- Don't press my fucking buttons, whatever you do; right?!

Steering Wheel Envy

7w ago

487

Is there a greater yardstick to measure/acknowledge a driver's aspirations/status/entitlement/net worth than the array of multi-functioning steering wheel-based buttons and controls??

I don't think so.

'Sugababes Button. Depress every time you become restless with the existing girl band line-up and wish to exchange a member of the current ensemble with another Sugababe.'

me, today

Where once your social standing in life was loosely calculated by way of just how Tudor-esque your mock Tudor mansion was; or by volume of Black Labradors, on today's neighbourhood Dow Jones Index your car's steering wheel is the ultimate barometer of suburban posturing.

With, seemingly more steering wheel-populated controls and buttons than your average 2018 Formula One race car, it does leave some of us more than a little confused as to why anyone needs that many buttons in the first place. And moreover, questioning whether they are all necessary.

With this in mind Drivl decided to probe a little deeper and see 'what' was 'what'. And quickly found that ‘what’ was more a case of ‘what the actual fuck?!’

While it’s obvious to all but a fool that by locating a range of buttons on the steering wheel (or at least, congregating those more commonly used controls in one of the most convenient places possible), augers well for driving safety. Indeed, having various fundamental buttons at a driver’s fingertips means that our eyes and hands are focused elsewhere. For example, on the road ahead and on the steering apparatus, respectively. Or in our pants, if parked up in a local beauty spot.

Historically however, said rudimentary functions being accessed via our steering wheels amounted to nothing more troubling than the volume controls for our retractable radio cassette players and maybe hands free phone access buttons. And/or those which trigger the vehicle’s cruise control option. Providing you were sat behind the wheel of a sales rep-spec Vauxhall Vectra and you elected not to wear one of those earpieces along with your corporate codpiece.

It Drives Me Crazy Like No One Else, It Drives Me Crazy and I Can't Help Myself….

But that was then and this is now.

And now drivers bear witness to a whole host of steering wheel-based buttons designed to make our lives on the road easier. And safer. And more fucking annoying. Below Drivl has highlighted just a small selection of the multi-function controls which exist on the very latest makes and models of cars that are familiar on our roads; most of which have been created with assorted bellends and new money obsessives at the forefront of the designers’ minds.

'Benjamin Button. Makes the driver age in reverse. Or at least, so they believe having paid a small fortune for the option at a Cheshire cosmetics clinic.'

me, today

Makes the driver age in reverse. Or at least, so they believe having paid a small fortune for the option at a Cheshire cosmetics clinic.

After conducting a brief bit of research Drivl discovered that one of the worst culprits for covering its steering wheel with a phalanx of needless controls was the Mazda3. Which at last count boasted some 18 individual buttons; none of which ejected the driver of these hideous cars through the roof, alas. Range Rover is another guilty party in terms of manufacturer, while supercar-makers like Ferrari clearly assume that dashboards and steering wheel stalks are for paupers, and instead choose to harvest ALL of its cars’ controls within the surface of the steering wheel. The 458 being a particularly good/bad example of this mantra, which houses in the region of 458 buttons hereabouts.

Elsewhere the Citroen C5 has a fair bit to answer for too, according to the owners. Who themselves have an equal amount of question to answer in my book; not least whatever inspired them to purchase said car in the first place?!

Anyway, the buttons;

Netflix Button

Download the very latest box set of your favourite US series straight to your home TV while driving, er, home to watch it later.

Servant Button

Alert your staff that you’re on your way back to your modest country pile, and that you wish the fire to have logs put on it forthwith. Said button sends a slight electric pulse into the temples of the staff member who receives it, to gently remind them of their place in the food chain.

Budgens Button

Order your weekly groceries at the simple press of a button and from the comfort/luxury of your own Bentley Bentayga.

Benjamin Button

Makes the driver age in reverse. Or at least, so they believe having paid a small fortune for the option at a Cheshire cosmetics clinic.

Starbucks Button

No need for a cup-holder, when a space-saving facility exists which fires a skinny latte into the expectant mouths of thirsty Millennials, whose lives are too busy/important to take time out to frequent a coffee shop.

Selfie/Insta Upload Button

Comes as standard feature on the Range Rover Kardashian model.

Self-tanning Button

Imagine a walk-in/drive thru spray booth. Hugely popular in Liverpool postcodes.

Jenson Button

Creates a hologram image of the former F1 driver with the one-time playboy image, who then assumes control of your vehicle and proceeds to drive it to a mid-grid/field finish; some 30 minutes after you were supposed to cross the finish line.

Sugababes Button

Depress every time you become restless with the existing girl band line-up and wish to exchange a member of the current ensemble with another Sugababe.

On-board Hair-drying Button

For those people who can’t afford a convertible.

Steering Wheel Heater Button

You know. In case your hands get a little cold and you find it impossible to drive in ski gloves and a gimp mask.

Transporter Button (or as you might be more familiar with, the Beam Me Up, Scotty button)

Nothing to do with Jason Statham, everything to do with Original Star Trek.

Button Moon

A retro-fit nostalgia button, typically found on the steering wheels of ‘80s cars, which makes the driver feel warm and fuzzy on the insides.

PS4 Button

Instantly transforms the driver into Romain Grosjean, subsequently bouncing off the nearest wall.

PS, Anyone else bemoan the passing of the Momo 3-spoke??

#smalltribesrule #lol #motoring #cars #buttons #future #bored

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