Travelling overseas is very fun, but it can also be a minefield as well. Not only do you have to worry about flights and taxis, and whether your flight has movies included, like they said it did – you also have to worry about the different climate and culture and what you simply can’t do. Like wearing flag-themed budgie smugglers in Malaysia.
Of course, travel agents can provide a lot of help here, if you have one – but there’s more that can be done to help the idiot abroad. Particularly in terms of transport when you get there.
Hire car companies are notoriously unhelpful. No matter where you go, whether it’s Venice or the Sahara, the only option they really have is a Toyota Camry. Or similar. Which just means they have a backup fleet of Nissan Altimas in case the Camrys have all been vomited in.
This doesn’t take into account that countries differ hugely, and that what’s helpful in one country is very unhelpful in another. And that travelling appropriately doesn’t stop with clothes.
Of course, you can often hire 4WDs and microcars on the website, but there’s no tuned advice to guide you in this vital decision. So too often, people end up with a Camry.
We’ve decided to help.
Ideally, this would have involved going to various countries to make an educated judgment on just what car and accessories would be useful, but unfortunately there wasn’t enough in the ATW till to permit this, and I’d rather there wasn’t a big thing into what may have happened to some of it.
So, instead we decided to rely on stereotypes and anecdotes and general knowledge, and where these fell a bit short, make it up. And while we’re completely confident that all our advice is right and wise, we will not be responsible for any personal loss or injury that may occur as a result of following it.
Got that?
Photo credit: NS Travel & Tours.
ITALY_
Italy is generally the first item on the traveller’s bucket list, because Leonarda da Vinci was born there.
And you certainly can’t tour the beautiful Italian countryside and villages in anything other than an emotive Italian car. Now, it can cost a bit to hire a Ferrari or a Lamborghini, so settle for second best and get a Fiat or Alfa Guilia.
Bear in mind that, for any country, as an alternative to hiring you can do what some foreign visitors do – buy a cheap car when you get there and sell it when you leave, if only to a scrap dealer. We’d recommend this for Italy. Get a classic Lancia or Alfa.
In fact, we've found this 2002 Alfa Romeo GTV Twin-Spark for sale at 1.500 euros.
It may not work all that well, but we can think of worse predicaments than being stranded in a classical Italian village, across from an old inn with a beckoning and toothless local. Like having to catch a flight in an hour’s time.
The Smart way to park in Rome. Photo by Dave Coleman (ATW)
Now, if you’re going to Rome – which you will, because all roads lead there – there’s a couple of things to bear in mind. Parking is at a premium, so we’d actually suggest doing the done thing and getting a Smart car, or similar. Similar being, an original Fiat 500 Bambino.
Park it somewhere impossible, then walk. In the likely event that you are approached by a dark man, quickly give him the library card and tell him a number. Then run.
Photo credit: Travel Click Tips
ENGLAND_
England is a fair isle of rolling countryside and lovely castles and bubbling brooks where, you just know, King Arthur ebbed out his blood at Hastings, all that time ago.
Obviously, you cruise this kind of picturesque landscape in an open top British sports car, again, one which you’ve bought over there for a few quid. I’m thinking of a 1970s Triumph Spitfire. So the sponge is poking through the vinyl, but it’s still a lark.
Unfortunately, though, not only does this rely on sunshine, which will never again happen in England until Arthur returns in its hour of greatest need, but it seems that the UK has developed a love of point-to-point speed cameras and speed bumps and congestion charges for inefficient cars. A 1970s Triumph will not have a working speedo, speed bumps will shake it to pieces, and it belches fumes like a lout in a tavern.
England has moved on. And so has our ideal car.
We’d actually recommend a Suzuki Ignis. It’s really small and tall, so it can negotiate London traffic, it’s a hybrid, and because it’s AWD, it should be able to cope better when you get bogged going birdwatching.
Photo credit: netcarshow.com
You can also set the cruise control, which you can’t do with a Triumph, and this might minimise the risk of a speeding fine. Still, we’d recommend you don’t look at the castles or the countryside and instead focus on the speedo.
Photo credit: Trafalgar
HOLLAND_
Holland is lovely. I've never been there, but I’ve seen pictures and it just looks very, very charming. It may also help that I’ve read many books set in Nazi-occupied Netherlands, and I became very touched by this peaceful little low country with windmills, being ground under a jackboot.
I don’t get the clogs though. I realize it’s very muddy there, but I tried wearing wooden clogs once. My knees came off.
Holland is also very flat, and it’s not that big, which is why we’d recommend just buying or hiring a bicycle while you’re there. Everything is tailored to the cyclist over there, and you can even get ones that lend a bit of electric help when you’re tired.
A Royal Dutch Gazelle. Photo credit: Gazelle.
It will give you an opportunity to work off all those cheeses. Just bear this rule in mind – if you sense you’re going uphill, stop. You’re on a dyke.
Photo credit: nationalinterest.org
RUSSIA_
No, don’t give that look. There’s quite a bit of culture in Russia. The Communists tried to kill it, but they didn’t really succeed. So for the traveller who does everything, you should really try and get a trip in.
