Quiz: What sort of biker are you?

1y ago

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How much hair do you have?

  • Thinning
  • You make ZZ top look like slapheads
  • No one knows, you're always wearing a baseball cap
  • A soft mop of youthful locks
  • None, and you've tattooed your entire face, you terrifying mofo
  • A pristinely manicured orgy of pomaded pomp and uniqueness
  • You're smoother than a waxed snake dipped in butter

Your bike is slightly dirty. What do you do?

  • Flounce for an hour like a drama queen, before setting aside a day alone with various chemicals and your 'special rag'
  • Nothing: you'll probably crash again tomorrow and need to replace the fairings
  • Your bike is 90% mud anyway. Washing it will only attract thieves
  • Cry a little because no one at the biker cafe will think you're mates with Rossi's squeegee man
  • Break out the pressure washer and blast away the fortnight's worth of cow poo. Again.
  • Pay a man to come to Hackney and wipe your spokes clean
  • Prepare your fingers for all the impossible nooks and crannies they're going to have to probe

What's your favourite thing to wear on a bike?

  • A bandana
  • A fluorescent one-piece suit
  • Leather jacket and kevlar jeans
  • Manufacturer-branded Dakar-ready GoreTex suit
  • Your school uniform
  • Assless chaps
  • Trendy jeans and a flannel shirt

Which is your favourite number of cubic centimetres in a bike engine?

  • 50
  • 125
  • 1800, but all of them lazy
  • 765
  • 1000
  • 600
  • 1200
  • 800, but all of them air cooled

Who's your ideal riding buddy?

  • Mahatma "No overtaking on solid lines" Gandhi
  • Adolf "Kneedown" Hitler
  • Donald "Freedom" Trump
  • Barack "Wheelie king" Obama
  • Barney the purple dinosaur
  • Bear "I'm sorry was that your livestock" Grylls
  • Your geography teacher
  • John McGuinness

What's your favourite aspect of biking?

  • Going really fast
  • Polishing them
  • Talking to groups of men in car parks about them
  • Looking at your reflection in shop windows on them
  • Buggering off across the country on them
  • Attracting members of the opposite sex on them
  • Just making the worst noise possible

Which decade produced the best bikes?

  • 1960s
  • 1970s
  • 1980s
  • 1990s
  • 2000s
  • 2010s
  • Pre-war stuff, tally-ho etc.

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