(Thoroughly) DEPRESSING CAR WEATHER FORECAST

2y ago

1.2K

There’s going to be an awful lot of weather about today, chiefly in geographical locations found on this map. That’s according to one-time BBC Top Gear pin-up and housewives favourite-turned Drivl’s resident (thoroughly) depressing car weather expert, Quentin Willson. He also informs us that we’re going to see a lot of drivers out and about on the roads in all weathers and thoroughly depressing cars.

Channelling his inner Ulrika, Willson says; “A heavy, brutal depression will move in from the West, bringing with it the cataclysmic threat of Fiat Multipla’s, while a more organised band of SsangYong Rodius showers will dominate proceedings in the South-East early in the day, before giving way to brief glimpses of Rover CityRovers later. Further East (but not in the North Sea) Willson warns us to expect wall-to-wall Yugo Zastavas from the get-go. However it’s not quite the same story for the Midlands, as an unpredictable (yet at the same time ferocious) mix of Talbot Samba convertibles and 1995 Suzuki X-90s will settle here for the most part.

Ushering in unprecedented levels of Chrysler PT Cruiser Convertibles and prolonged flashes of Lancia Dedra

Anon, November 2016

The outlook is even less positive in both Scotland and elsewhere across the North of England as strong southerly winds will wreak motoring havoc, ushering in unprecedented levels of soul-destroying Chrysler PT Cruiser Convertibles and prolonged flashes of stupendously hateful Lancia Dedra, before more sustained periods of 2005 Nissan Micra C+C emerge and take over by the evening. Less promising are the drips and drops of crestfallingly-dire Chrysler Crossfires predicted on the Isle of Man, Dogs and probably, Wight at some point.

EXTREME THOROUGHLY DEPRESSING CAR WEATHER WARNING:

An extreme thoroughly depressing (and additionally shit) car weather warning has been issued tonight and into tomorrow, which will primarily affect the South-West coast, with the very real possibilities of mid-2000s Vauxhall Vectras crashing ashore from anywhere after 11pm.

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