Quiz: What sort of biker are you?
How much hair do you have?
- You make ZZ top look like slapheads
- No one knows, you're always wearing a baseball cap
- A soft mop of youthful locks
- None, and you've tattooed your entire face, you terrifying mofo
- A pristinely manicured orgy of pomaded pomp and uniqueness
- You're smoother than a waxed snake dipped in butter
Your bike is slightly dirty. What do you do?
- Flounce for an hour like a drama queen, before setting aside a day alone with various chemicals and your 'special rag'
- Nothing: you'll probably crash again tomorrow and need to replace the fairings
- Your bike is 90% mud anyway. Washing it will only attract thieves
- Cry a little because no one at the biker cafe will think you're mates with Rossi's squeegee man
- Break out the pressure washer and blast away the fortnight's worth of cow poo. Again.
- Pay a man to come to Hackney and wipe your spokes clean
- Prepare your fingers for all the impossible nooks and crannies they're going to have to probe
What's your favourite thing to wear on a bike?
- A bandana
- A fluorescent one-piece suit
- Leather jacket and kevlar jeans
- Manufacturer-branded Dakar-ready GoreTex suit
- Your school uniform
- Assless chaps
- Trendy jeans and a flannel shirt
Which is your favourite number of cubic centimetres in a bike engine?
- 1800, but all of them lazy
- 800, but all of them air cooled
Who's your ideal riding buddy?
- Mahatma "No overtaking on solid lines" Gandhi
- Adolf "Kneedown" Hitler
- Donald "Freedom" Trump
- Barack "Wheelie king" Obama
- Barney the purple dinosaur
- Bear "I'm sorry was that your livestock" Grylls
- Your geography teacher
- John McGuinness
What's your favourite aspect of biking?
- Going really fast
- Polishing them
- Talking to groups of men in car parks about them
- Looking at your reflection in shop windows on them
- Buggering off across the country on them
- Attracting members of the opposite sex on them
- Just making the worst noise possible
Which decade produced the best bikes?
- Pre-war stuff, tally-ho etc.
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