Shut Up And Let Me Speak does a thing without help

Episode 2: Tea🇬🇧

Yes, this is the return of me talking about something I managed to do correctly without assisstance from someone who is better at it than me. Today's event involves the making of the PERFECT cup of tea, a field in which I feel I am rather an expert. So, let's discuss firstly, why I think I am such an 'expertee' in this field:

There are two simple reasons for this:

I drink tea:

I've been an avid fan of tea since the age of about 12, therefore if my maths is correct (and it is) that gives me four years of tea-drinking experience. And in these four years I have been presented with all sorts of the famous hot beverage. I have risked life and limb to finish manky cups made with the milk-in-first method, right up to delicious warm brews that have been allowed to set in their own time. These experiences have made me the man I am today, in a very suitable frame of mind for sharing the method to a perfect cup of tea.

My heritage:

Now, you will have to whip out the old thinking cap for this one, because it isn't as simple a reason as the last. My ancestry dates back far and wide, through America, India, Germany, the lot. However, I am not going to play the typical American card in which you decide you are Irish because your neighbour's auntie's dog went on holiday to Wexford once (please stop doing that Biden) and will instead narrow my blood to two countries. Ireland and Great Britain. A) because my mother is Irish, and B) because my father is english. Two fairly good explanations I think. Now Ireland and Britain are united historically, geographically, politically but most importantly, by their love for tea. Therefore this obscure reason makes me officially ideal to judge what the perfect cup of tea even is. Yes? Ok.

Now, enough about that. Let's talk action. For said cup of prestigious beverage, you will need these things:

A mug (we are not weirdos we do not use teacups)

Tea (leaves and a strainer or teabags.....the teabags are better really)

Milk (whole fat milk let's not cut corners here)

A TEAspoon (believe it or not)

A kettle (or a stove and pot if you live in the 1800s)

Right I think that's all, now for the method, follow closely:

STEP 1: Fill the kettle or pot and boil whichever you are using.

STEP 2: Text all three of your friends while the kettle boils (let's be real no one is using a pot).

STEP 3: Re-boil the kettle when you realise you forgot about it because one of your friends is telling you about the Toyota Yaris they were given despite not even being able to drive yet.

STEP 4: Pour the now twice boiled water into your MUG (remember not a teacup) that has been placed on the countertop (oh yeah you need a countertop by the way) with a teabag inside.

STEP 5: Use your teaspoon to squeeze the teabag and leave the tea to sit for about three minutes and in that time do not go on your phone because there is a 100% chance you will forget about the tea again. Maybe do some bird-watching out the window.

STEP 6: Squeeze the teabag again and remove it from the cup. Swear when the teabag hits the floor because you have all the co-ordination a frog.

STEP 7: Now this is the make or break moment for the tea. The milk. The key to making a perfect cup of tea lies in the amount of milk you use. All you have to do is pour the milk from its carton into the mug for 0.93 seconds at an angle of elevation of about 60 degrees. Then stir the tea for about three seconds after that.

STEP 8: Wipe the ring mark that was left on the countertop despite your best efforts to stop it from happening (I am still none the wiser to that)

STEP 9: Enjoy your tea unless you didn't follow this method correctly, in which case you should pour it down the sink and start again (you might need a sink for this step)

And there you have it. Tea. Done. I don't understand why you would enjoy this article but I hope you did anyway. Like the post and make me famous please. Thanks, until next time.

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