Things Faster Than A DeLorean DMC-12

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In theory, humankind has long established that nothing is faster than time travel, as, because the name implies, you’re hypothetically travelling through the time space continuum. Now, I don’t want to go all Prof Cox on you, but there are mind-boggling calculai (well, a series of squiggly lines and hieroglyphics) that can substantiate these claims, but we’re not really into that kinda shit here. Having said that, nothing makes us harder than a fast car. See where we’re going?

And returning to the land of make believe you’d rightly imagine that a time-travelling car would be the fastest thing on this planet, or any other for that purely fictitious matter, right? Wrong. Cast your minds back to 1985 and a certain DeLorean DMC-12, that on paper was purportedly more rapid than Usain Bolt having intravenously-injected blue Smarties into his bloodstream, on account of it being able to travel through several dimensions of time in but a flash of Michael J Fox’s pearly whites. In reality of course the iconic DeLorean couldn’t quite muster enough rapidity of movement to power a torch for more than a few seconds, despite esoterically looking as though it could keep the entire National Grid charged for at least 24 hours by this misplaced equation/comparison.

1985 X DMC-12 + MILEY CYRUS = POTENTIAL LAWSUITS

And that’s largely due to the underlying fact that the DeLorean afforded its occupant(s) 8.5 seconds in which to take in the immediate surrounds before it manifested the mythical 60mph from a standing start; whilst at full chat you’d be lucky to witness 130mph when noting the speedo. Which, incidentally, might as well have been measured in the passage of years, rather than numbered speed thresholds. All of which was slightly embarrassing for a car which looked THAT aerodynamic. Of course, weight issues weren’t helped by America’s insistence that a catalytic converter had to be fitted which upped the accumulative poundage, but despite this, the weight to performance ratio was seriously hampered from the outset. Horrifically so, if transporting an actual American.

B) There’s no such thing as a ‘quick chat’ with Stephen Hawking.

Anon, November 2016

All of which leads us to the uneasy questioning of the runway area necessitated for the DMC-12 to hit the magic 88mph (required for it to instantly flit betwixt 1885, 1955, 1985 and 2015 according to Dr Emmet Brown if you recall the reference point in the Back To The Future movie trilogy) in recognition of it realistically taking this alarming 8.5 seconds to attain 60mph. By our rough calculations that would mean….the completion of a mathematical sum that is way beyond our simple ken. Or a quick chat with Stephen Hawking. Although with the greatest of respect, A) It would insult his intelligence that we would pose such a question and B) There’s no such thing as a ‘quick chat’ with Stephen Hawking.

Anyway, before we become libellous – and in honour of the frighteningly (un)quick DMC-12 – we’ve compiled a sample selection from an inexhaustible list of ‘Things Faster Than A DeLorean DMC-12’; with some entries possessing the simplest and most naturally occurring element known to man, that of surprise. Please feel free to submit your own entries at the bottom of the page, or otherwise ignore this entire piece and continue instead to watch Miley Cyrus twerk elsewhere online. But remember, you WILL go blind.

Things Faster Than A DeLorean DMC-12 – No. 345; A pedalo

Things Faster Than A DeLorean DMC-12 – No. 251; A traction engine

Things Faster Than A DeLorean DMC-12 – No. 54; An Ice Age

Things Faster Than A DeLorean DMC-12 – No. 131; Paint drying

Things Faster Than A DeLorean DMC-12 – No. 14; James May driving/running

Things Faster Than A DeLorean DMC-12 – No. 876; Plate tectonics shifting

Things Faster Than A DeLorean DMC-12 – No. 57; Glaciers forming

Things Faster Than A DeLorean DMC-12 – No. 99; The asthenosphere

Things Faster Than A DeLorean DMC-12 – No. 476; The unforeseen and unwarranted sex scene which appears on screen when you’re watching TV with your parents

Things Faster Than A DeLorean DMC-12 – No. 375; An IOS7 update for an iPhone

Things Faster Than A DeLorean DMC-12 – No. 32; The checkout staff at Lidl

Things Faster Than A DeLorean DMC-12 – No. 642; Joey Essex’s thought process

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