TOYOTA'S IDEA OF A 'FUN' CAR: PUTTING A TERRIFYING FACE ON A BLANDTASTIC SEDAN THAT HAS BIG WHEELS, TINY BRAKES, HANDLING THAT WOULD SHAME ONLY HORSE-DRAWN WAGONS, AND STYLING THAT OOZES TRUCKLOADS OF MELATONIN.
CRAIGSLIST.COM: Toyota apparently possibly somewhat kind of sorta desperately admitted today in a random Portland, Oregon Craigslist ad that their cars might not be as fun and exciting as they thought they were, and that they might have entirely kind of forgotten how to build a really fun car. The Craigslist ad in question can actually be seen here.
An attempt to contact Toyota representatives directly was attempted by this attemptive reporter but was abandoned when it was realized that I would probably be bored to death by whatever response that I received.
I did, however, receive some potentially-exciting clarification from a potentially-unnamed inside source, in that yes, Toyota was indeed unofficially sort of seeking assistance from the Craigslist community in an attempt to learn how to make a fun car again. He or she sort of elaborated further:
"I know that we currently make the rear-wheel-drive AE86 with Subaru (Subaru BRZ as well), but we have to admit, that's really not a 'Toyota' fun car, it's a Toyobaru collaboration, in that we had to go to another producer of almost entirely boring cars to get a fairly-exciting engine for our fairly-exciting rear wheel drive car."
"It doesn't sell very well for whatever reason, and then we discovered that for all intents and purposes, well, the new AE86 is actually pretty boring as well, in that it's useless for a lot of markets, and only has two doors. 'Fun' cars should be universally fun, and not just fun to the dozen or so people each year who buy either the Subaru BRZ or Toyota AE86, drivers who think that they want 'fun' cars, but who are actually terrified of real cars like the BMW M2, Audi S3, or even a Mazda MX-5."
"I think that Toyota simply grew comfortable with the idea of selling cars to a gigantic demographic that included anxious drivers who are frightened to death of the potential, life-threatening dangers that they perceive from the hurtling through the air, at what appears to them to be supersonic speeds, of falling leaves and butterflies. That's why we made everything safe and...boring, because that's what we thought that the marketplace was (safely) demanding. Can you think of any less-threatening vehicle than either the Toyota Camry or Toyota Prius? I didn't think so, either."
"It really makes me wonder as to why Toyota is in NASCAR, because we would never in a million years make a rear-wheel-drive, eight-hundred-horsepower Camry. Just think of the sensibilities we would offend or Indian Ocean dolphins we would threaten if we built such a...device. But it might be entirely possible that we need to someday actually make this kind of car, and make it street legal. But once again, we don't know how."
"But then we realized that we forgot how to build a...fun car. We thought that simply adding Darth Vader robot faces to every one of our vehicles was all that it took to make them fun again...and we were wrong. Turns out that just simply throwing a Halloween mask at the front of our vehicles doesn't actually make a vehicle any more 'fun', we actually have to make the entire vehicle be fun, not just 'fun' to look at."
"We might have forgotten how to do that. I mean we really forgot. No idea whatsoever. We can't even remember the last car that we built that might be considered 'fun'. None of our trucks are fun, the Tacoma looks like we moved a boring Camry interior from the 1980's into the trucks, and, well, the people who said this were entirely honest, that's exactly what we did. We thought that everyone wanted a Camry interior, so that's what we did, even in the trucks."
"We would go and ask some people at Lexus, but they'll only laugh at us. And that isn't any fun at at all. IF you have any ideas as to how we could build fun vehicles again...if we ever actually built any, because I haven't been able to find anything in the computer...we might be able to use your help. And I think we're kinda, sorta desperate to get that help. I think."
(This is a work of satire. It really really is. Even the fake Craiglist ad...that really is on Craigslist, or at least was at the time of this being written, it's fake. Satire. None of this actually happened, nor will it ever happen. Or I at least hope to God that it happens, just think of the news coverage. It is not to be construed or confused with any people, businesses, or organizations, whether they be real, or imagined. Any similarities with real people, places, actual boring Toyota vehicles, or organizations are pure coincidence and nothing else. Nobody from Toyota was contacted, or perhaps they were, but I fell asleep during the interview, and I don't remember anything. No individuals, corporations, fully-loaded international shipping containers, anyone named 'Jim Macklin, Tenured Professor from the University of Washington', Toyota Camry interiors, or beloved Muppet rat characters were impersonated. No Muppet weapons, jail guards, embattled Audi CEO's, or terrified AE86/Subaru BRZ owners were harmed during the writing of this fictional, satirical story.)
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(HEADLINE IMAGE COURTESY OF TOYOTA.COM)