The Mini Cooper JCW GP is the coolest hatchback on sale today.

And I am not willing to compromise on this proposal. Please enjoy this passive-aggressive discussion.

Cars have never been better. I'm saying this like I have been around since the 1970s and actually have the grounds to judge. But by simple terms of comparison, I like modern cars. James May likes modern cars too so I think this must be correct.

Anyway, today I am declaring the Mini Cooper JCW GP as the coolest hatchback innnn the woooooooooooorld! This statement arises from bias and undying love, not from practical assessment. Because practical assessment is boring, and fake news is the most interesting news.

Actually not only James May would like this modern car. A certain Sir Clarkson loves this car, given it's his CAR OF THE YEAR after all. Or one of them at least I don't know. Today I shall explain my completely irrelevant reasons for loving this car, of which your agreement doesn't matter to me. Do enjoy!

The Market:

I examined the market extensively, and found this hot hatch to actually be hot, but also to be a hatch. Yes, Mini's have gotten bigger, of course they have. But they are still mini, especially by today's standards. Actually the Countryman isn't, but I don't think it was intended to be. Anyway other hatchbacks just aren't as cool and that's about it. Even the ALL NEW EXTRAORDINARY KIA CEED GT FROM JUST €29,000!!!

Coolest car designers since sliced bread. And sliced bread was a very good car designer make no mistake.

Coolest car designers since sliced bread. And sliced bread was a very good car designer make no mistake.

Anyway sorry this is about Mini. Some more reasons why the JCW GP is the best hot hatch ever are:

It's circle based interior!

What you are looking at here is what the french call 'folie totale' according to Google Translate. Because three years of studying french has only taught me to discuss my daily routine and the age of my deceased dog. Irish Education System everybody👏👏👏. Anyway there literally is madness inside the Cooper JCW GP. Circles everywhere, nothing precise or taking centre-stage, just a mob of all things cool, unpretentious and very funky indeed! The true hot hatch enthusiast's dream! And making it fun doesn't mean losing out practically. It would be a big misjudgement to assume the GP is by any means, under equipped.....put it that way.

The lights:

If you are one of those grudge holding people who refuse to let history sit in history, you might not like the Mini's sort of.....out there....way of showing it's heritage. I however, think these are the coolest lights I've ever seen. And because this is my article and most of you reading this live too far away to throw a brick through my window, there's very little you can do about it......

The Union Jack tail lights are mesmeric. Finally Britain in all the glory it does not posess, has something worthy of pride! Just kindly ignore the fact it will probably have been built by the germans........

*awkward silence*........Let's move on!

PS: The front lights are as stunning and iconic as ever. Yay.

THE WHOLE DAAAAMN CAAAAAAAAAR:

I mean come onnnnnnn. That is magnificent. It's incredible what a car like this does to even the most mature of people, like myself for example. I am utterly taken away by its hyper-active vibe. And as it is I praise nearly anything that shines the iconic Mini badge. True excitement and enthusiasm in a time where everything streamline is considered fashionable. This, is not fashionable. Maybe that's why I love it so much.

Does as says as tin:

The GP is a hot hatch. Let there be no doubt or question about that. It isn't one of those dress up cars that puts on a fake exhuast in the morning and thinks it can set a new Nurburgring lap record time as a result. A quick rundown of the stats...... 165mph speeds and 5.0 second 0-60 time made possible by the 301bhp developing 2.0L I4 engine, with the in-the-flesh car weighing in at 2,855 pounds. What a blast that'd be.......

Anyway:

Love declared, I bid you farewell in the hope that you now feel the same, if you didn't already before.

Thank you for reading.

And share your favourite hot hatch nominations!!!

Adios.

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