ROSBERG RETIRES AND IS QUICKLY/TEMPORARILY REPLACED BY ROSBERG VERSION 2.0
Mercedes-AMG-Petronas-Whatevs have gone to the extreme length of bringing in Leonardo DiCaprio as a like-for-like replacement for the recently retired (as in, roughly 45 minutes ago) Leonardo DiCaprio doppelganger – and newly crowned (as in, roughly 24 hours ago) world champion – Nico Rosberg. In an unprecedented move which Mercedes hopes will divert the focus off the above-mentioned reigning world champion (as was), Oscar-winning actor, DiCaprio has agreed to deputise for Nico until such time as an actual replacement can be found. Or Nico has a change of heart/comes to his senses and announces a U-turn (citing still being hungover and/or time of month for the reason he made such a rash decision).
Speaking about the dramatic turn of events, DiCaprio told Rutland FM’s ‘Anneka Rice’s Early Afternoon Phone-in Show’; “Listen, I’m always hanging around in fuckmassive yachts, have houses all over the shop and partying with Victoria Secrets’ models in glamorous locations. So I’m essentially equipped with all the transferable skills necessary to pretend to be a Formula One Driver’s Champion. Plus I already have quite girly hair”. Shortly before walking over and urinating into Hamilton’s vacant helmet at Mercedes HQ; which the shocked German motorsport outfit immediately excused as ‘method acting’ and ‘playful in the extreme’ to quash rumours that current World Driving Slowly Champion, Lewis’s new teamhate was going to take up where his last one had left off.
Mercedes also went on to elaborate on the thinking behind these startling revelations/team tactics by adding; “Leo is a very good actor. Probably even as good as Danny Dyer. But isn’t related to the Royal Family or owt. He’s also quite pretty and doesn’t usually irritate people, while he also possesses what we call, ‘universal appeal’ and the ‘human touch’. Whereas with the utmost respect, Nico was often perceived as a sort of Geri Halliwell of F1 (sorry, Mr Horner but, you know…). Admittedly he’s never reached the acting heights he once soared to in ‘The Beach’ or 'The Titanic’, but he has got a driving license and once went karting at Milton Keynes Kart Drome during a stag weekend. And most importantly he looks like a podgier version of Nico, as long as he remembers to shave and doesn’t rock up to pre-season testing looking like that bloke out of The Revenant. Which is, let’s be honest here, all we really care about while the dust settles and Nicki Louder desperately attempts to find another F1 driver to fill Nico’s very girly green racing mitts”.
Responding to questions about how DiCaprio’s well documented views on global warming (and the fact he normally drives one of those Toyota Prius cars) could be seen by many as being at complete odds with the historically-accepted Formula One lifestyle, Mercedes said; “That’s a question for Mr Wolff or Mr Louder to expand on”. Before returning to an impromptu game of present Formula One Drivers Top Trumps as a legit means of determining which of the rest of the pack is best qualified to usurp DiCaprio in the medium to long term as they do a bit of hand-shuffling.
Whether this decision will be looked back on in a few months’ time as a PR masterstroke by Mercedes – or conversely, as a shit, hastily-arranged PR exercise by Mercedes – nobody knows, but there’s little arguing that it’s a brave (and realistically, the only) decision available to them here and now to hopefully paper over any cracks. There’s also no word as yet as to the possibility of this move in some way contravening any FIA rules, however if it turns out it does, Mercedes are said to have what’s been described by insiders as a laughable contingency plan. Yet which officially reads as a, ‘wholly inspired contingency plan’. Whereby they’ll wheel-out ‘popular’ former F1 racer, Jacques Villeneuve, who’s said to be waiting in the wings if it all goes horribly tits up. Or failing that, one-time Hollywood pin-up and celebrated Tinseltown hell-raiser, Christian Slater; who is said to look vaguely like Villeneuve (including impressively receding hairline); so they might just get away with it if nobody notices.