THE UNDERCUT: THE LAST WORD ON THE AUSTRALIAN GRAND PRIX

One Grand Prix down, just the twenty to go and on the evidence of the Australian Grand Prix, Mercedes and Lewis Hamilton don’t look like they are going to have it all their own way in 2018.

Mind you, Sebastian Vettel kicked off last season by beating Hamilton into second place here as well. As we know, Lewis then well and truly hit his stride during the summer while Ferrari imploded, so winning the opener doesn’t always mean everything.

Still, it must have been extra sweet for Vettel, after his rival told him post-qualifying that he wanted to 'wipe the smile off your face’. You can bet Lewis won’t be using that particular line again any time soon.

As for the race itself, it is fair to say that it wasn’t a classic. It wasn’t bad, just not great. There were three DRS zones to aid passing but they were about as much use as a chocolate sunbed on Bondi Beach.

We really could have done with that rain that had been forecast all week. Damn you, weather!

Anyway, I suppose it was good that it was dry, otherwise the dear little grid kids would have got a bit damp. Bless them. Now, I know it was before dawn and therefore my concentration levels were not at their sharpest but I didn’t notice these children actually do anything.

Painters and decorators start off young in Australia

Painters and decorators start off young in Australia

They stood in front of the drivers, then collected autographs, before spending the day in the paddock with their nearest and dearest. A nice day out certainly but rather pointless otherwise.

So, onto the race.

Usually here in Melbourne, with everybody raring to go after the winter, we get some chaos in the first few corners but with all on their best behaviour and Pastor Maldonado watching on telly at home, there were no incidents.

The first retirement wasn’t long in coming though, as Williams new boy Sergey Sirotkin stopped on lap six with brake failure, caused, he said, by a sandwich bag blocking the brake duct. That was one very expensive butty.

Sirotkin stops for a sarnie

Sirotkin stops for a sarnie

Next out was Pierre Gasly in his Toro Rosso when, after a solid winter's testing, the Honda motor decided it missed blowing up in front of millions of people and so did its party trick on lap 15.

Toro Rosso showed no sign of getting anywhere near McLaren anyway, but you can bet Zak Brown was relieved that he appears, for now at least, to have made the right decision in offloading Honda to some other poor sap.

After an impressive winter, Honda revert to type when it really matters

After an impressive winter, Honda revert to type when it really matters

Cheeky Mercedes refer to Toro Rosso’s ‘All systems Woking’ tweet from Barcelona testing

Cheeky Mercedes refer to Toro Rosso’s ‘All systems Woking’ tweet from Barcelona testing

With his sensational pole time, everybody, probably Ferrari included, thought that Lewis would disappear down the road and not be seen again until podium time. That is precisely what he did until the Haas team proved that as a Ferrari (ish) team, they too can implode as well as the boys from Maranello.

With Kevin Magnussen and Romain Grosjean running strongly in fourth and fifth, they pitted on laps 23 and 25 respectively.

What followed next was an utter disaster for them as both cars were released with only three wheels properly screwed on. Two retirements and a good 20 potential points flushed down the dunny.

Disaaster for Haas

Disaaster for Haas

Wheel gun failure was suspected but soon after, team chief Gunther Steiner was honest, putting his hands up and blaming lack of pit stop practice. The picture above confirms this, as you can see the front left mechanic has his gun held up, to indicate job done, while his mate at the back is still on the wheel. Premature lollipop.

Some soft-headed types on social media promptly came to the conclusion that the Haas problems were contrived, as some sort of conspiracy to help Ferrari. If you saw the state of the team after the race, you’d know this is pure drivel.

Grosjean comforts a distraught mechanic. (Picture @robdob20)

Grosjean comforts a distraught mechanic. (Picture @robdob20)

With two cars stuck out on track, the Virtual Safety Car was needed, at which time Vettel pitted. A miscalculation on timings, or a computer bug (yeah right) according to Toto Wolff, saw Sebastian emerge in front of Lewis, much to the surprise of all.

Hamilton promptly got his head down and chased after his nemesis, radioing in on lap 47, to say he was ‘going for it’. Unfortunately, it seems he meant going for it on the grass, as that is where he went, running wide enough to give the German breathing space until the flag.

In days gone by, Lewis would have still put his foot flat down in the hope that despite the small off, he could get back on terms in those final 11 laps but with this ludicrous three-engine-a-year rule, he backed off to save the motor.

How utterly non-F1 is that?

Kimi Raikkonen, having remembered he is an F1 driver, was an impressive third, with Daniel Ricciardo fourth for Red Bull. His teammate Max Verstappen was sixth while Fernando Alonso bagged fifth for McLaren. Everybody else finished somewhere else.

That then was that for Australia, on track at least.

Off it, Red Bull's Christian Horner, bored of being upset with Renault’s Cyril Abiteboul, got umpty with Ferrari’s Maurizio Arrivabene instead. Something to do with the red team hiring somebody they shouldn’t have but frankly, most of us are past caring what Mr Horner’s latest gripe is.

Damon and Merc have a little spat

Damon and Merc have a little spat

Elsewhere, Damon Hill had a most uncharacteristic tiff with Mercedes on Twitter. All most amusing.

Welcome back Formula One, we’ve missed you!