Alex Goy is a freelance motoring journalist who writes for the likes of Motor1, Carfection, CNET and DriveTribe.
Tis the season to be jolly, and also receive gifts that ancient relatives/clueless colleagues think you’ll like because you like cars. If you’re lucky you’ll get something well thought out, tasteful, and relevant to your actual interests. If you’re not, you may end up with some of the dross found below.
Bear in mind that the below are the worst of a pretty mixed bunch. Chances are, the below manufacturers have something you’d actually quite like, but you have to fight through a LOT of guff to find it. So, friends, enjoy some of the worst tat the internet has to offer.
Ferrari’s horrid watch
You’d hope Ferrari, purveyors of incredible cars dripping with elegance and style, would be measured in what it throws in to its online shop. You hoped wrong.
While there are some pretty ace things in there, there’s also an alarming amount of… stuff with a Ferrari logo and high price tag thrown on it.
A quick look in the ‘watches’ section of Fiorano’s finest online gear store is an eye opener – a mass of quite messy time pieces that seem far removed from the clean lines you’ll find on, say, a Portofino.
However, of the lot this is the nastiest. For £100 you can dress your wrist with some red plastic and a Ferrari Shield. Want one? Click here. Though if you do, don’t expect people to be suuuuuuuper impressed.
A model of an MG you can’t buy new anymore
Every petrolhead worth their salt has at least a couple of diecast model cars in their house.
Maybe a 911, or a Pagani, or… something really cool and aspirational. A car to keep your eyes on the prize or at least to make you feel a bit happier when you glance at it.
Well, friends, MG wants your shelf space. And it wants to fill it with a model of the MG6. This 1:16 scale model of MG’s first resurrected (and dreadful) car features ‘a high-quality reproduction of both the interior and the mechanics…’ Yours for the very reasonable price of £42.99 here, if miniaturised chod is your jam.
The Vignale Fords are the posh ones. They come with leather, fancy stitching, exclusive colours, and different trim. A Vignale on the drive shows the world one of two things – either you’ve done well for yourself and want your Ford to be the best on the block, or the dealer is some sort of upselling deity.
If you’re in the former camp, this… charming? Ford Vignale Silk Tie will be just up your alley. It’s a picture in brown, with the Vignale ‘V’ detailed on the front. Yours for 69 Euros.
We’ve all met that person. The one who can’t wait to tell you about their car. Usually they drive a German car, and they very much like every aspect of it and think you should too.
Audi has, thankfully, created a line of apparel to help you identify these people from a distance so you can avoid engaging with them. Ingolstadt’s home team would like the A4 diesel driver in your life to wear a set of these Audi Sport Cufflinks, so they can show their pride at black tie events all over the world. Get yours here.
Or at least the gala dinner at next month’s marketing conference at the Birmingham Hilton. Today an A4, tomorrow… the world!
It’s a bum bag, Lamborghini
There’s no pithy copy for this one. Lamborghini wants to charge over £300 for a bum bag. Wow.
BONUS LAMBO TAT: Useless Urus Paper
Going paper free is the in thing these days, understandably so. That said, it’s always useful to have a few sheets of writing paper somewhere in case you need to send a letter, take some hasty notes, or begin the next great novel of our time.
Lamborghini has your back, Kerouac, thanks to its handy Urus Writing Pad. £13.00 will buy you 200 sheets of *checks website* 100 per cent paper, with about a third of the useable space taken up with a picture of a Urus and various logos.
Ye Olde GMC Sockes
Old logos are cool. Throw them on signs, or posters, or bags, or other stuff that you see every day and they add a bit of charm to proceedings. But on socks? Nah mate.
The Neon Sleeps Tonight
There are a few places where garish neon signs really work – hairdressers, Amsterdam’s Red Light District, Las Vegas, bars in the middle of nowhere… and nowhere else.
That said, to celebrate its impressively ugly new C8 Corvette, Chevrolet would like you to consider its $399.95 neon Corvette logo sign for a prime place in your living room/den/bar/toilet/red light district of your own.
If you really like the C8 Corvette, good on ya, but maybe this isn’t the way to show it?
A scale model of the worst Jag
As mentioned earlier, every petrolhead worth their salt should have at least one model car on display somewhere in their house.
It’s logical that someone will think you’d love a shiny model of something from one of your favourite manufacturers. Thing is, if you’re a Jaguar fan there’s a LOT to choose from, and the uninitiated may well get it very wrong.
For every shiny shiny F-Type there’s an E-Pace – a deeply flawed car to drive and not Jag’s best looker. In white, as pictured here, it looks worryingly like an egg. £50 for a wheeled egg, anyone?
If Jags are your thing, make sure to let Auntie know that you’re a fan of the F-Type over and over and over and…
Stop lights to stop people talking to you
Oh my, Bentley’s website had some unspeakably naff stuff on board. The fragrances are top of the naffness tree, but they’ve been around for a while.
What hasn’t been brought to public attention is this rather striking set of brake light cufflinks. They’re not the smartest things in the world, are they? Still, at least they’re discounted…
Click click, beep beep
You know what? Porsche’s tat is mostly really cool. The team gear looks good, the Porsche Design accessories all look pretty sharp (the pens are to die for). Who doesn’t love a model 911? Or even a cuddly one for kids?
Porsche almost got away with this one until one stray click landed on this… thing. Do you love 911s so much that you simply have to have one nearby all the working day? In which case this not-very-nice wireless mouse is perfect for you! Who needs Apple’s slick magic mouse when you can have a 911? Right? Oh.
Just when you thought there were no niches car manufacturers would sink to, you occasionally stumble on something so extra it could be chewing gum.
Ladies and gentlemen, Mercedes-Benz has reached so hard with this one even the late Karl Benz may have pulled a muscle. The ultimate tat to wish you don’t find under the tree is surely this Mercedes star logo BBQ branding iron. For the outdoor chef who truly must tell their friends that they own a Mercedes. For the low low price of £27.50 you can gift this to the Merc driver closest to your heart. Or the one you hate. Either or.
Now, the above are pretty awful. But in the interests of fairness it’s important to note that there’s some pretty cool ‘car’ stuff out there if you know where to look. Land Rover’s shop was pretty cool, as was Aston Martin’s, and most of Porsche’s. Do remember, though, that this isn’t an exhaustive list of awfulness. There’s so much more out there…
Have a very merry Christmas, petrolheads. May you receive the least-awful car tat out there.
Oh – and if you want to treat yourself to a cool car gadget this Christmas, check out our guide to the best ones right here: