The Engineer and the Marketting man...

I was sitting in a chemist the other week waiting for some anti-biotics. I was heroically ill and leaking from most orifices. I would have gone to sleep in the pharmacy, I was so knackered, but I was worried they'd think I was dead, zip me into a body bag and ship off to the morgue with a 'John Doe' tag around my big toe.

While I was sitting there, looking for a distraction I spotted a large poster advertising 'Heat Kissed' by Beyonce. A fragrance, or so I figured out. Seeing as my local pharmacy is incredibly inefficient, seemingly taking 30 minutes to simply place a packet of anti-biotics in a paper bag and stick a label on - I was left staring at this advert for a long time.

As I sat there, fighting off the mind-numbing boredom and the soul-crushing feeling of dying from a cold, a thought occurred to me. The thought was this:

'That advert tells me literally NOTHING about what Heat Kissed by Beyonce smells like.'

I then went on to consider how you COULD describe a fragrance accurately using only words and images. I drew the conclusion it's actually very hard, at least without comparing it to how something else smells. This then led me to the further conclusion that selling fragrances is 99% marketing. And only 1% about what it actually smells like. Mix a few random smells together, give it a clever name, get a celebrity endorsement and away you go!

Now the name I think is important. 'Heat Kissed' conjors up various images and sensations, which are probably pleasant. If you called your fragrance, 'Clarkson's Armpit' I think it would be harder to sell.

Okay, are you still with me? If you are - WELL DONE!

I'm getting to the point now. The thing is, though it's impossible to describe the technical benefits and advantages of a fragrance in words, it'd be quite easy to do it with cars. Yet for some reason car manufacturers DON'T!

Look at this advert for the Jaguar F-Pace:-

Impressive eh? Does it make you want one?

I think it's a nice advert and it's better than some. But somewhere there'll be an engineer crying himself to sleep, or tearing his hair out wondering why they don't talk about the ultra-efficient engine he spent four years designing.

Really, this advert and most other car adverts is a load of wishy-washy, lifestyle advertising crap. It tells you literally nothing about the car beyond what it looks like. The rest of it is simply brand identity and encouraging you to identify with the brand and want the car because it expresses your personality.

Maybe this is why big car companies buy up other car companies, so they can add more demographics to their portfolios and sell more vehicles.

Anyone who is remotely interested in cars knows, there aren't actually that many car manufacturers anymore, but there are lots of brands. Let's say you want a VW. If you want a 1000 bhp two seater exotic one, you can buy a Bugatti Chiron. It's really a VW at heart. If you want a slightly less expensive comfortable 4 seater, you get a Bentley. If you want something with a bit of a German engineering thing going on, but a bit more of a premium brand than a VW, you buy an Audi. If you like VW cars, but are too much of a cheapskate to buy a VW, you get a Skoda. The same is true of BMW. You want a premium one? Well you buy a Rolls-Royce. It's really a BMW in spirit. You want a cheeky, British icon but with Bavarian engineering gone into it? You get a Mini.

I suppose ultimately if you made an advert with a five minute lecture on the cars technical features and how they compare to the competition... Well, people would zone out. They'd lose interest. People choose with their heads... To a degree. They mainly choose with their hearts. If you look at 'Roast My Ride' you'll see what I mean. What are technically really decent, sensible, well-engineered cars don't get the votes. The cars that are getting the love are the curvy classics, the ridiculous supercars or the completely oddball. As much as we might hate to admit it, we're a species which lives off our emotions. The vote for Brexit and the election of Trump prove that. People would rather go with how they feel than what they think.

When I bought my last car, I'm pretty sure the sensible choice would have been a Mini Clubman Cooper S All4. It had enough power (Though it would have broken my 'Never buy a car with less horsepower than your last one' rule) It had four wheel-drive, enough room, reasonable economy and would have been pretty reliable. However I simply didn't want a BMW masquerading as a mini that looks like it's been kicked in the face. Why? For reasons I can't fully explain, I actually hate the cars. I hate that they're BMW's pretending to be something else and I hate the fact that they look like they've done a face-plant onto concrete.

So as mad as it is, we'll keep seeing these overly emotive adverts and we'll keep falling for them. But let's all spare a thought for the engineers. Let's all look into the technical specs and try not to be completely ruled by our emotions next time we change cars.

Martyn Stanley

DriveTribe

Irreverant Car Talk | DriveTribe

showing a lack of respect for people or things that are generally taken serious