In my short career as a car journo, I have driven a large number of cars. Currently, that tally sits close to treble figures along with the fifteen or so I have owned over the years. While I try to remain objective in an attempt to find some chink of light amongst the darkness, with these cars I found myself unable to even find anything good about them as it was all doom or gloom with no plus points whatsoever.
In the case of all of these cars, I hated them with an absolute passion from the moment I got behind the wheel for a mixture of reasons; some were just horrid to drive (which is important), others were either horrendously dull or were missing that something that makes a car even somewhat mediocre and possibly bearable.
Now, before you flame me in the chat or the comments, this is just my personal point of view that you shouldn’t try to take personally unless you really want to.
Alas, the poor Mokka never stood a chance, after Vauxhall gave me the keys for an hour’s worth of test driving, I stood trying to capture some external pictures but just couldn’t find a single angle from which it didn’t look like complete s**t.
Once I climbed inside I was greeted with a wealth of cheap plastics that were so dark it was like being inside a cave. This terribleness continued as I hit the road and promptly began to fall asleep as I quickly discovered that driving the Mokka was similar to pushing a Tesco’s shopping trolley. The final straw though was when I drove past a glass window where I was able to see myself at the wheel.
Enough was enough, I promptly turned around and returned the Mokka after only 20 mins or so and went for a walk as it was more entertaining.
Maserati Ghibli Diesel
This Maserati looked the part from a distance, upon closer inspection though it turns out it wasn’t grey and was instead the kind of brown emitted by a small child when they’re slightly unwell.
As the man from Maserati explained to me the whys and where’s of the falsified V8 sound while hearing the mention of the very rude word, ‘Diesel’, I almost fainted with shock.
He explained that the car had been tuned to emit the sound of a proper Italian V8 but was actually a V6 diesel. I never quite got over the fact that my brain was enjoying a V8 sound but my head kept reminding me of how slow and ‘diesel-like’ the motor was. As I drove onwards, I just couldn’t get my head around the fact that an Italian thoroughbred had forever been tainted with an oil burning motor.
Almost two decades ago I was unlucky enough to drive an actual London Taxi in the city itself. I was mostly taken aback by the complete lack of speed, handling or any kind of dynamics at all contained within this workhorse of a vehicle.
The fact that it could perform a complete 180-degree u-turn in a London street made no difference whatsoever. Horrid steering and a braking system that required the power of prayer in order to bring all that weight to a halt meant I hated it with a passion after the first corner.
Volkswagen Sharan 2.8 V6
Again this was in that period known as the 90’s. This was a new shared company car, and it had 201bhp which was a lot in 1996. All of this power and fury meant a 0-60mph time of 10 seconds or more which was very slow even for the time.
Amongst all this lack of speed was a drive so turgid and dull that stepping on a rake was a more pleasurable thing to do. It weighed nearly two tonnes and had the driving dynamics of a small cottage in the Peak District.
All of this weight became a major issue for me personally when I parked the Sharan on my girlfriend's parents newly laid driveway. All 1,835kg of kerbweight promptly left four substantial dents in the brand new brickwork which was quickly followed by a very difficult discussion with a very angry man.
Citroen C4 Grand Picasso
Initial when laying eyes on the C4 Picasso it reminded me of a Stormtrooper helmet which was an OK start. From here though it all went to hell. For starters, the wheel was on the left (wrong) side, and I was travelling through a very hilly part of France.
Not since the London Taxi incident nearly two decades earlier have I encountered a car with so few horsepowers, it even struggled to ascend the exit ramp from the airport carpark and absolutely struggled with even the most minor of inclines which would result in the use of first gear along with many thousands of revs combined with a ton of hope to make the ascent.
After two minutes behind the wheel, I knew it was a wrong-un, after two weeks of attempting to navigate the South of France I felt like handing back my driver’s licence due to the all-round horror I'd experienced.
Nissan Juke DCi Tekna
It’s a Nissan Juke, that’s rightfully been dubbed the Puke, need I explain any further?
This was a 1974 1300cc Beetle that I believe was named ‘Donald’ by its owner. Back in July 1995, I was tasked with driving ‘Donald’ back from Milton Keynes to London while its owner got considerably worse for wear.
Being my first time of driving an original Volkswagen Beetle I was shocked by all the noise it made that was quickly followed by virtually no acceleration at all whatsoever. The utterly vague steering and brakes that barely worked meant it became a driving nightmare of noise mixed with the continual fear of death.
What do you think of the cars that caused me to hate them? Or are there some you hate with a passion? Join us in the #lol Live Chat to share your views.