"The fewer shits you give, the happier you are" is what they say - "they" being people who pretend to be oracles of truth and wisdom while actually being rather thick. While there are quite a few things on this Earth that don't warrant you bothering to disturb your emotions, by not giving a shit about anything, you run the risk of losing your self-respect. Which if you connect the right dots, probably explains why anyone would buy one of these cars.
What I aim to do in this blog is compile a list of the top 15 most embarrassing cars ever to grace the Earth. What I express is merely my opinion and therefore not that of a real person. What is embarrassing to one might not be embarrassing to another. And it's also worth mentioning that what might be considered embarrassing from the perspective of a car enthusiast might not be to everyone else. But regardless, here is a list of what I believe to be the 15 most embarrassing cars that you can be seen in. Starting with...
No15: Fiat Cinquecento
This rather ugly little car actually has a rather important place in the world of today, as it's an ideal candidate for a first car for someone who's just passed their test. It therefore can potentially signal freedom and adventure – but from my view, when freedom looks like this, you can fucking keep it!
Imagine trying to cram your mates into one of these after they start to blag lifts from you. From the moment they set eyes on it, you'd be waiting edgily for them to start making jokes at your expense. So then, if you've got a Cinquecento, and you want to ensure your friends don't think less of you when you give them a lift, make sure they're off their heads on heroin beforehand.
No14: Cadillac Escalade
When people buy an Escalade, it's as though they're trying to say to the world "I have a big car because I have a big wallet". But really and truly, all people will think you're doing by driving such an enormous bling-y barge is compensating for "something else", if you know what I mean.
The Escalade's connection with such icons of chintz as rappers echoes throughout the car. Usually, that is the primary appeal, which tells you everything you need to know about the people who buy it. While the seats inside may be comfortable, you'll never feel too comfortable inside as everybody's judging eyes burn through the tinted windows.
No13: Reliant Robin
On the face of it, the Reliant Robin is something of a comedy car – but one in which you are the butt of the joke. In that true British comedy tradition, the Reliant plays the role of a failure – as it failed to be fitted with four wheels!
Part of me would be curious to turn up on a date with one – just to see the reaction. But then again, we all know what curiosity did to the poor old cat. Quite poignant really, because if you were to turn up to a date driving a Robin, you sure wouldn't see any pussy!
No12: Smart ForTwo
There was a time long ago when people used to look at the Smart as some sort of icon in how to make a small car for darting around the city. It could simply be referred to as "the Smart Car" and people who knew nothing about cars would know what you were on about. But in reality, all its size means in the city is that the bus in front of you and the bus behind you in the traffic jam are all that much closer.
As a child, I had a larger and more practical pedal-powered Go-Kart than the Smart Car! And what makes the Smart even more embarrassing is that I could probably get off the line faster on my Go-Kart just using the power of my own legs!
No11: SsangYong Rodius
If you're in need of a lot of space in your car, the market is cluttered with excellent options. However, if you've got 9 kids, there's only one option for you that isn't a Minibus: the SsangYong Rodius.
Seen by many as one of the ugliest cars ever to festoon the Earth, the Rodius was available with either 7, 9, or 11 seats. If you're in need of the 11-seater version, what you're saying to the world as you drive around is: "I waited until I had 9 kids to buy a car ugly and embarrassing enough to make me unfuckable". If ever a car could be used as a keep-it-in-your-pants warning at family planning clinics, this is it.
No10: Citroen Pluriel
Advertised as 4 cars in 1, the Pluriel was supposed to combine the qualities of a hatchback, an open-top, a cabriolet, and a pick-up all in the same car. All it was however was a showy little bubble with an Ikea roof.
The Pluriel can be likened to that one poor child at school who tries to get down with the cool kids, but ends up being the source of all their disguised cruelty. It is trying so desperately hard to be funky, but it fails miserably.
No9: Rolls Royce Phantom Drophead
It would be foolish of me to not concede that the Phantom Drophead is anything other than a simply magnificent car – a shining light in the field of comfort and refinement. But it also has the power to turn heads, and this is where the embarrassment comes from.
Now, of course, a regular Phantom makes people stop and stare – but in that car, you're all safe and sound in the back, privately tucked away from the proletarian gazes. The Drophead however displays its occupants like Rafiki displays Simba in The Lion King. And as people gawp at you, they'll also be thinking about what a tosser you look.
