- Mean green smile machine! IG: @KyleMeyr

Porsche's Swan Song Rampage

Porsche is making a hell of a push to give the purists one final erection before we all need electroshock therapy to get it up.

9w ago
24.9K

Thanks to us and our love for burning dinosaurs, sports cars are a dying breed. The purist driving experience is being threatened by stricter and stricter regulations and our favorite car brands can’t seem to unify in an effort to deal with it. Ferrari is sneaking batteries into everything they make, Lamborghini is toying with alien battery technology in the form of Supercapacitors and mass-market brands like Mercedes and VW are pumping out electric cars like their diesels used to pump out clean breathable air. But Porsche really doesn’t seem to know what the hell to do… So they’re doing everything. And it’s totally awesome. Full fuckin’ send.

It started with the Taycan… Porsche saw emissions regulations strangle the life out of the sports car industry like that dude getting stabbed in Saving Private Ryan; slowly and while maintaining eye contact… Ok, no more cinematic references. I promise. Regardless, with everyone racing to build cheap cars with shit-your-pants light-to-light acceleration, they made the decision to build a car that could also turn good and made fun *WOOM* *WOOM* fake futuristic gearing noises. Intentionally or not, the success of the Taycan seems to have freed up some room in their emissions budget to make one phenomenal last stand in their sports car line up.

I'll talk about this beast in a second... Hang in there. IG: @KyleMeyr

I'll talk about this beast in a second... Hang in there. IG: @KyleMeyr

In the current generation of the Cayman and Boxster (the 718 model cars), so far there are five different options with the naturally aspirated 4.0l flat six engine (the gold standard for Porsche engines), each of them offered with either a PDK or manual gearbox. In the 911 range alone, that’s unprecedented. But in the mid-engine Caymans and Boxsters, that’s just downright reckless… And awesome.

Maybe I should have explained this before, but Porsche’s got a strange connection with the 4.0l flat six engine… It kinda denotes the pinnacle of the Porsche sports car experience. Since the 997 GT3 RS 4.0l, it’s been reserved for the purest of the pure, the most radical of the 911 driving experiences. Typically untainted by turbos, this engine might as well come with a bumper sticker that reads “This Car Fucks”.

Speaking of the 911, shit’s getting weird in that department too… Enter the PDK GT3 with Touring Package. The idea behind the introduction of the touring package in the 991.2 was to offer a sophisticated and refined opportunity to experience the ultimate Porsche driving experience; a three-pedalled 4.0l naturally aspirated 911. It served a very specific demographic: those who loved to earn their car’s monstrous performance but make it look effortless from the outside. By eliminating the chonky wing and some of the other holes in the car, it made it worthy of business meetings and grocery store parking lots. No pretentiousness. No cockiness. It’s a wolf in a retriever’s clothing. And if you wanted this sharp and relatively modest look but weren’t man or woman enough to work the knob in the middle of the car, you were destined to a life of turbos and lesser performance in the GTS. Not a bad life. You were technically in a GT car… technically.

But with their new, “Fuck it, 4-liter naturally aspirated engines for all” mentality, Porsche’s put paddles on the latest touring package. Why? They’re creating collectables… An unlimited run of future nostalgic cars. It’s a move that screams, “BUY THESE WHILE YOU CAN” and one that essentially renders the standard GT3 useless to anyone willing to wait for the GT3 RS… but that’s for another article.

...a soft and meaty link in a violent chain reaction of explosions, gear linkages and driving ecstasy.

This isn’t just about options and exclusivity anymore; this is about flooding the market with future classics. This is Porsche’s way of admitting the coming generations of sports cars might take a while to blow our minds, but we’ll always have this one last hurrah to remind us of when the driver was more than just a navigator… We were a key component in the drive train. We were the final connection between engine and wheels, a soft and meaty link in a violent chain reaction of explosions, gear linkages and driving ecstasy.

Before you leave here in tears and drop your F’s in the comments for Porsche’s future (there’s my one millennial reference of the article), I want to make it perfectly clear that Porsche’s future is going to be wild. The electric era could bring with it some awesome opportunities. The Cayman might be a nimbler machine with a battery under it. The SUVs might eventually have 1000hp. The Taycan Cross Turismo has fundamentally changed the muscle car wagon game. And hey, your rusty old nostalgic 944 could suddenly be worth something someday… Besides, if Porsche’s smart bois succeed in creating this synthetic eFuel, then our world is saved, right?

But for now, let’s enjoy the moment. Porsche is going HAM and shows no signs of slowing down. So accept this gift of naturally aspirated awesomeness and buy them while you can because the end of the ICE age is near…

Saving Private Ryan

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Comments (35)

  • Solid review of Saving Private Ryan. Great movie, agree fully.

      2 months ago
  • These shots... 😍

      2 months ago
  • As a Lamborghini fan myself, you can't help but love Porsche. They really know how to make a driver's car!

      2 months ago
    • though, I do get mad at them when they beat Lambo's Nurburgring time lol

        2 months ago
    • Real recognize real! 👊😎

        2 months ago
  • Shame about the language you feel the need use to deliver your narrative!

      2 months ago
  • Wow! This article is the best article I’ve seen this year, across all the car media. You’ve nailed it on the tone and vocabulary, as well as loads of solid, informative facts, a clear narrative and opinions well developed and clear.

      2 months ago
    • What a compliment! Wow, thanks a ton. I really appreciate it. 👊😎 There will be more, I promise!

        2 months ago
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