The world's shortest 2019 Ford Raptor review.

4 days ago

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Comments (25)
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Comments (25)
Repost
Bumps(27)

PHOTOGRAPY BY THE AUTHOR, USING A NIKON POTATOCAM.

INTRODUCTION.

2019 Ford Raptor, with a 450 horsepower, 3.5 liter, twin-turbocharged Egoboost V6, and...whatever it has for additional options, and whatever it has for a transmission. I think it might be Ford's ridiculous ten-speed automatic that they have been using for a while now, judging by the 17,438 gear changes it went through as I was attempting to leave the confines of the shop that you see above, and the additional 286,955 gear changes that occurred as I accelerated away from the lot where this vehicle was sold, while trying to catch up to the flow of the 35mph traffic around me, about half a block up the street.

I didn't find out what other options were included with this Raptor, as I kind of didn't bother to look.

Sticker (shock) price on the truck above: $67,000

What you get for $67,000:

1. Great suspension, although I'm not sure why you need it, because if do you ever take it off road, you'll never ever get it clean ever never ever again, because for whatever reason, Ford decided to create an external skeleton of a really-capable, off-road-themed truck with huge Fox shocks and huge dirt tires and little piggy-eye headlights and rugged plastic grille that really isn't all that rugged and now that I think about it the grille kind of reminds me of someone wearing a Freddie Mercury fishnet shirt that also wants to tell the world that he really likes Ford products and it also has a farty exhaust...and for reasons known only to God and the CEO of Ford Motor Company, it inexplicably also has one of the most-upscale, not-dirt-resistant interiors in all of recorded history, with more impossible-to-clean nooks and crannies than the petrified teeth of a long-buried Brachiosaurus.

Bonus points for also making everything black, because we all know that dust doesn't cling to black.

At all.

Oh, and by the way, those impossible-to-clean nooks and crannies also extend to the exterior of the vehicle.

2. The world's most ghastly-sounding twin-turbocharged V6. All of the great-sounding, truly-symphonic V6 engines in the world to choose from, and Ford Motor Company decides to phone it in with an exhaust system that only sounds sexy on a farm tractor.

3. A glovebox door that was so warped that it required two hands to push it into the 'closed' position.

With Ford, Quality is Job 1.

4. More plastic than a Lego factory. Just look at it, it's even shaped like a brick.

5. Remember my mentioning the mish-mash of BMW 5-series-level-interior, and it also ticking all the boxes that a soft-roader could ever want? All of those shiny surfaces...and plastic lamp lenses as well...scratch really easily. Is it an actual off-roader, or something that kind of not-that-convincingly attempts to convince you that yes indeed, I do go off-road....when I pull into my driveway.

The last time I was this confused, I was incredibly puzzled when I was attempting to sort out just what the hell was happening on the TV screen in front of me , concerning the plot of the 4th Indiana Jones movie, the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

6. Remember the Lego reference above? Kudos to Ford Motor Company for making the Raptor look like it was snapped together, just like a life-size, Ford Raptor Lego set, but Lego forgot to get involved with any promotional deals that might have highlighted Ford's truck construction techniques.

I just hope I don't step on any of the pieces when I need to make a mad dash to the toilet in the middle of the night.

THE END.

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Comments (25)
  • You're missing the point. The Raptor has no point. It's just for fun. I don't own one. I do own sports cars, though, and never really use them to the extent to which they could be used, either. They probably aren't much (if any) more efficient than the Raptor. Why the hate?

    4 days ago
    1 Bump
  • I think the Raptor is the best looking of the American pickups. Granted it's the best looking out of a pool of really really ugly trucks, so it's like saying that lung cancer is better than liver cancer. I've known more than one person with a Raptor and I know of only one instance where one was taken off road, and that was on a dirt road, not truly off-roading.

    4 days ago
    1 Bump
    • "See? I AM taking it off road!"

      (Drives really slowly so no dents or scratches are created)

      4 days ago
  • I bet my review is shorter: ' Pointless ' .

    4 days ago
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  • Hi congratulations - your post has been selected by DriveTribe highlights Ambassador for promotion on the DriveTribe homepage.

    4 days ago
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  • Hi congratulations - your post has been selected by DriveTribe lol Ambassador for promotion on the DriveTribe homepage.

    4 days ago
    1 Bump

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