The Undercut: The last word on the Monaco GP
Our man on Twitter @GrandPrixDiary consigns this one to the dustbin
They say, please excuse the language, that you can't polish a turd but you can scatter glitter on it in the vain hope of making it better.
Well, the glitter failed to help the Monaco Grand Prix. This was without doubt, one of the most boring races there for years.
F1 cars are difficult to pass at the best of times but make them wider and give them super sticky tyres and around Monaco the drivers have no chance. There was more passing and argy-bargy in Martin Brundle's grid walk than in the race itself.
On-track overtaking moves could be counted on one hand and you wouldn't need all of your fingers. Occasionally, Monaco does deliver a cracking race but that is becoming something of a rarity.
Hopefully new F1 tech chief Ross Brawn was as stupefied by the lack of spectacle as the rest of us and will get his big, clever thinking hat on.
Hopefully Ross Brawn's big brain is whirring away already (Pic: Sutton)
I have a simpler solution though, I've checked (yes really) and the best chance of rainfall there is in November, so let's just move the race to then.
Sure, the bikini clad beauties on the gin palaces in the harbour might be unhappy but it would be a small price to pay. Rain would give us a great race and we'd avoid the Indy 500 clash at the same time. Sorted.
Back to the race (sorry) and as if fans were not getting narked enough already, Ferrari put the tin hat on it by nobbling Kimi Raikkonen's pit stop strategy, so that they fixed it for their favoured driver to win.
Just like the old days really. When pressed on this by the media, a team spokesman, a Signor Pinnochio, flatly denied it.
Towards the end of the race it seemed even the drivers were getting bored. Lewis Hamilton could not even be bothered to complain over the radio while Jenson Button, who spent the entire race plodding around in 19th, half tried a move on Pascal Wehrlein, with the Sauber ending up on it's side.
During the ensuing Safety Car period, Marcus Ericsson in the other Sauber went off at a snails pace at Saint Devote, followed in the same fashion at the same spot on the very next lap by the McLaren of Stoffel Vandoorne, chucking away what could have been the first point of the season for them.
Talking of McLaren, as we must, Sunday had to be a new low for them. In fact, the Russian Grand Prix was when they hit rock bottom but they (or at least Honda) have continued to dig.
Now, I am no statistics expert but I don't think that in 51 years of racing, they have ever got as far as round six without scoring a point. Even in that first season, 1966, with one car competing in six events, they scored on two occasions.
To cheer themselves up, McLaren held a post-race party in the motorhome for paddock folk to join them and watch Fernando Alonso compete in the Indianapolis 500. What could possibly go wrong?
Just the usual of course, Alonso was tooling around nicely, well in with the leaders and the end of the race in sight. At this point, the Honda engine remembered it was, well, a Honda and self detonated.
There endeth the worlds most expensive PR exercise with McLaren and Honda achieving the remarkable feat of three DNF's in one day. Ex-Jordan, BAR and Super Aguri driver, Takuma Sato, took the victory, so an F1 driver (of sorts) did win, it just wasn't the one everybody has been banging on about for the last month.
After the race, Alonso said he'd had a wonderful time at Indy and did not miss Monaco one little bit. Chances of him being in F1 next year are looking less certain by the day.
Still, up next, we have the Canadian Grand Prix, a power circuit that requires a motor with some serious grunt in it. I bet Alonso cannot wait...
SPOT THE DIFFERENCE
On the left: Kimi is thrilled after taking the pole on Saturday. On the right: Kimi is devastated at losing out on the win on Sunday.
VIDEO OF THE WEEK
Fernando Alonso's Indy 500 overtakes show he's perfectly at home at The Brickyard. Watch here --> bit.ly/2rAY1Zs
WHO AM I?
I made my debut in 1997.
I scored my first podium in my thrid Grand Prix.
I did not score another podium until 2005 - doing so in the only Grand Prix I drove in that season.
Every team-mate I ever had in F1 was a race winner, but I never managed to win a Grand Prix.
Every team I drove for had won the drivers' and constructors' championship multiple times.
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Comments (4)
Monaco is to F1 as Daytona is to NASCAR. There is the inevitable and unavoidable "tradition" component that's really just one of those "deal with it" kinda things. Fans of NASCAR often complain just as much about so called "restrictor plate" races as F1 fans complain about Monaco being a "bore-fest" (which admittedly... it is in so far as racing). Though add in the destination, heritage, etc and it is (as they say) what it is. Anyone that wants to spice up Monaco as an actual race need not add anything... instead... remove the aero... all of it. Mechanical grip only. There... "have at it" as it was once said in NASCAR regarding sporting rules and regulations. Does that constitute a special "monaco car". Not really. Same Cars though with "filler" front and rear wings, etc that produce little if any downforce. Hard tire compound only and no aero. Let the fun commence!
Why not every team develop a new car for just the Monaco race, smaller cars perhaps whereby it can be possible on straights such as the exit after turn 1 up the hill and the tunnel can fit 3 cars a breast. I'm not talking go cart size but surely there's a way for these huge car makers to make these race circuits more exciting? I don't know an idea? Thoughts?
They should do away with the Monaco GP. I understand the historical importance of it, but there is not enough space on track to actually race the current cars. This inevitably makes it the most boring race of the season.
tough "who am i?" - nice