This is what your hot hatch says about you
Endorsed by a psychologist. Sort of.
It is often said that dogs look like their owners.
And to be fair, there’s merit to the classic adage.
Several studies littered through the 2000s suggest that people, at some level, pick pooches that resemble themselves. Call it narcissistic pet selection. (Mind you, the studies were far from exhaustive, with relatively tiny samples and presumably diminutive effect sizes).
I think it is time someone conducted a study on hot hatches and their owners.
Hot hatch owners are a quirky bunch. Curiously, they seem to be incapable of bonding with owners of other marques and, as a result, seem to fall into distinct cult-like groups. I’m part of a few on Facebook (simply for the laughs, I swear) and the content produced by these groups is ludicrously stereotypical.
So instead of waiting for the science to confirm what I already know to be true, I’ve gone ahead and compiled a definitive list about what your hot hatch says about you.
Enjoy.
Honda Civic Type-R
Owning a Honda Civic Type R can mean one of two things: (a) you are aware of the current Type R’s reputation for being the best-handling hot hatch on sale, or (b) you are going through a mid-life crisis.
Unfortunately, the latter makes up 95% of Type R owners.
Hyundai i30 N
If you bought a pre-facelift i30N, well done. You took a leap of faith and it paid dividends. It was one of the most underrated cars of the last decade.
You are an early adopter with an almost prescient ability to detect good-cars.
For those of you who waited for the facelift model: Your loss. The update may have ushered in the option of a dual-clutch gearbox (with ‘N Grin shift mode’; whatever that is) and a more refined cabin, but it also killed the noise. Boo.
You’re a hesitant overthinker.
Subaru Impreza WRX STI
You are stuck in the 90s. Should’ve bought a Type R. Or literally any other car on this list.
Hope you enjoy living in constant fear of premature engine failure.
Volkswagen Golf GTI
A Golf GTI may be all the car you would ever need, but it is far from all the car you would ever want.
You are a highly rational person. You probably live your life by a spreadsheet. Probably an accountant.
Unless, of course, you bought a GTI Clubsport. In which case, I say well done.
Volkswagen Golf R
There’s no other way to put this, I’m afraid: You are a yob.
Great car, though.
Ford Fiesta ST
I once declared the ST to be the best hot hatch on sale. I still stand by that.
People may jest that you’ve bought your mum’s shopping trolley. Let them.
You are a thinking man with a proper understanding of what makes a great hot hatch. We would be good mates.
Ford Focus ST
A bigger Fiesta ST? Yes, and somehow less appealing as a result.
You’re a family man desperately trying to keep a performance car in your life.
My advice? Sell the kids. Buy a Fiesta ST.
Abarth 595 Competizione
Oh, yes. You have a sense of humour.
The 595 Competizione is like a Fiesta ST except worse in every quantifiable way, which somehow makes it even more desirable.
The hot hatch for the person who doesn’t take life too seriously.
You are great fun to be around in short doses. Emphasis on short.
Renault Megane RS
A shadow of its former self, the new Megane (Trophy-R, aside) just ain’t it, Chief.
Stop kidding yourself, you’re no track-day hero. You bought this based on the exterior design alone.
Sub-par mechanical package notwithstanding, it is a good-looking thing.
Toyota GR Yaris
Sucked in by the hype, you jumped on the bandwagon without stopping to consider whether you should wait for the Rallye edition. Spoiler: you should have.
You’re a mindless lemming.
Toyota GR Yaris Rallye Edition (i.e., circuit pack)
Now we’re talking! Front and rear Torsen limited-slip differentials make this the GR Yaris to go for. Well done.
Not technically in Australia yet, but it’s coming. Fear not, delayed gratification pays off.
Resist the temptation to flip this car for an immediate profit and I’ll call you a legend.
Audi S3
I would rather write a thesis on rock erosion than be stuck talking to you at a dinner party. Enough said.
Mercedes A45 AMG S
Phoar. What a weapon.
Big money (≈AUD$100k!), yes, but the lil’ Merc boasts some ludicrous numbers to justify the price: 310 kW (421 hp) and 500 Nm from a 2.0litre 4-cylinder, 0-100km/h in 3.9 seconds, and an electronically limited top speed of 270km/h.
Calling it the Veyron of hot hatches wouldn’t necessarily be a hyperbolic metaphor. But I digress.
You like to have the biggest stick in the room. Perhaps you’re compensating for a lack of *ahem* ‘stick’ in other areas.
Though for this money, you probably should have bought an M2 Competition.
Mini Cooper S
You are a sentimental sap, easily swayed by patriotic and nostalgic marketing.
You’re gullible. Or a push-over. Probably both.
It wouldn’t surprise me if you handed your wallet to the Mini sales team and let them choose the exorbitant price of your car.
Kia Picanto
Not a hot hatch, you say? Wrong. The Picanto is undoubtedly the greatest car of all time.
Own one of these and you automatically rise to ‘lord status’ in the automotive community.
I tip my hat to you.
(Editor’s note: Mr Charalambous may own a Picanto.)
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Comments (59)
I was following along faithfully until I go to the Picanto, which was of course, your plan. Fool.
You've lived in denial for a while now, John. It's time to come clean.
Admit it: you're fond of the Picanto.
It looks like a balloon with an angry face drawn on it. Pew.
Pretty reasonable assumptions for most of them, but, I’d add, if your hot hatch has more than two driven front wheels, then you don’t really get hot hatches. And if your “hot hatch” is an AMG, you wouldn’t know what a hot hatch was if it bit you on the ass.
Haha! Good call, !
This is written for the Australian market right.
Surfer or sheep shagger sums it all up.
At least in Cornwall we stick to family members.
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No
Love you.
Picanto 😂😂😂
I'm glad you get it hahaha
I'm afraid the ability to interpret satire is far and few between...