I don’t think this is relevant but Tchaikovsky came from Russia.
Our suggestion would be a Volvo XC90. Make sure you get chains with it, because when you go to Siberia…come on. Of course you’ll go to Siberia. It’s worth it in boasting points. Just imagine: “Yeah, it is chilly. Still, not as bad as when I was in Siberia.”
And make sure you’ve got gloves in case you have to put the chains back on. There is no suffering like skinning your knuckles in the cold.
Photo credit: netcarshow.com
The main reason we’d suggest a Volvo XC 90 is because it’s a big car, which we feel is necessary to be less vulnerable, and because it’s designed in alpine conditions, and also because it’s a very safe car. You need a safe car in Russia, either that or a squadron of guardian angels.
On that note, we’d definitely recommend buying a dashcam. So that when a vodka-drunk Russian trucker slams into you, and you die, we can all watch the footage on YouTube.
Photo credit: 1ZOOM.Me
SOUTH AFRICA_
From what we’ve heard, South Africa has become a pretty violent place. Apparently, you simply do not have windows that aren’t covered by strong bars, most houses are surrounded by electric fences, and the sleeping part of the house can be closed off at night with a steel door.
In fact, I’ve been told many dreadful stores by friends who lived in South Africa, and then moved to Australia. Stories to make the blood run cold.
Despite this, it is a very beautiful country. So while you wouldn’t live there, you would certainly consider going for a visit. And necessity being the mother of invention, or cometh the moment, cometh the car – South Africa has its very own car which is really quite effective at resisting carjacking.
It’s the Marauder. Richard Hammond drove it in TopGear Series 17, and proved just how impressively it could sit on TNT, or detour through a brick wall, or lend fresh meaning to Drive Thru at McDonalds.
It was also in our Cars that Aren’t Really Cars.
Don't you just hate it when lions attack your wipers?
It isn’t the best around Johannesburg, but for the scenic trip through South Africa’s beautiful wilderness, it should be an absolute blast.
If you don’t decide to go with this, which you should, we would really suggest a 4WD. If you need to go off the road in a hurry to avoid a baseball bat, it might be very useful, plus they provide that extra bit of height, which is protection.
And bear in mind the SA road rule – this is genuine – that if you feel threatened, you don’t have to stop at a STOP sign.
Photo credit: sepulsa.com
INDONESIA_
Indonesian food is probably the best of all the Asian foods, and I know, because I have an Indonesian auntie. She once made a lovely noodle dish, and the funniest thing was that I got all the chicken and everyone else got all the tofu.
Indonesia also has volcanoes and lush rainforests, and really, I think if you’ve seen one small Asian country you’ve seen them all. There’s extra motivation to pick Indonesia because Bali is nearby.
It’s very densely populated, though, and this means that road rules don’t exist. So you will see colourful buses with people squatting on the roof and whole families on one moped and newborn babies strapped to jerrycans. All this, while darting in front of each other, beeping pathetic little horns.
So when picking transport in Indonesia, ask yourself whether you want to be killed, or a killer. Naturally, you want to be a killer, so pick a car.
The car we’d recommend is probably a cheap Toyota Yaris – something that’s safe and large enough to protect you but small enough to negotiate Jakarta without wiping out too many whole families. Cheap Toyotas seem to be a commodity over there, also.
Photo credit: netcarshow.com
Bear in mind that there are often no traffic lights. Traffic will come at each other from opposite directions and you just have to merge into each other without hitting anyone. I’ve seen it on videos. It reminded me of two battle fronts coming together in The Hobbit.
Photo credit: gentlegiant.com
USA_
I’d hate to live in the good old USA, because their health system is all wrong and children get given a gun on their third birthday. But a visit – definitely. There simply is so much to see and do.
And I don’t want to argue about this. American cuisine is the best.
With a wealth of informative movies, advising the best car is super-easy. Obviously, you want a big American pick-up truck, like a GMC or a Ford F1-50, or Dodge Ram. The only way a man is respected in America is if he has a gun and a pick-up.
Photo credit: netcarshow.com
That settled, there’s a couple of extra tips to keep in mind. Firstly, Americans drive on the right side of the road. You may be all very cool about this, like it won’t be that difficult to adjust – but prepare to be surprised. The brain has an autopilot notch, and in well-worn brains, it doesn’t take long for the cogs to slip into it.
I’ve seen Americans who’ve been in Australia for a decent period of time, suddenly have a moment and waltz up to the wrong door. One day they’ll have a moment and kill themselves.
So when you’re driving in America, keep asking yourself, “Am I on the wrong side of the road?” If the answer is yes, all good.
And when you need to “fill her up” – which you will often, because those American pick-ups drink heavily, don’t ask for the nearest petrol station. They call it gas over there. Have no idea why – gas is something entirely different.