No8: Mercedes-Maybach G650 Landaulet
If anything however, this open-top Maybach G650 is even worse than the Drophead at making you feel overly-conspicuous. The only part of the car that is open is the rear, where the affluent owner will be sitting, as everybody's eyes get magnetically attracted to the opening in the roof.
The only car in the world that turns its passenger compartment into more of a showroom is the Popemobile. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if anyone riding in the back of the Maybach with the roof down didn't go everywhere while giving a backhanded royal wave.
No7: Nissan Cube
Every accurate description I can give to this car falls well into the politically incorrect bracket, but I make no apologies to snowflakes for being honest. The Nissan Cube looks like a car that's just come out the closet, and is flaunting it.
In fact, I would go as far as to say the Cube doesn't look like the closet's the only thing it's come out of – because it appears it's now no longer in its birth-gender. This is a car you could drive through a Pride Parade, and it would feel right at home. It's a car that almost warrants another letter on the end of the LGKFC acronym. If that's what you want to drive around in, feel free – just except everyone to think you're as camp as Christmas.
No6: Hummer H2
I remember when Hummer first started selling the H3 in Britain, and my local high-street suddenly became awash with them. I was staggered that so many people found them appealing, and actually recoiled slightly that I shared a community with such people. But the H3 was nowhere near as embarrassing to drive as the bigger, and chintzier H2.
When painted yellow, with perfectly befitting chrome spinners twinkling away at all four corners, what the H2 symbolises is emphasised. For it is a car for people whose vision of what the world thinks of them is the polar opposite to what it really is. In other words, they think everyone is envious of their displayed wealth; whereas people actually think you're the biggest wanker out there.
If you go to London, these little wheeled insects are everywhere. Officially, the G-Wiz is classed as a quadracycle and not a car – but for people who possess the power of accurate observation, it can more accurately be described as a method for keeping one's virginity intact.
Quite frankly, I would rather be seen in a flowery dress than in one of these little electric turds. Whenever you see someone driving one, you know for a fact they're a boring fart who thinks they're helping the environment. The only thing they're helping however is themselves look like a twat.
No4: A Police Car
Okay, so I'm thinking well outside the box on this one. But in all seriousness, the embarrassment of being seen in the back of a police car – not that I'm familiar with it – is one I imagine makes you want to shrivel up to a ball of nothing.
Should anyone you know see you, the subsequent gossip would spread around the local area like an infection. And for all they know – in this modern era – all you might've done is disagree with a woman.
No3: All Ricers
For those who don't know, a Ricer is a car that's been decorated and modified on the outside – usually in a stomach-churningly distasteful way – but is still left with its stock underpinnings.
People will take the most unappealing of subjects – such as a diesel MPV – and vomit all over the exterior with blended up bits of Halfords parts. They make absolutely everyone – even the passengers on a low-flying aircraft – stare in disbelief that such a vile creature exists. And as they stare, they're questioning the mental state of the occupants.
No2: Nissan Micra C+C
I recall Richard Hammond testing this car at the start of season 8 of Top Gear as a punishment for having a daytime show on rival channel ITV. If the car itself wasn't bad enough, the production team – thoughtful as they are – took it upon themselves to exacerbate his embarrassment...by giving him the keys to a bright pink example!
Understandably, he chose to complete the "review" by protecting his identity as he drove around the streets by where he lives. Instead of snatching the veil from a passing Dementor however, he simply chose to drive with a bag over his head – complete with two holes to see out of. When a car is so embarrassing that you feel you have no other choice but to drive it with a bag on your head, you know it's nearing the limit of just how embarrassing cars can get.
No1: Nissan Murano CrossCabriolet
I once heard one of the most popular motoring journalists on the internet (whose name I cannot possibly divulge) praise the Murano CrossCab for bringing the SUV back in touch with its Willys Jeep roots for the lack of having a roof. Quite frankly, I'm beyond staggered that somebody who has made it in this industry could hold such a viewpoint.
To state what's obvious to anyone with a brain, the Willys Jeep was designed to deliver weapons to inhospitable battle fields so Uncle Sam could keep the free world free. Its lack of roof was not its primary purpose.
The primary purpose of the Murano however was its lack of roof. Much like the Range Rover Evoque Convertible, the Murano appears to resemble a power-wheels car for adults. As a result, you couldn’t be more on show if you were to parade through town on a carnival float. The conspicuousness is even worse if you're tall, and at 6'5", if I were to drive one, I'd look like Noddy with piles! In my view, it's the most embarrassing car a person can be seen in.
Written by: Angelo Uccello
Tribe: Speed Machines
Facebook: Speed Machines – DriveTribe