Reviewed: being an arse

Forthcoming legislation should put an end to it.

3y ago
336.3K

While I was away on holiday, and therefore not paying attention, something odd happened. The British government starting a consultation into a proposed new law, to cover ‘death by dangerous cycling’.

Cycling groups were up in arms, and actually I’m with them. For years various ‘action groups’ have campaigned for bicycles to be registered, for bicycles to pay road tax, for bicycles to pass a roadworthiness test, for bicycles to blah blah blah, but it’s all just the hollow rantings of people who think the world’s ills can be cured with paperwork.

And in any case, if someone is capable of riding a bicycle in such a batshit way that they can knock down and kill someone (it’s happened, sadly) then isn’t there already a law to cover that? There would be in May’s Britain, because it would come under ‘Don’t be an arse’, which is the only law a completely civilised country needs.

This brings me to driving, where I find too much evidence that a lot of people are still in breach of the Arse ruling.

'It was your fault for being in the way'

Here’s the issue. When I were a lad, the car was the undisputed king. Nothing was allowed to impede it, and if you were run over by one then it was your fault for being in the way of progress.

But that’s all changed, and rightly so. The place of the car has been massively reassessed over the last decade, and it’s come under scrutiny for undeniable offences: for the pollution it produces, for the noise and smell it makes, for the clutter it causes, for the resources it consumes, and for the congestion it creates. And because it runs over people, if you’re not very careful.

In fact, I foresee that the end of cars will come not because of environmental concerns, but because it will become legally untenable to own and operate one. It therefore falls to us, as ambassadors for something that most people regard as a dreary necessity but that we love, to delay this dreadful day as long as possible. And I’m afraid that means not being an arse.

So, if the road is remote and open and the weather good, give it some beanage. I do. But no speeding in built up areas, no wheelspin, no traffic-light drag races, no donuts in supermarket car parks, no loud pipes, and absolutely no drifting, even on the moon. And never, ever, blow the horn. Honda’s motorcycle brochures used to include a little edict that said ‘Good roadcraft and courtesy identify the skilled and stylish rider’. That’s how we need to be seen, as skilled and stylish, for the sake of our hobby.

Just so you know; in May’s Britain there is only the one law and also only one punishment. All offenders are given the same size rock, plus a hammer, and a fine-grade sieve through which all the broken up bits have to pass. The only thing that changes is the size of the hammer.

If you’re a murderer or a rapist, you get one of those minuscule watch-makers’ mallets, and you’ll be there until you die. If you just drove through the village a bit too quickly, you’ll get a massive lump hammer and you’ll be free by the end of the day.

Racing through the town centre and running over people? God, you’ve got a tiny tool.

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Comments (240)

  • Does May's Britain have an angry old bloke, called Jeremy, whinging in opposition?

      3 years ago
  • I ran into someone on a bike once. I wasn't going very fast, because I was in the middle of a village, and technically it was my fault because if someone's on a zebra crossing you have to stop for them. I say technically though because she stepped out onto the crossing when I was about a foot from it, from behind a parked car. I didn't kill her though, in fact, she was absolutely fine, and shouted at me as I curled into a ball on the floor as I'd gone crotch first into the handlebars. Even on a lady, that hurts rather a lot. I'm not sure what the point of this comment was, I mostly just wanted to rant about what a b*nt that woman was.

      3 years ago
    • I'm not sure about the British road legislation, but in any civilized country stepping just in front of a vehicle without looking (i.e. endangering the driver, let alone a motorbike rider) is illegal. I happened to be in such a crash, and the...

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        3 years ago
    • I was on a bicycle, rather than a motorbike, but good to know for future. They weren't big on giving a crap about zebra crossings round there though, they'd regularly park directly on the crossings, not just to the sides. The police only did...

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        3 years ago
  • James May is right. We need to keep the hobby alive. Otherwise we will be sitting in our all electric, auto-driving buses getting weird looks as we lean from side to side and making car engine noises.

      3 years ago
  • May for Prime Minister! We would all be very amused.

      3 years ago
  • Can I nominate those people who are the very last car in a queue of traffic, who suddenly stop to let you out of a side road, or to cross the road if you’re on foot.

    Why do that !?! Look in your f**king mirrors ! There’s no f**ker behind you ! Why stop !?!

    You’re not being courteous. I’ve already mentally prepared myself to go after you. But now I feel panicked to move quickly, and before I was ready, in order to not inconvenience YOU !

    Seriously, this is not good manners. This is not good driving. And if it makes you think to yourself “Look at what I did, what a nice person I am” you’re wrong. Stupidly wrong. You are, in fact, being an arse ! A self righteous one too.

    Stop it.

      3 years ago
    • I agree!

        3 years ago
    • Up here in the mountains, it's common to stop if it's safe and there's little traffic, to let someone cross the road if they're at a corner, or to a car pull out from a parking area. On the plus side we have "right on red". If you're at a red light,...

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        3 years ago
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