The Mazda RX-7 rotary is the worst sounding engine of all time

First of all, I must confess that I have a Jeremy Clarkson-level understanding of how engines work. As far as I am concerned, the cylinders are workhouses for little elves. When you put your foot down a large gong sounds under the bonnet, which is their cue to make the car go, which they accomplish by synchronously turning enormous wooden wheels while singing older sailors' songs.

I dare not think about where exhaust sound actually comes from. It must be a biproduct of whatever elfy witchcraft goes on down there in order to get those wheels turning. But, crucially, that does not stop me from having an opinion about which engines make pleasant noises and which sound like what would happen if a wheely bin could talk.

If you have been closely following recent posts in the Shifting Lanes tribe (if not, why not?) you will have seen a post by the usually excellent Chris Okula entitled '3 of the best sounding weird engines'. Entries #1 and #2 are tolerable; it's #3 that has me working up an almighty petrolhead huff.

In his article, Chris presents readers with the Wankel rotary engine found in the 3rd-generation Mazda RX-7 like a cockroach on an enormous platter. Now, I unreservedly concede that Chris is a brilliant and established writer with great knowledge and experience in this area, but on this occasion he has got it completely and utterly wrong. Like a kangaroo in a shoebox.

Introducing the hideous shrieks of this feeble attempt at an engine, Chris brushes off the 'bad rap' that it has received for 'reliability issues and poor fuel consumption', as if those problems are negligible and would only be focussed upon by someone with an evil, Mazda-phobic ulterior motive. Deary me, matey.

'Poor fuel consumption' is inaccurate. The problem, in fact, is that this engine's fuel consumption is really rather good. It guzzles the stuff like rich women do Pinot. As for its 'reliability issues', that is a very polite way of saying it does not work. Maybe they forgot to line up the elves properly, who knows.

It is immediately clear that the very special people who built this thing were off their heads on something Russian at the time, which might be why they only gave it a measly 252 brake horsepower. This ought to drain you of any hope that the engine will sound good when you turn it on, but it can never prepare you for the aural horror that awaits.

Chris practically boasts that this rotary thingummy 'produces sounds no other engine can make'. This may be true, in the same way that a meerkat torturing Gordon Ramsay with a potato peeler and a lemon juicer produces sounds nothing else could.

As the videos peppering this article demonstrate, the otherwise delightful Mazda RX-7 was cursed by this horrid excuse for an engine thrust inside it. It sounds like a combination of a screaming lion, someone scraping their teeth against a chalkboard and lunatic shooting a cat repeatedly in the head. It is truly abominable.

This has to be part of the reason it ended up being called a Wankel.

A little note. Like you give to your teacher to get out of PE.

It is testament to my lack of faith in the rationality of humankind that I feel the need to write this disclaimer. This piece is written entirely in jest. I am fully aware, for instance, that the Wankel engine is named after a person, not a stain. While the opinions within it are truly my own, as I emphasised at the start of the article, I have literally no idea what I am talking about in this field.

Chris Okula is a fantastic writer and a very highly respected colleague of mine, who also has a sense of humour. If you had yours amputated as a child, my thoughts and prayers are with you.

Now this is what an exhaust should sound like

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