One last tip. If you’re just visiting a few theme parks and the Lincoln Memorial, fine. But if you’re travelling extensively across the country, consider getting a gun. Because apparently, the only reason people get shot in America is because they didn’t have a gun handy to defend themselves.
Photo credit: HD Wallpapers
AUSTRALIA_
The final tourist destination listed in this edition of our expert travel guide is the one which we can speak on with the greatest degree of knowledge, since we are in Australia.
Don’t be put off by the prospect of being eaten by a Great White near one of our lovely beaches, or bitten by a King Brown while bushwalking, or putting on shoes and painfully learning that the world’s most dangerous spider was in there. Because none of us have ever been bitten by any of these. Nor have we been bitten by a koala bear, because there's no such thing.
The fact of the matter is you simply want to go to Australia, so rather than debate it, this is what you’ll need to know.
If you’re just intending to visit the Opera House, or go from hotel to beach on the Gold Coast, all you’ll need is whatever small hatchback the hire company offers, as long as it can fit a surfboard on the roof.
Any further afield, though, and you’ll want something with a bit more guts, because Australia is rather vast, and there’s a whole lot of open road between one place and the other. For this we’d recommend the locally-built Holden Commodore, which comes with at least a V6. Local production ends this year, but hire companies still have plenty in their fleet.
They accelerate very well, and they’re very comfortable.
Photo credit: netcarshow.com
However, if you’re intending to go a bit rougher than just the highways, do what everyone else does and get a Toyota Prado or Landcruiser. They cope well with the rough stuff and high temperatures, and they don’t break down. Which means you don’t die in the middle of the Simpson.
If you’re going out-backing, don’t forget to bring a lot of fuel, a lot of water, a radio so you can call the flying doctor when you step on an inland taipan, and also a six-pack of beer. It doesn’t matter if you don’t like beer. No Aussie 4WDer has ever gone off without it. It’s unclear what might happen if you do.
Photo credit: Toyota Australia.
Regardless of where you drive in Australia, though, the biggest thing to be wary of are kangaroos. There are two types of people in Australia. People who have hit kangaroos and people who have just missed. Be in the latter category.
Hitting one will cause a lot of damage, and if it’s big enough, it could write the car off. And of course, there’s the stories about some ending up, panic-stricken and kicking, in the cabin.
And don’t go running over wombats either. You might think, “Oh, that’s just a cute fur ball which I can’t really avoid” – but they’re actually very big and powerful.
A couple of final points: you can be booked for going two kilometres over the speed limit in Victoria, the state with the highest road toll, and if you’re in NSW, never speed into a country town.
So happy holidays!
Armed with our solid advice, you should now be ready to visit any of these countries without fear of mishap. You’re now in a position to make an educated decision on transport that will ensure you and your loved ones have a great holiday.*
If there’s any other countries you’d like our expertise on, let us know in the comments!
*We will not be responsible if you don't.
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Comments (44)
Great Travel Guide! You should have this printed ;-) I'd like to add one thing about the Netherlands: you said 'if you sense you’re going uphill, stop. You’re on a dyke.' but in most cases that probably means you've left the country...
Ha ha, one of your best reads! Howcome NZ isn't on your list, its a tad bit prettier than Australia and we don't have things that want to kill you, unless you live in one of the small towns with rowdy teens on drugs. Ha ha, as a health science student at Uni, USA is a model for the worst health system in the developed world but New York is the place of dreams for me, but apart from that nothing much of interest there. I lived in India for a number of years and if you are going there, a small Suzuki Swift or an Alto is probably best to avoid being part of the road toll! I'm sure Josh would have loved a US trip, yes Italy is top of the list for my must see places and I too reckon the Fiat 500 is the best way to get around, then again you could do a Vespa tour of Rome? If you're heading over to Africa, check out Uganda, I lived there for 6 years and it was very safe at the time, Kampala especially, though I'd stay away from the northern part of the country if I were you. Very funny and entertaining indeed!
Now, you could do a Vespa tour of Rome (like Roman Holiday). Though you would have to leave your suitcases at the hotel. We may have to include that option in Travel Guide 2.
I did actually think about NZ. It was decided that you wouldn't need a...
Read moreI'll look forward to your second article, hmm but its Rome so someone may nick your stuff, best to get a Fiat 500 then! Oh dear, NZ accommodation is good but on the more expensive side, then again renting a campervan is pretty expensive too,...
Read moreWanna perfect hire car on holiday? ask TRIVAGO. Wanna get your arse wiped on holiday? Ask that annoying girl on the TRIVAGO ad. Surprised TRIVAGO haven’t sponsored this . Like Google they wanna own every aspect of your hotel search. And you’re never more than 15 minutes away from an annoying TRIVAGO ad.
Don't let it rule you. That's what they want.
Not a single mention of the Alps, or even Japan. Like Japan is basically full of twisty mountain roads. Fire the guy who wrote this...He knows nothing
We're recommending cars for the country, not countries for the car. It might be wise to read the article rather than just the titles, before leaving an angry comment.
I have never read such utter rubbish. Please fire this intern, it's obviously insane.