The Grand Tour and/or Top Gear Christmas Survival Pack Has Landed!
No, I mean the season of goodwill to all men. However when these men wear Crocs and/or drive Audis, there’s only so much goodwill I can muster (ie, NONE WHATSOFUCKINGEVER).
But fear ye not, as there is hope on the horizon from the most unlikely of quarters. And in a way, shape and form designed to help us ‘survive’ the duration of the festivities, which started roughly a month ago and end approximately when the bailiffs come knocking on the door the day after you take the Christmas decorations down and remember how desperate your life is; tinsel or no fucking tinsel.
Yes, don’t fret this Christmas, as the Grand Tour and/or Top Gear Christmas Survival Pack now exists, to banish away the blues. And your irritating little nephew who insists that you challenge them to a game of Scalextric which you ALWAYS have to let them win, even if you’ve set their car on fire and buried the remote control trigger in another postcode.
Nothing for Everyone!
Containing an array of naturally-aspirated defences for marauding family members hell-bent on ruining your Christmas, this special edition pack is the ideal antidote to board games and Christmas Day Eastenders. Both of which instil a Patrick Bateman level of kill mode. Essentially affording you days (if not weeks) of hibernation away from those who you don’t really enjoying sharing the company of any time of year, if you can actively avoid it.
Unfortunately at Christmas there is nowhere to hide. You could try fridges, but the chances are they’d be full of frozen goods, while that other once safe place, where perhaps, as a child, you’d hide (that’s the oven, not Axyl Rose’s bandana) is equally well-employed at this time of year. So, your childhood bedroom it is then. And with you, the Grand Tour and/or Top Gear Christmas Survival Pack.
This welcome pack of emotional and physical escapism comprises of enough hand-picked classic episodes of both TG specials and The Grand Tour Seasons One and Two, should you need to hunker down within the parental fold. Or if you suddenly view your bedroom as a panic room which allows you the space to disappear in plain sight the minute extended family pull up on the driveway wearing novelty jumpers which could flick a switch in the most mild-mannered and God-fearing of folk.
They've Only Gone and Thought of Everything!
The creators of this unique box set to end all box sets have clearly thought of every eventuality, as there's even discount vouchers for Domino’s Pizza and a disposable (and admittedly basic) mobile phone, which has your local Bargain Booze phone number pre-entered on speed dial, included.
Elsewhere within the life-saving package buyer’s will discover a host of other TG/Grand Tour-themed goodies. Such as a cut-out-and-keep Jezza face mask to instantly ward off your dad, should he stumble into your enclave looking for more cooking sherry, as he himself continues his desperate hunt to numb the pain of in-laws or extended family. You may, momentarily relent and consider inviting him to hide with you until this whole Christmas thing blows over.
But you then remember that if you do, you’ll never get to relive ANY of the TG Specials, where Clarkson, May and Hammond attempted to cross continents in sub-£1k high milers. For the simple reason your dad will end up talking over them, regaling you with the finer points of the combustion engine. And bemoaning how everyone drives far too fast today.
Mum at 5 O'clock...
Meanwhile, if the threat of your mum and/or small nephew wandering into your room is a clear and present danger, then the Grand Tour and/or Top Gear Christmas Survival Pack comes into its own once more. Courtesy of a free copy of James May’s: The Reassembler DVD having been thrown in to pre-empt just such a scenario playing out. And which you can quickly load up, should your mum/small nephew stray into your sanctuary looking to escape the family melee.
So there you have it.
It IS possible to survive Christmas if you pre-plan. And by pre-planning I mean purchase the Grand Tour and/or Top Gear Christmas Survival Pack now available from all good motorway service bargain bins. There. Don’t ever let it be said that I’m not charitable of nature. Now, have yourselves a merry little fucking Christmas and all that shit. Preferably somewhere where I’m not.