate scandal."
"The raid itself was not particularly effective, as all of the Muppet Rats who were involved in the raid arranged themselves in the shape of a tall man underneath a hat and large overcoat, and began walking towards the front of the jail. The guards at the front of the building began chuckling to themselves once they saw the impostor wobbling back and forth toward the front door, because they've seen silly stunts like this several times in Muppet shows or their movies, but never really thought that someone might actually try that with the jail that they were protecting."
"Once the Rat-Man gained entry to the building, the 'man' collapsed under the overcoat, and the few dozen or so rats that were inside the coat began running toward Mr. Stadler's cell."
"We typically would not have allowed the raid to get as far as it did, but to be entirely honest, the Muppets are a national treasure to the country of Germany, and we place a special pride upon all of our German-language-dubbed-and-subtitled Muppet Show re-runs, so when we saw them moving forward towards the first guard portal, we were first overcome with joy at having seen them doing something so surprising as visiting a German jail...and doing so unannounced."
"I think that we, to the last man, were simply overwhelmed that our beloved Muppet characters were visiting us, so we didn't really respond with any sort of force until a good hour or so later, when we realized that our prisoner, Mr. Stadler, was climbing out of a 4th-floor window on a rope made out of old Toyota seatbelts."
"What do you do? Shoot a Muppet? Every man and woman in here would rather sell their souls to the God of Lederhosen than harm a Muppet, so we of course hesitated in responding to the jailbreak."
"It was only after we shook ourselves out of our hero worship was when we realized what was happening. Fortunately for the police, the Muppet Rats, although initially appearing to be armed with knives, guns, and swords, they were actually knives, guns, and swords made entirely out of the same foam that the Muppets are made out of, and we only found that out when several of them began stabbing the guards as they were cowered in fear, while huddling in the corner of one of the cells."
"Once it was figured out that the weapons were harmless, and the Muppet Rats were saying such cute oaths such as 'curses!', and 'darn it!' as they discovered that they had made a huge error in selecting their weaponry, we simply scooped up the lovable, legendary scamps and forcefully hugged them until the fugitive, Mr. Stadler, could be located."
"Once recaptured, Mr. Stadler began struggling to be released, shouting curses at the guards, such as 'you meddling kids!', but eventually allowed himself to be placed in another cell."
"Concerning whether or not Mr. Stadler had planned this attempted jailbreak in advance with the help of the Muppets, it should be noted that we do not at this time have any information which ties the two groups together, as Stadler seemed as surprised as we were that the Muppets were coming to try to break him out of jail."
"What we did find out, since the raid took place, however, is that Rupert Stadler's last name is actually Statler...and is the son of one half of the famous, elderly Statler and Waldorf heckler duo which menaced the upper balcony of the Muppet Show for several years. We do not know if this relationship with the Muppet duo inspired this type of attempted jailbreak, but we are investigating all leads as of right now."
"We're not even sure as to whether or not the Muppet Rats consider Mr. Stadler...or Statler to be innocent."
"But at this moment, one thing that we are definitely sure of is that we're definitely still not sure as to the motivation behind what might possibly be the world's most random jailbreak attempt in all of recorded history."
EMBATTLED AUDI CEO/DIESELGATE CHARACTER RUPERT STADLER/STATLER'S FATHER, THE ELDER STATLER, IS ON THE LEFT. IMAGE COURTESY OF VIGNETTE.WIKIA.NOCOOKIE.NET.
"If we find out that Rupert actually planned and organized this raid to break himself out of jail, which is highly unlikely, but you never really know...if he organized this, he's either the smartest man we know, or he's simply a regular muppet who might need to spend his time here attempting to rethink things a bit."
UPDATES TO BE POSTED AS THEY COME AVAILABLE.
(This is a work of satire. It really really is. Or at least I kind of think it is. Nobody is really sure anymore. None of this actually happened, nor will it ever happen. Or I at least hope to God that it happens, just think of the news coverage. It is not to be construed or confused with any people, businesses, or organizations, whether they be real, or imagined. Any similarities with real people, places, Toyota seat belts, or organizations are pure coincidence and nothing else. Nobody from Munich was contacted, nor were any police captains named 'Adolf'. No individuals, corporations, fully-loaded international shipping containers, anyone named 'Jim Macklin, Tenured Professor from the University of Washington', 2011 BMW X3's, or beloved Muppet rat characters were impersonated. No Muppet weapons, jail guards, embattled Audi CEO's, or old Toyota seatbelts were harmed during the writing of this fictional, satirical story.)
(Image courtesy of DVDTalk.com)